Amazing grief...

Today we got a sympathy card from the vet, signed by all of them. On the front was a poem that talks about not crying over her, etc, but the last line goes "I loved you so...'twas Heaven here with you" and I CANNOT.STOP.BAWLING over it. Oh, and they also took her paw, dipped it in ink and pressed it on the card as a keepsake, signing her name under it. O.M.G.

I honestly can't understand why I am such a wreck over this. I was doing much better until I got that card today and now I have been sobbing until I literally feel like I might throw up. I finally had to take the card and put it away so I wouldn't look at it anymore. Thank God my BFF Heather took Avery this afternoon so I just have the 3 littles and they are all sleeping...so mommy can go sob into her pillow.

I just didn't think this would be so hard. We talked about putting her to sleep for over a year now, and I was usually pretty jazzed about it in terms of not having to mop all her freakin' hair, no letting her out to pee, no mopping up her pee from incontinence. We're free to go on trips and go camping without dog stuff. All of that seemed great. But now it's reality and I'm not sure I like it. I miss her coming into the bathroom while I'm peeing, just to give me a kiss and get herself a mommy-scratch. I miss having to step over her while I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night. I miss her being underfoot while I'm working in the kitchen. I REALLY miss her cleaning up all the kid food messes.

I keep thinking that she is alone somewhere, cold, wondering where we are and if we are coming back to get her. I know for a fact (I called the vet, I had to know) that she is already cremated and gone. But I still want to call her name, to have her come running like she used to before her ears failed her. My heart literally HURTS.

I can't imagine losing a child. If I am this upset about a DOG, I just can't imagine losing a child.

Basically, if you got this far bless your heart. Writing is helpful for me, so I'm writing. I'm also going to include some very recent pictures of her. I took tonnnns of pictures after we decided she was going to be put to sleep...some are even from before that.

Here's Montana on Monday:


With all her "brothers and sisters" - the babies she welcomed home each time:


One of her favorite spots to lay - in our front bay window watching down the driveway:


Her other favorite spot was her bed by our back patio door:


She was a great pillow:



A true sport about peek-a-boo:


And was just always "one of the kids":


All my girls:


Montana and Macey:

Just took my first ever sleep-aid

Let's hope it helps. Why is it that I become so ridiculous over the loss of a pet??? I had to get up and read the Bible last night because I was so worked up and crying so much. Yes, next to James who snored. I wanted to see in the Bible if it said anything about animals in heaven. What I did run across was the passage in Proverbs that talks about a dog returning to its vomit. Nice! So I just took 2 Tylenol PM and hopefully I'll be out for the count. Not entirely sure that's a stellar idea as a stay at home mom to 5 small children but we shall see!

She is gone.

We brought her to the vet today at 4:30. It was fitting - James and I went to pick her up together when she was just a few weeks old and we brought her to the vet together today. Neither one of us could stand to be with her...our hearts were breaking. So we left her there and said our goodbyes to her. She just licked our faces and wagged her tail. I know I'm tired and emotional (I couldn't sleep last night because of it) but I feel like we made a horrible decision and now it can't be reversed. Tell me this gets easier. I can't stop crying right now. I was doing ok up until we got rid of all the dog stuff in the house because I couldn't bear looking at it...

Our family is about to change...

and no, we are not gaining new members. (read your mind) We are losing one tomorrow. Tomorrow at 4:30 our beloved black lab Montana is being put down to forever sleep. To say that we are sad is an understatement, but it is time.

She piddles so much in the house. And it isn't because she's naughty, it's because she incontinent - the peeing all happens when she's asleep or just waking up. We've tried meds for it and the meds made her all shaky and weird, they weren't letting her be the dog she used to be.

Then we realized over the past few weeks that she's deaf. I'm honestly worried that I might back over her in the driveway when I have all 5 kids with me...then what?

The questions keep coming back to us - is it too soon? Does she still have tons of years left? Is she going to die within the year anyway??

We made the appointment and we're sticking to it. It's just way hard.

Tulip Time!

I swore I was not going to march in a parade all decked out in a Dutch costume. That all came crashing down as I proudly marched my twin baby girls in the "Dutch Doubles" part of the afternoon parade today! They got lots of attention which was fun for me, hahahaha! I also got a big ol sunburn on my face, which is pronounced by the fact that the hat I wore with my Dutch costume came down my forehead about 1/2 an inch. I look ridiculous.

Worst part? Both twins got sunburned faces, too. Bad mommy moment!

Sooo, we're camping and it's not going super well. In fact, I'm home right now with Macey and Madelyn because they wouldn't stop crying in their "beds". Mmmm hmmm, we've got to get the bed thing figured out in the camper. Last night went REALLY bad but we toughed it out. Tonight was going better but I figured with their lil sunburned faces and all that it just wasn't worth letting them cry in the camper. So I popped them into their cribs and they are happy girls!! Granted, it's after 10pm and they're still awake but honestly...it's supposed to storm tonight and I don't care to be down there during a storm. So it's a win-win for me!

He's home!

James was discharged late this afternoon. We are so glad he is feeling better! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Can you spare a few more prayers for us?

James has been admitted to the hospital this evening. He started coughing horribly again yesterday, started throwing up again, the whole works. After the throwing up with coughing subsided he started feeling very short of breath and tight in his chest. He was feeling so bad that he thought he better be seen at the ER, which is saying something. Sure enough, his oxygen is pretty low (84%) without supplemental oxygen so he needs to be in the hospital on oxygen until he turns the corner, whenever that might be.

We're both feeling very exhausted and emotional about another hospital stay, this time one of us! We covet your thoughts and prayers.

Maybe it was too early.

I woke Caden this morning and his crib was FULL of pee. Wowsa, soaked. So...he's got a pullup on tonight.

Caden and I left pretty early this morning to go see a pediatric orthopedist about his elbow. Long story short, he did indeed fracture it nearly 6 weeks ago, and probably fractured it in two places. It has healed completely and also healed well, which we are so thankful for! He is going to need some physical therapy for it. Normally the dr doesn't suggest that but he thought "it might help" for Caden - no guarantees obviously. He also said he doesn't think he'll have any long-term problems from it, which is wonderful!

A few milestones around here.

Madelyn's bottom 2 teeth popped out on the 8th. This, after weeks of working at it! James and I were gone for the weekend (James' folks stayed here with the kids) and Macey's bottom 2 teeth popped through while we were gone - so around the 17th. It's very precious to see!

Last night we had to go to Des Moines for a few things, so we got home late - around 9pm. We still had 5 kids to get to bed and it was hectic. I had Caden go potty for me, and then I told him he was going to stay in underwear overnight. This morning when I got him up, he was dry!! First thing he said to me was "point down" - which is his version of "I have to pee!" So proud of him! I've been telling James I think he's ready for overnights but James didn't think so...time will tell!

Mother of the year!

That's how I felt this morning when Madelyn rolled off our bed. I said to several people over the weekend, "Our days of leaving the babies on the bed are over" and yet what did I do this morning? Put them both on our bed and leave the room. That's what I did. I knew the sound immediately when I heard it. And then I heard her scream. Which was a good feeling, knowing that she was ok enough to scream. I ran into the bedroom and she wasn't off the side of the bed towards the door, which was WEIRD. No, she must have rolled alllll the way to the foot of the bed, across the mound of laundry on the hope chest and the foot of the bed and then down to the laminate flooring.

Mommy is SO sorry Madelyn.

I obviously typed too soon.

Got done blogging, surfed the web a bit....heard Caden ralph all over his crib. Child #5 has fallen! Ugh.

The pukes have invaded.

So far, not a child has been spared except for sweet Caden. Lord, please keep it that way!

Poor Caden fell (twice) today at school and they were very concerned he may have injured his elbow further. We went back in for xrays late this afternoon and were told we'd get a call back. We didn't. I'm assuming no news is good news and we'll leave it at that. He cannot bend it to 90 degrees anymore, but I'm guessing that is because he simply doesn't use it and it's stiff. He cried SO hard when they tried to bend it for the xrays, broke my heart! In case you were wondering, he fell at school because mommy let him wear his croc mammoths that are officially too big. Yeah, feeling REAL wonderful about that right now.

Here's to hoping we wake up vomit-free and happy tomorrow!!

Long time, no see!

I remember my blog. Daily. But I just don't have the umption to add anything to it! Until tonight, that is. Are you ready for some picture overload?

A few highlights - Caden's arm is still useless to him, poor bud. He doesn't use it at all. His handwriting goals at school are having to be reworked! We had follow up xrays after one week and it showed exactly the same thing, which was, essentially...nothing. He is to use it as much as he tolerates which is, essentially...not at all. He will NOT bend at the elbow, and the elbow is where we're pretty certain the fracture is. Say it with me, poor buddy!!

In OTHER Caden news....he lost his first tooth! I was so excited. Last Tuesday (16th) James and I made a good date of our day kid-free and shopped in Des Moines all day. Grandma Jean (respite provider) got here around 8am and we took off. When we got home James noticed his wiggly tooth was totally gone! Jean thought we knew - apparently it hadn't been around all day! And, she had washed his bedding so if it WAS in the bedding it was gone. We haven't found it. We assume Cay swallowed it. But anyway, first tooth lost! Super exciting!


Ok then we have a picture of Declan. This is mainly because I don't have much news about him other than he threw up ALL over the supper table tonight....aaaand the only thing he's had to eat all day were some Cheerios and chocolate milk, so you can imagine how incredible that was to the rest of us trying to eat. Anywho, this is Declan in a typical morning pose - poptart in hand, sippy cup nearby, taunting Montana with the possibility of getting a morsel of that. And quite frankly, she often gets the whole dang thing, which makes me angry.


And of course there's more of Caden and some of Avery, with the twins. Caden and Avery can be very, very sweet about helping with the babies. You have to watch Caden carefully. He can't be left unattended with a baby but Avery is REALLY good. On this evening we let them help feed and Macey and Madelyn were so enthralled with being so close to their brother or their sister! It was really precious. Caden has Macey and Avery has Madelyn (you'll notice that Caden, who is very right-handed, is using his left hand to feed...evidence of his owie):



And last we have my favorite picture of them all. I wanted to snap a candid shot of Avery "reading" to her sisters. She loves to make up words to any book and they love to watch her. They typically cutely look at the pages, look at Avery...all cuteness. Well, apparently they know what a camera is now. I bent down to take this picture when they were cutely looking at the book. They must have caught sight of me in the meantime, before the flash, and here's the outcome:


HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That's Madelyn (aka, the clown) on the left, Macey on the right. Hilarious!

I'd hardly believe it myself unless it happened to me.

That's sorta how I feel about my life.

Thursday night Madelyn had been home from the hospital for all of about 1 hour and it was bedtime. The kids had been playing outside and came in to get ready for bed. James carried Caden to his crib on his shoulders and put him in his crib with the rail down (we usually leave the rail down and Caden climbs in himself with the assistance of a step stool - we started this when I was hugely pregnant with the twins and couldn't hoist him in there anymore). Caden likes to sleep in just his pull up, so he was pulling his shirt off, standing up in his crib. You know how when you're little (like Caden) you feel like you have to lean WAY over to pull your shirt off over your head? Yeah, well Cay did that but in the process he fell head first out of his crib. I stated in my last blog post that he cried hard from a fall and got a bloody nose. Well, apparently that was just the tip of the iceberg.

When Caden woke up Friday morning he was crying. James went to get him to start getting ready for school and he wouldn't use his right arm. AT. ALL. We decided he needed to be seen, so I drove him to the clinic and our doctor looked him over and sent us for xrays.

Nothing huge showed up on the xrays. Apparently Caden has a "posterior fat pad" on his elbow - it means he for sure hurt it, but we don't know if it's a tiny fracture or what it is. He's "wearing a sling" (I say that loosely because mostly he just lets his arm hang down from the sling) until we have repeat xrays on Friday. He has a totally abnormal response to pain - his threshhold is CRAZY high. But he won't use that arm. AT. ALL. I know it must really hurt. However. For prayer tonight I did see him slip his left hand over to his right hand and all 10 fingers clasped. How precious to me, God!!!

And now for the moment of mommy heartache. When Caden went to bed Thursday night after his fall, I put him back in his crib and he was still REALLY crying hard. I assumed it was because his nose had just bled a lot and he was scared from falling head over heels onto the floor (wouldn't you be?). I stroked his head a bit but then I left the room, with him still sobbing. I didn't know what else to do. And he cried for a while. Probably at LEAST 15 more minutes. And now I know he very well could have fractured his elbow. And I walked away from him. With him still crying. I feel horrible about that. It's SO heartbreaking that he couldn't tell me that he was hurting. He didn't have the words. He could only cry. My only comfort is that God heard his unspoken hurt and took it away...I know he finally fell asleep and did sleep all night. So hard. So hard.

She's home!

She came around this afternoon. She pulled her oxygen out before 11am and I decided to leave it out. Her sats stayed around 94. Then she just stayed doing well with her sats all afternoon and our dr came to see her after 5pm and said she could go home! YAY! We're all back under one roof. Whatta feeling!

Now please pray. Pray for continued healing for Madelyn (she sounds atrocious but is getting better). Pray for Macey, who is acting quite sick. Pray also for Declan and Avery, who both have fevers. And, for Caden, who fell tonight and cried (HARD) for a solid 5 minutes with a heckuva bloody nose. I think we have ALL had it.

She's still in the hospital.

Madelyn just can't seem to shake needing the oxygen. So for now, she's still in the hospital. James has stayed with her nearly the entire time, which has been very difficult because the hospital air is so incredibly dry and it's making his coughing horrible. I think he went back to work too early last week - he has thrown up and coughed more this week than just about any other week. I think he needs some more time off, for his health physically and mentally.

Things here at home are going pretty well. I'm so thankful to have been able to be at home and Heather's been over nearly every day to help with household stuff or whatnot because I've got more sick kids here at home. Declan is sick - fever, runny nose, just not feeling well. He was also supposed to have surgery on Friday (to bring his left testicle down) but that has now been postponed until he is feeling better. Who knows when that will be...

Macey is also not herself. We think it might be teeth - they are 8 months old now. She does a lot of crying and just acts like something hurts. Not sure what to do for her either...

So we keep on keeping on. I'm tired. I'm sure James is tired. But we do it. I don't think we have another choice! God is blessing us on the journey and we just keep listening for His voice.

It's (almost) getting funny.

Madelyn is back in the hospital. She doesn't have RSV. Her blood work is excellent. Her chest xray looks good. But she's got something "like" RSV and is really sick.

We were in Wisconsin Dells all weekend for the annual Midwest RTS Reunion. We left Friday morning and Madelyn wasn't feeling well - had been throwing up and fever, but both girls had just had their shots and I figured that was it. Well, she progressively got worse over the weekend. Saturday night I got back to our hotel room with Caden and James said she wasn't doing well. We weren't sure what to do - she was breathing fast, retracting, nasal flaring, all the bad signs. We didn't want her to be hospitalized in WI when we were supposed to leave the next morning to go home, so we decided to leave Caden and Avery with grandpa and grandma in their hotel room (to come home the next morning) and we packed Declan and the twins into our van and headed home....5 hours mind you. We never.stopped.once. The little ones just slept all the way home. We got a few hours of shut eye after arriving home at 3am and then we got up and I brought Madelyn to the ER. Sure enough, she needs to be in the hospital. So that is how I spent my birthday - in a hospital room with a very sick baby.

They say the temps are going to be warming up here. If that isn't true, I just might quit. Quit winter, that is. Do you think it'll play along??

Nothing new..

I guess that's a good thing, in the grand scheme of things. Not much is happening here. Macey is off oxygen after Tuesday's appointment, which is very good news! They both seem to be doing very well. They have coughed here and there but nothing terrible.

James, on the other hand, is still coughing horribly. He's growing increasingly active here at home (working on the twins' new bedroom, which was Avery's old bedroom) to try to prepare himself for the rigors of work and anything/everything sends him into a coughing fit. It's relentless! He has been able to spend most nights in bed with me so that's nice - he used to have to leave and sleep upright on the couch most nights so he wouldn't cough so bad.

Thought I'd share a picture I captured today. You may remember we tried something similar Christmas day and James made me angry and Declan whacked Macey on the head multiple times and it was just AWFUL, but today went very well! Here's our babies!!

Caden 7
Avery 5
Declan 2
Macey and Madelyn (sitting in that order) 7.5 months

We're home!

As of yesterday, all seven of us are back under one roof. It's such a blessed feeling. I had Macey and Madelyn in the crib together and granted, I am tired and emotional, but I just broke down crying at how precious they were together in the crib and how much they need each other and how much life wouldn't be the same without TWO of them! I can't imagine just one Macey or just one Madelyn - they are unique yet very much part of a set. I'm so glad they're back together!

Macey was discharged yesterday morning, but she is on oxygen here at home, needed especially while sleeping and at times while eating. We don't have a pulse oximeter here to know what her sats are, but she was pretty consistent at the hospital and it was obvious she needed the help while sleeping. We hope to be able to remove the need for oxygen on Wed the 24th at their follow-up doctor appointments.

February is a big month for birthdays in our families! Yesterday was a very special niece's 10th birthday and tomorrow is James' mom's 60th! And then Tuesday is James' birthday!! I love birthdays. :)

I also wanted to add that I have removed the ability to leave anonymous comments on my blog. I wish I still could because I realize several of you comment without IDs but I was getting too many weird comments from anonymous people and I just don't feel like dealing with it. So, sign up for a google account if you want to leave comments! Hey, start a blog yourself!!

We're still in!

I miss my husband. I really do. I want to go away with him for a nice long (cough-free) weekend and do nothing but sleep and sleep and just talk with him and have him be well and know our kids are well and just.....be. That's what I wish for more now than anything else in the entire world.

Tonight we're going to go out for supper together while my mom sits with Macey here in the hospital room. I believe Avery is going to be here as well (I'm sure that she wants to go along with us but the former preschool teacher in me will talk her into staying because "staying with Macey will be the COOLEST thing a 5yo girl could do!"). We're supposed to have Ave's Creation Station conferences tonight at 5 but we called her wonderful teachers and they are letting us get them in later when everyone's healthy, bless them. James has Ave at dance right now (bless HIM) and then they'll be over here to the hospital to see little miss Macey for a while.

Little miss can't quite keep her oxygen sats high enough, so she'll be here for one more night. Hopefully we can go home tomorrow. And then hopefully we'll start getting James healthy. My heart simply aches for him - he tells me that he's so exhausted he barely feels anything anymore. I just can't imagine. He also said last night was the first night he remembers not waking up to cough! That is HUGE! He had all 4 kids at home down to bed by 7:15 and then all slept until after 7am. Go James!!

There's good news and there's bad news.

The good news first. Madelyn was released from the hospital this morning! She really seems to have improved and it's nice to see her smiling self again.

The bad news? Macey was admitted to the hospital this afternoon. Macey and mommy were down in the clinic while Madelyn was being discharged upstairs. Poor James - he's SO exhausted and yet he had Madelyn up in her hospital room, along with Avery and Declan as well. I had to wait forever for xrays which finally showed that Macey also has developed pneumonia. She's in - we'll see how long we're here! Ugh.

Wow, the hospital internet is fast!

Yeah, that's where I'm typing from. Madelyn just didn't improve so we brought her in this morning again and she was admitted to the hospital. Her pulse ox was 92, she was breathing pretty fast, retracting, nasal flaring, all the good stuff. Tonight she is finally falling asleep at 8:30 and has smiled a few times. It was so sad - during her xrays they put her in this horrid contraption that holds her in from the sides and pins her arms up and above her head. She was so exhausted from the blood work pokes, IV pokes and all of that that she simply held her mouth open to breathe better and stared straight ahead. SO SAD!!!

We got some other very interesting news today as well. Turns out James has whooping cough! The test was positive. Worst part is...the twins also BOTH have it! So bizarre!! At least now we have an answer for James but he is just still so miserable. His mom is staying out at our house tonight with him and the other kids because he just about can't take care of everyone on his own. He coughs and throws up that much. I am praying hard that it clears up SOON.

Before I forget (again)!

I just blogged all that and forgot about our Avery funny. So at bedtime we read her stories from the Bible - her children's Bible. Then we pray with her out loud - she prays and we pray. After that we tuck her in and she usually reads from her Bible for a while longer. By read, I mean she makes things up but she does so in a very loud, talkative manner. Last night one of our stories was about the prophet Elijah.

Last night we could hear her clearly. She was just chattering away. She is going to be a gifted read-alouder to her kids someday! We paused the tv so we could hear her and this is what came out: "I'm not a mommy. I'm a prophet! I help God with new tricks!!"

Holy hilarious.

Aaaaannnnnddddd....

we're still at home. This is a good thing. The person most in need of the hospital is James I think. I have HONESTLY NEVER heard anyone cough like this. He coughs repeatedly/solidly for about 15 seconds and usually throws up afterward. Our dr did run the pertussis (whooping cough) test but we don't have results yet. Today James also has tons of drainage and is stuffed up and just plain miserable. I am truly at a loss. I've never heard of anything like it. I feel TERRIBLE for him.

Macey seems to be coming around. She doesn't cough as frequently and she is happier. Madelyn is still concerning, but after getting her up for a while tonight she smiled at me a few times which tells me she's doing ok. She still coughs a TON and really struggles with that. I actually think her cough is getting worse and will probably bring her in to the dr in the morning to get her checked over for peace of mind. The pertussis test was also run on the twins. Results pending.

I think we may have turned the potty corner with Caden tonight. He has been wearing big boy underwear to school for weeks now and has only had maybe 1 accident. Problem is, he holds it...and holds it and HOLDS it. Then he gets home and tries to go, but starts to cry and saw "ow" on the potty and it's all kinds of confusing. Tonight he started caterwauling on the potty, flapping his hands and rolling his head around, saying owie - it was just bizarre. Finally I let him get off the potty and as we were pulling up his underwear and jeans he started peeing ALL over. I got firm with him (ok, I was mad) and put him back on the potty. I think the problem is he doesn't like the FEELING of continued flow coming out. I think he thinks that's owie. So every time he did a nice, steady stream I got all excited and started hooting and hollering. When he stopped, I went quiet. Caden LOVES a good ol ruckus, so he started back up again, and every time the flow would keep going I would just whoop it up! He finally got a lot of pee out, and I think he got used to the idea that it's supposed to come out all at once and all at the same time. At least I hope so. There seems to be a disconnect there and I'm not sure if it's his developmental age or his disability or what...but hopefully tonight made sense for him!

Double RSV plus ear infection and pneumonia

I'm convinced that the more kids you have, the more you're in the doctor. I guess that isn't shocking news but it's frustrating, nonetheless.

I finally took the twins in this morning for the continued cough. Madelyn was acting sicker, fever, sounding raspy, etc. Turns out they both have RSV (even though Macey's RSV test was negative in the ER on Friday). Macey has an ear infection and is starting on zithromax again. Madelyn also has pneumonia, which is common with RSV. They're home for now. Their pulse ox was good, which is a relief. Now we just pray they turn the corner and start getting better.

James came with me and our dr was asking him about HIS continued cough. We're starting with more aggressive tests now for James, as he is still coughing to the point of throwing up and just so sick of it! Hopefully we'll get some answers.

Digging in to the baby book

the blog, that is...I'm motivated to sit here and write down the twins' weights, lengths and milestones thus far in order to get them entered into the baby book. Wish me luck! It's too bad Ebay keeps calling my name.

Can I just say how sick I am of coughing?

Avery's on medication now too - antibiotic for her cough, plus she started running a fever. James is still throwing up from time to time with it...at least once daily. The twins have started a nasty cough. And today, it became REALLY nasty.

This morning just after 10 Macey started a coughing fit. She coughed and coughed, never seeming to take a breath and gather air in. I was growing very concerned, and next thing I knew her nose and mouth were blue and the rest of her face was turning dusky. It's so bizarre - it's like everything moves in slow motion. I knew I SHOULD call 911 but then I thought, "for a cough???" and I second-guessed it like 10 times before I just dialed. They were on their way almost instantly and even though we're out in the country it only took about 10 minutes for them to get here - she was done coughing at this point, just breathing fast and rattly in her chest at bit, but was breathing again.

I am so thankful that James' cousin is an EMT and was here with the ambulance. I felt relieved that he was here, talking me through it. I was just so scared. I've never felt more helpless. If your kid had some sort of traumatic injury but was still breathing, that would be tolerable I think, but to know they aren't getting any air and not be able to do anything about it is AWFUL.
They took off with her to the ER in the ambulance. Avery flipped out at this point. I think she believed that Macey wasn't coming back. Plus I had asked Avery to sit Macey up from the floor when she first started the coughing fit and I think she was feeling somewhat responsible. She was holding her and then she realized that mommy was scared...and then mommy was on the phone and it was all just a blur for her. My dad had come out at this point and he stayed with Madelyn, Declan and Avery so I could drive to the ER.

Long story made short, they said she probably had a mucous plug in her throat (somewhere in there, anyway) and babies don't know what to do besides keep coughing until it finally breaks free. They said it would break free, just to sit her up and pat her back until she breathes again. In response to that I'd like to say YEAH RIGHT because you absolutely panic when they are coughing and not breathing like that. Tonight both Macey and Madelyn have coughed quite a bit again, but no turning blue this time. It's all just so unsettling.

Is it spring yet???

And he's STILL sick.

He's still coughing to the point of throwing up. The worst part is that he doesn't know when it's coming. He's found if he doesn't have anything in his stomach it's better, but that's pretty much impossible to do round the clock.

He went through a lot of tests at the hospital on Friday. All signs point to asthma issues. We knew that he had issues as a little boy, but didn't seem to be too bothered by it now as an adult. Apparently this illness has sent him over the proverbial edge. It's just hard to know how long it's going to last. Very frustrating for all of us, especially James. It's sad when he starts coughing and your 5 year old daughter says, "It's ok everyone, he's just gonna throw up."

Some news (which, I realize, is worthless without pictures) - Avery had her first dance recital on Saturday and it was AHHHHHDORABLE! She did so well but it was a long night. She LOVED watching the older girls dance at rehearsal in the morning. She was fascinated and wanted to do what they were doing. It was called "Dance Before the Lord" and was done to Christian music, which was so nice.

Friday James had all this testing done and we had our septic tank pumped out. Holy disgusting. That reeks. Also on Friday the twins had their 6 month well child dr appointments. They are doing very well but they have what James has (horrid cough, poor things!) so they were too sick to get shots. Madelyn also had her 2nd ear infection. Both girls went on zithromax for their rough sounding chests - basically they have bronchitis. We'll go back late next week for shots if they're feeling better.

James is still so sick!

I can't believe this. His cough is AWFUL. I'm going to copy and paste something I shared on another board today:

He went to the dr Tuesday morning at my insistance. On Sunday night he coughed so long and hard that he actually blacked out. I called our family dr at home on Monday morning and he said for him to come in on Tues. They did chest x-rays and bloodwork and a bunch of stuff. He thought it could be asthma related and put him on another antibiotic, plus mega cough meds. Tuesday night he starts vomiting every time he coughs. Lovely.

Wednesday morning his sclera (white part of his eye) is blood red. He's burst all the blood vessels in his eye and it looks awful. He says his eye hurts SO bad. Still vomiting with every coughing fit. Absolutely no warning when the vomiting is coming either, which is pleasant.

Thursday (this) morning I made him call in again. They are referring him to our local ENT. Hopefully they can scope his throat. I really think he might have something lodged in his throat or somewhere before his tummy. Incidentally, the coughing started the day after we ate out at a chinese restaurant. While we were eating James thought he got a shrimp tail stuck in his throat (yes, he eats the ENTIRE shrimp, never met anyone who does that). I'm just starting to wonder if that isn't the issue...this is not improving. I can't believe all of this over a cough! But seriously, there's something else going on....I just wish we knew!!

A potty success!

Caden is home from school early due to teacher inservice or some other nonsense like that. Can you tell I'm not a fan of early outs? Anyway, he's been wearing underwear to school most every day and staying dry all day, but not having much success with actually PEEING at school. He has a strong bladder, that one! So today he's here and it's nap time (James is upstairs napping as well) and he started dancing around, so I opened the bathroom door for him. I helped him get his pants down and sat him up on the potty and he peed immediately! Granted, it was straight out and hit my jeans and shoes, but hey, I'll take it! Go Caden!

Holy $*&%!

That's what's in our basement. Only it ain't holy. It's backed up from the septic tank. And it's all over our basement. And there's a blizzard going on today. And James was home sick from work...only to work on the basement all afternoon. Annnnnd, it's still not fixed.

That's right. We have a sewer back up. No idea when it happened but James went downstairs (we NEVER go down there) to get a joystick thingy to play a computer game (he NEVER plays computer games) and came back up with bad news. So I started hauling stuff out and piling things in dry corners, which aren't many. Our basement has been a catch-all for junk over the years. It used to be our only storage before the addition, but since we've added on we've just kinda left the basement to rot. It ain't pretty down there, and now it's swimming with.....yeah.

Wondering what James is home sick with? So are we. He has a cough so bad that last night he actually fell over when he tried to stand up. He doesn't remember it. He blacked out because he can't breathe when he coughs. It's been going on for 3 weeks now and when he fell over I freaked out. I called our (awesome) family dr this morning at home and he said to have James come in in the morning to run further tests. I'm somewhat concerned about it, but we'll see.

We'll see, too, if he can even make it out our gravel road to get there at 8am. A blizzard hit this morning, taking everyone by surprise. School was delayed 2 hours, then started, only to let out an hour early. I had to take Ave to preschool and it.was.not.pretty. There was little to no visibility on our gravel road and I was scared at times! Made it home, only to deal with yucky basement.

So there you have it. We finally have power back which I am utterly thankful for. It's just one more thing I guess. And now...Madelyn is crying and it's 10pm. So rare. On we go!

Bloggin from the 'rents...

Someone really needs to tell my wonderful parents that their laptop BLOWS. I'm serious. I'm not entirely sure what's up with it but it has closed down internet explorer no less than 5 times i the short time I've been sitting here. Actually, perhaps it's an internet explorer thing. Imagine that!

So school was held today, even though most walkways were glare ice. They did a late start, and they added the wonderful clause that the buses would be on hard surfaces only. Sometimes, living on gravel is not cool. HOWEVER. I have to say that the director of the bus barn is AWESOME and told our bus driver our road was good enough to travel! (As an aside, the director is also Caden's 1:1 associate's husband, LOL!! It pays to have friends in high places!) The next however is that we were already making plans to go to my parents for the day so Caden got picked up here instead. Why, you ask? Well, because living on gravel is not cool, as I mentioned previously - we are without power. And that is not doable with 2 infants because yes, I am one of those mothers who microwaves her babies' bottles, even though it says not to. Oh well!

Yesterday was not a good day. I nearly lost it with all my kids. It was just too much. Do you ever have those moments where you swear your head might come disconnected from your body if one.more.thing rubs you the wrong way? And yes, I admit I was punchy, but wow. Caden peed on the carpet upstairs in at least 3 places that I could feel/smell. He had zero success on the potty while home all day but did pee all over. That was so frustrating. Then Declan. He's 2. And he whines a lot. I'm not sure how to punish whining other than to ignore, but my ears couldn't ignore it yesterday. And Avery...I mentioned she was up by 5am? That didn't work out so well for her. She was RUDE, she was disobedient, she had the audacity to narrow her eyes and glare at me when I told her no to something (wonder where she gets those over-the-top facial expressions from?????). The twins were good. They're honestly always good. Well, almost always. I add that only because I'm sure if I say always they'll go and prove me wrong and I'm just not in the mood for that.

And today I am not doing so well with weight watchers. I'm at my parents' all day and I don't want to count points. I just had 3 York peppermint patties with a Diet Sunkist chaser. But other than that I've been doing ok overall. This is tough stuff though people! I'm trying to undo 9 years of horrible eating habits, and old habits die hard.

ANOTHER "snow" day...

except this one's ice. Argh, I am so sick of this! I guess the plus side is that Caden can practice potty training here at home. We started our morning with him getting undies on, then promptly peeing all over his bedroom floor. I guess he had to pee! Oops.

Actually, the morning started at 5am with Avery jumping around and squealing in DECLAN'S crib. Yes, you read that right. We have told her she is NOT to come downstairs until she hears people awake or sees that it's light outside, but apparently that didn't matter. She said she wasn't tired anymore. Hel-lo, the rest of us are! So she woke both boys up and James had to referree and send her up to her room. That lasted until about 6:30 when she came and turned on our bedroom light overhead, thereby waking me and stirring the twins. I was about to get ticked but sent her out again...not sure what she did for the next 30 minutes but I really don't care. It's a no school day and you're up by 5am when you usually sleep until at least 7-7:30? NOT cool. Not quite sure how to handle this one....advice?

Caden is at school in big boy underwear!

We took a hiatus for a bit with everything happening with my family, but yesterday was a no-school day for him (WHY they didn't make up a snow day I have NO idea...) and I decided to try undies again. One thing is for sure - Caden can hold his pee for a VERY long time. A good thing, in my opinion - he has control over his bladder. But this also means he doesn't go on the potty very much. In fact, he didn't go at all yesterday. He had undies put on at 9am, stayed dry all day, even including a trip to take Avery to preschool, and I finally found him in the bathroom playing in the sink at 6:45...with pee allllllllll over the floor. At least he was in the right room!

I called his 1:1 associate and asked her what she thought. She was game! So off he went this morning in his Thomas undies. I texted her at noon and after a while she texted back - he was still dry AND he had peed in the potty!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Happy Birthday Dear Declan!!!!

Happy birthday to youuuuu! A sweet little boy turned TWO today! We didn't really do much, but I think the best part about the little ones is that they don't have a clue about it all, so you don't have to do much! We had a wonderful day as a family all together, so that is great. Happy birthday little man! Can't wait to see what your two year old year brings!

A big girl room...for three!

I had no idea today was going to be so productive! Heather knew. She's one of those amazing girls who gets an idea and then she doesn't just run with it, she sprints. She and her kids were over this morning while the guys were doing breakfast and guy stuff and, since we've talked about moving Avery into the upstairs bedroom for while now, she decided it was a good day. Before we knew it we had the guys stopping to pick up paint. Then Dan was slapping paint on the walls and in no time AT ALL the room was painted. Then the furniture went up there (it's not much) and oh my goodness, it's a room just for Avery Sue! We've had to play it up BIG to Avery - "you'll have your own bathroom, closet and bedroom! All for you!" - because this girl has some anxiety issues like you can't imagine. But honestly, she was excited about moving her stuff up there today. And tonight at bedtime she went right into her bed (she did change her mind and end up sleeping on the bottom bunk instead of the top), we all did Bible stories and bedtime prayers and she's tucked in. She even wanted the door "shut all the way". SNIFF!!! My big girl is such a big girl! She's not even on the same floor as us anymore. I think it's ME who wasn't ready for it!

So why the title, you ask? Why "for three"? Well, the goal is to move the twins out of our bedroom and into the room Avery occupied up until this afternoon. I can just picture two little cribs in there, two white rocking chairs, awwww! That isn't going to happen for a bit though, because Avery's previous room is part of the "old house" (it was our master bedroom, if you could call it that in the old house) and it needs some remodeling. First, the carpet is BEYOND nasty. Let me tell you a little story about it. One time when Montana (our nearly 10 year old black lab) was just a puppy we were at my parents' house and she got into the grease cup under their grill. She ate the whole thing...well not the cup because it was a tin can, but you get the gist. When we got home, she THREW UP all over the carpet in that bedroom and it was tarry black. UGH! I have NEVER been able to get it out of the carpet. We thought we found the magic solution this past fall when we mixed up some oxiclean and water in a spray bottle...but overnight that just bleached out parts of the stain to a clean color and left the rest disgusting. The carpet's gotta go.

Underneath the carpet is some nice hardwood flooring, but it'd take a heckuvalotta work to get it nice. So I think we're going to pull up the carpet and paint the floor with porch enamel and then use a couple of big shag rugs. But that's not all. We also need to widen the closet door to accommodate bifold closet doors (twins need double the cute Gymboree, you know), add a linen closet off that bedroom and change the doorway/opening into the hallway. Plus it has never had an actual DOOR so we'd like to add that as well. James is SO not looking forward to more projects, but Dan and Heather are all about it. I think James is just done with remodeling. Problem is, I am not. So remodeling, here we come again!

Offie!! Offie!!

This is Declan's shout out for everything that mommy drinks. Can you tell she likes coffee?? Well, she used to drink a lot of "coffee", but the problem with mommy's coffee was that it had tons of french vanilla creamer in it. That's no longer so weight watcher friendly, so I don't have much of it anymore. But I do drink a lot of pop (diet), and Declan still calls it "offie". Oh, and he adds a whiiiine and he hopes that he can run off with it. Nice try, buster.

I can't believe it but he is going to be two this Sunday. Where has the time gone? Add to that the fact that the twins are already 6 months old and I think we're officially crazy here.

We fed the twins cereal last night. Macey went first and she no likey. Not at all. She didn't even try, just made horrid faces. Madelyn went next and she was good with it, even trying to "chew" a couple of times! We did get some video and pictures. (I bet you're sick of me saying that when I never actually post any pictures. I wish I could be better about that but mostly I blog from the laptop downstairs and all the pictures have to be uploaded upstairs....aaaaaaaaaand I'm lazy, so you just don't get to see pictures. If there were an easier way around that (like does anyone know - can I just hook up a cord from my camera to the laptop and haul them onto here from there??) I would post pictures more. )And in case you're wondering, the only reason we fed them cereal was that they are waking up in the middle of the night again and we just switched to 8oz. bottles, so we figured they were hungry. Last night they were still up in the middle of the night, but the amount of cereal they actually got in was little (Madelyn) to none (Macey). Otherwise, no way would I have started them on cereal yet. It goes back to that lazy thing. Plus once you start, you can't really quit. Which again, goes back to that lazy thing.

But before I force you to believe that I am THAT lazy, I did do the 30 Day Shred again last night! Heather came over and we did it! I think we both nearly planned each others' funerals but we worked it out! Avery exercised with us, too, and she quit more often than me. Hey, I have more endurance than a 5 year old!!! Wait. Should I be proud of that??

The Biggest Loser?

So I watched that show for the first time ever last night. Very inspirational, and a whole lot more fun to watch than the Bachelor where you end up feeling fat, ugly and undesireable. Yeah, with Biggest Loser you realize you AREN'T the fattest person alive and that's a rather nice feeling!

Today I drank a whole liter of water. If you know me you know I dislike water GREATLY. (I won't use the word "hate" because my grandma Marie told me I could never use that word unless I was talking about the devil, point stuck great lady!) But I drank the whole thing and have been in the bathroom often. It wasn't terrible, either! I might learn to like it. And I can't even tell you the last time I had a regular Mt. Dew. It's been THAT long. YAY!

Ok but back to The Biggest Loser. I ordered Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD from amazon the other day. If you know about Biggest Loser you know that Jillian is the super tough personal trainer. She works people HARD. I heard good things about this DVD so I ordered it and for once I was unhappy with amazon's shipping. It came too dang fast. Tonight after a horrible day including yelling at all 3 of my older children, I succumbed to the pressure and had THREE scoops of chocolate ice cream...regular. Holy lord. (I blame a lot of it on James and the fact that he had to be at church, thus forcing me to do bedtime all alone. I blame a lot of stuff on other people...it just feels better.) I refuse to count the points in that, but after calling a good friend whose name rhymes with feather I realized I need to pony up to the fact that I use food for EVERYTHING - company, stress relief, enjoyment, reward, you name it. She encouraged me to bust out that DVD and hit it. So I did.

Is it normal to feel as if you've lost all control of your limbs? I think I'm made entirely out of spaghetti. And to make matters worse, I wasn't even able to do a lot of it, I just stood there, huffing and puffing and watching Jillian and her chicks do it (they look GOOD, by the way). After I was done I took a shower but resolved that for 30 days (hence the name of the dvd) I was going to do my absolute best to do it every day. I'm not sure how I'll feel in the morning. I have a good feeling I'll be having dreams about Mack trucks driving straight into me, but for now I'm glad I did it and it just proves that you're never too out of shape or too big to start getting healthy. I truly feel like if I can do it, ANYONE can do it.

Another small tidbit of information...my dad will be home tomorrow. Please pray for a welcoming community (church and otherwise) and for lots of healing for our family. God is good, all the time; all the time, God is good!

Ultimate baby book!

I've always said blogging is an excellent way to keep record of your kids' milestones. Problem is, you have to weed through all of it to find what you're looking for. Oh well, some day I'll have all kinds of time and just want to pour over all my ramblings and find the tidbits of information. Right? Mmmm hmmm.

Ok. So. Declan has been screaming at bedtime for about 5 nights now. Heather suggested ear infection, I hadn't really considered it. Honestly, I have been scolding him for screaming and not going to sleep - I thought he was being naughty. Bad mommy! He's actually got an ear infection! 10 mommy points to Heather. He's now had his first dose of Zithromax (love that drug) and is drugged with motrin...and went off to sleep without tears. Sleep well sweet man. On Sunday you will enter the world of TWOs!!

Macey and Madelyn are getting so cute. Macey is the smiley one. She is the squealer and the talker and the SMILER! She will hone in on you and just beam. It's so endearing. She is a very sweet little girl with a softer, less forceful cry than Madelyn. She's happy to be Macey and is getting quite good at grabbing toys to bring them to her mouth.

Madelyn is more serious. She can get good and mad, and cries quite loudly and forceably. We have this little song, "The mad in Madelyn stands for mad, it really, really stands for madddd!" It's true. Madelyn will smile (with that same, precious dimple in the left corner of her mouth) but you've gotta work for it. Madelyn has huge, doe eyes, and she will lock eyes with you in a way that melts you.

On to the milestones. And this is where twins amaze me. Macey rolled over (back to front) this morning around 10am. She rolled to her left...incidentally she also sucks her left 2 fingers. I was gone taking Declan to the dr for his ear infection after this, and James told me that Madelyn rolled over (back to front) within hours after Macey! Madelyn rolled to her right...incidentally she also sucks her RIGHT two fingers. Fascinating! They did the exact same thing, opposite directions, within just hours of one another, in birth order - Macey first, Madelyn second. I guess what's so interesting to me is that Macey has appeared ready to roll for weeks now and Madelyn hasn't shown ANY signs of readiness until earlier this morning. I guess that's the ultimate case of peer pressure. Or what would that be...wombmate pressure??

(And as an aside, yes, I grilled James to make sure he told me the right baby rolled while I was gone. He announced that Madelyn had rolled over and I hautily assured him that it had to have been Macey. Then he told me which side of the playyard the said baby was on. *I* was wrong. It has to happen once per year. I guess I got it in early this year.)

3.8 pounds lost!

I'm actually disappointed with this, but I think I have been setting unrealistic expectations for myself honestly. I did lose 3.8 pounds and I should be proud of that, right? It just seems like the whole goal is SO far away if I only am losing 3.8 pounds at a time.

I'm going to resolve to be happy about this, and see how much better I'm already doing.

But to say that I've been stressed lately is an understatement. I've got family stuff going on, I'm trying to cut back on my biggest comfort (food) and there are always diapers to change and bottles to make. I'm feeling stressed. I try to hold it together but last night poor James had me sobbing in bed over just feeling ugly and overwhelmed. Today I feel better, thanks to a visit from Heather, plus this afternoon is my time out without kids and then I get to have dinner with James! I love Tuesdays!

First weigh in tonight!

I can't believe I have been at this for a week now! It's really an easy program to follow and you don't need an incredible amount of willpower to do it, either. I like that you can have what you want, you just have to realize that McDonald's for breakfast means you're not having much the rest of the day. THAT'S where I used to falter. I'd have McD's for breakfast, then junk for lunch and go out to eat at night without thinking about calories...and then I'd have 5-6 Mountain Dews throughout the day as well. Enough of that! It's time to take care of me, and I'm glad to be doing so. I was very encouraged by what I saw on the scale this morning, but I'm sure it will be higher tonight at Weight Watchers because I have to wear a lot more clothes there. Sorry, TMI. I'll update when I have an update!

Caden is sick.

Here I was, getting all excited that Caden and Avery were going to be able to go to Children's Worship at church tomorrow, and as of this evening Caden has thrown up and is not acting himself at. all. We spent the evening at my mom's tonight, the guys tackling some household projects and the gals ordering and baking pizzas and Caden acted ok during that, though he didn't eat much. He actually threw up before we even left for mom's - it was funny and sad all at the same time...he had thrown up upstairs in his jumper/spinner and we were all downstairs. He was calling for us from time to time but nothing out of the ordinary. James finally went up to get him and said, "Ohhh, poor bub!!" Yep, apples got chucked. And tonight for bedtime Caden just went right into his crib (yes still at 7 years old - it works for me!) and laid down, ready to be covered up. Poor bub indeed!

In other Caden news, we finally FINALLY got his IQ evaluation back and I wish they would have just kept it. We need to know in order to keep him on the waiver program in Iowa, but sheesh, totally depressing. They labeled him as having "severe mental retardation" and mentioned several times that he scored "extremely low". Ok so maybe testing isn't his strong suit, but he's not what I would consider "severe". Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe the test just sucks. Maybe both, but it wasn't fun to read that. I had to put it away so I can look at it later.

Yesterday I failed to mention that the twins turned 6 months! It's true. And they are looking more alike every day. I still believe they might be mirror image twins as Macey sucks her left 2 fingers and Madelyn her right 2 fingers, but I'm finding if that's the only proof I have then it might not really hold water. Time will tell I suppose. In terms of development they are right on with our other kids - totally gross motor delayed! Neither one has rolled over yet (though Macey is close) and they are nowhere near sitting up on their own. Declan first rolled over on June 27 (I remember this ONLY because it's our anniversary and my mom and dad had him overnight and he did it for them first, of course!) so he was just over 5 months and we thought he was the BIGGEST lazybones in the world. Apparently M&M want to prove us wrong!

More snow days - 5 now.

I think we'll be seeing school well into June. I guess I don't really mind if I'm being perfectly honest, because during the summer I have 5 kids here with me! I will be recruiting our sweet neighbor girl K to help out I think. She is SO good with my kids and a big help to me as well! Yesterday she took Caden and Avery to her house and they played for hours. It was so nice to just let Declan and the twins nap quietly - not to mention I just lazed around and did nothing! She called again to ask to come and get them at 1pm for the afternoon since there's no school. Um, let me think about that...sure!!!! She's a great kid with a true heart for other kids.

Nothing much planned for the weekend that I can think of. What are you doing? Anything exciting? I think Dan and Heather will be out here for sure as we've had some withdrawal from them. Other than that we'll be sure mom can spend some time with her grandkiddies. Children's Worship starts back up at church on Sunday so maybe we can actually go and ENJOY the service!

Today was a success!

I'm feeling so good about today and weight watchers. I met my points and I even had the same things at dinner that my family had - just 1/3c. mashed potatoes instead of my usual, oh, I dunno, 2 cups?? God bless a midwest girl, but those mashers are hard to pass up!

Right now I'm enjoying one of my favorite treats (thank you mama for showing me how to make them!) - vanilla iced coffee. I swapped out my usual full calorie creamer for a sugar free and added 0 calorie sweet n low sweetener - and I love it! I won't talk in all the "points" terms to you, as if you're not following the WW program it won't make sense, but it's low in points (a good thing) and still really tasty.

Oh speaking of the points thing, I felt like a total dumb-head this afternoon. Another family in Avery's preschool class picks her up from preschool and brings her home on Monday and Wednesday. They are so sweet and it's usually the dad who brings her home. Today I am so wrapped up in the counting points thing that I said something about, "It's like a heat wave today with 19 points!" He must have thought I was off my ever-lovin' rocker.

Weight Watchers?

Yeah, I'm a weight watcher. I've watched it go up steadily for years. Truth is, I haven't cared much about my weight and the excess thereof. I love eating and have used it as reward for years.

Last night I joined Weight Watchers with my BFF Heather and my mom. It wasn't my idea, it was Heather's. But you know what? I'm glad she placed it on my heart. I think I'm ready. I say I THINK I'm ready because it's true - giving up food and its hold on my life is going to be very, very hard. But I've started wearing maternity tops (and sometimes even pants) because nothing else fits anymore. I've started hiding food and lying about how much I eat to James and other people. I've slowly come to the realization that something's gotta give.

About 6 weeks after the twins were born I was down to a low weight (for me, mind you, you'd probably fall over in dread) and was really surprised at how easy it had come off. I wasn't thinking that it was because I had NO TIME TO EAT that I was losing weight. But then I went right back to not paying attention again. I went right back to eating because food was there, not eating because our bodies need food for fuel. Since that time (that was only about 4.5 months ago) I've put on nearly 30 pounds. If I don't wake up soon I am going to be 350 pounds and not physically able to care for my children. Something's gotta give.

So I put this out there to keep me accountable. I've already screwed up today but I've got a *little* stress in my life right now and don't expect perfection from myself. It's day one of the rest of my life and I'll be danged if you tell me I won't ever have ice cream again. All things in moderation. I can live in this seemingly perfect little town and not have a perfect little body, but I can be perfectly content knowing that I am finally doing something that's good for ME!

Lyrics to Kutless' "What Faith Can Do"

I have loved this song for month now. I just heard it today on the way to bring Avery to preschool and it went straight to my heart. Search it out online and listen if you can. I love this song. Time to track down the CD...

WHAT FAITH CAN DO

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Interesting thing about "missing" someone.

We take people forgranted. We take relationships forgranted. We do. It's just how we're made. We don't wake up each day and think - how can I let everyone I love know exactly just how much I love them today? We might do that for a few days after a crisis situation, but then we revert back to our old ways of thinking mostly about ourselves. I'm not sure why we do this but I know it's true.

I miss my dad. I saw him on Christmas Day which was just over a week ago. And it isn't uncommon that I might not see him for several weeks, even though we lived within mere miles of each other. But now, I've taken him forgranted and he's gone...and I miss him. And you know what's hard about this? He chose to leave, he didn't die where he had no choice in the matter. No, he chose to go, and while I know THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME, I can't help but feel a bit slighted that me and my kids weren't enough to stay for. Yep, there. I said it. I'm feeling that way.

We've been communicating via email. I'm so thankful that he wants to retain communication with us, and it's been good to find out a bit more about where he is and those kinds of things.

And still...I miss him. I miss how flippin' hilarious he is. I miss how he can make me laugh like no other. I miss the fact that he loved my kids like only a few other people (their grandparents) can. While I want him to be home, I don't want him to short circuit his healing process and the healing that needs to happen here at home in order for him to return.

Have you ever felt like your family has got to be the most messed up family there ever was? And yet here's the truth about it - how many of us have "normal" families? How ironic that I chose this name for my blog a few years back. Yes, this IS our normal. And you know what? I love our normal! I think it's far too easy a mentality to believe that perfection is what you need to reach for in terms of relationships and families. We live in a little "perfect" town in Iowa that is in desperate need of a reality check. Life here isn't perfect, yet so many people spend so many of their waking hours trying to make a perfect little life with perfect little kids and perfect families and perfect houses....the list goes on. How I long for a time when we can be real with each other! When we can sit down and say, "Hey, my poop stinks! I'm not ashamed to admit it! And hey, sometimes I feed my kids 100% sugar AS A MEAL! It's fun!" I'm praying we can all strive for the acceptance of imperfection. Because I believe it is when we find out we're imperfect that we're the most perfect there is - in complete agreement with God about our shortcomings and ready for Him to fill our void.

Couldn't blog last night...

way too tired. I went to bed before 8pm, got a phone call that lasted for a while from Chris, but then fell asleep pretty easily after that. James has been wonderful in taking care of the babies so that I can get some good sleep. They've been doing really well, too - most mornings they are making it until 7am, which is nearly 12 solid hours of sleep. We'll take it!

Yeah yesterday we went to Des Moines, went to IHOP and then to get the car from the airport. Mom and I took it to Target and had a little bit of fun shopping, but honestly she's really upset and it's hard for her to have much fun. Too bad, too, because the Christmas stuff was clearanced to 75% off and I want to spend!

Today I'm blogging from your house again. It's NEGATIVE 14 degrees here right now so we thought it best that the little ones stay home with James and get some normalcy, but I did bring Avery with me and we're going to tackle taking down the tree and that kind of stuff today. It's too difficult for Caden to be here - for him and for mom. He knows you went on an airplane and constantly says "papa, DOWN! papa, down!" and he's relentless when mom is on the telephone (which is forever, as you might assume) that he talk to you. He doesn't understand but can't quit asking for/about you. Terribly hard on mom's heart.

Chris and Cathy just arrived. Time to get some stuff done. Praying for you always dad.

Happy New Year!

This isn't exactly the way I thought I'd be ringing in 2010 but apparently we all needed some family time. Some wonderful things have been happening here. Some things that maybe you only dreamed about happening, dad, but they're happening. Mom is seeing M.B. right now and I know that will be a huge step in the right direction. I'm glad you're seeing emails. Did you notice that James hacked your account? Darn that son-in-law who knows way too much about computers, huh? We're glad you changed it back....we just wanted to know that you were out there.

Thank you for keeping yourself safe. Thank you. My kids need Papa Tom. I need my dad. But right now, I want you to know that I realize our needs don't come before your needs. You need to do what you are doing, and I understand that. I *feel like* I need you home, but why? I've gone weeks on end without seeing you before, and we live in the same town. I don't want to be selfish. You and mom didn't raise me to be that way.

It's almost noon where you are and you're already hours into 2010. Is it better in 2010? I sure hope so. And I don't mean that flippantly or rudely, I just mean I'm praying the best for all of us. I'm praying (and believing) that in 6 months we will be in such a better place than we were before all of this. That we'll look back on this time and be GLAD it happened. And that will take some time and a lot of work and healing.

More people are going to be supportive about this than are going to gossip about this. You know there's a lot of concern about what this is going to look like, and so many people know so very little about the whys and the hows of all of this. I agree with you dad - let them talk! There's freedom in the knowledge that we have, and I am confident about the truth in what you are saying to us. I will defend your honor and I will speak loudly on your behalf, should I need to. But I don't think anyone's ready for a good a$$-whooping from me if it should come to that.

I'm doing all I can to support and love on mom. You're right - she gets an A+ for being a mom. I love her to death and am doing everything in my power to support and encourage her through this. This is very difficult for her as I'm sure you knew it would be. She's also hearing some very tough things from all of us which is also difficult for her to process. Her heart is in the right place, and I see the desire for change there. All good things!

Happy New Year! I pray for God's richest blessings upon all of us in 2010. May this be the year we don't get pregnant or have any more babies!!!

Dear Dad,

Did you assume I'd worry? Did you worry that I would worry? Did it bother you that I would worry? I'm sure it did, as I know your heart. I know what you're doing. I understand. I am behind you 100%. I just can't be behind the WAY you're doing this. It's too hard. It's too painful for me - do you KNOW I have been saying the things you're saying? Do you know I get it, I want to help? But now I can't, or so I feel. What do you want me to do daddy? I'm your princess, your little girl, your only daughter. You are my first true knight in shining armor. I expect you to rescue me with your smile, your wit, the way you cherish my precious children, your love. Your hug on Christmas day stuck out to me. I didn't know then what you meant but I get it now and I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

I'm going to share a bit about what's been happening here. I can only pray that you will seek this blog out from your little corner of this big world. That you will use it to connect with us in some way. I'm sharing for your sake, and for the sake of those who are reading this with absolutely no idea of what is going on. I don't share for the sake of drama, lord knows we have enough, but I share to draw you in and to draw the body of Christ around our family.

Last night (Tuesday) around 6:15 mom called me to say that you weren't home yet. She was concerned, and you know that Jeff had already been calling you multiple times. You wouldn't answer your cell phone but we knew that it was on. By 7pm the concern was growing deeper - I was at home to put all 5 kids to bed alone, worried about you, while James was at church for practice. I got that accomplished and started feeling very worried. I tried to pray my fears away but it wasn't working. Chris and Cathy were keeping me informed - mom just filed a missing persons report on you (7:30 or so). By 8 I called James at rehearsal to tell him to come home so I could go be with mom at her house. When I arrived Amy VW was there and P. Art joined moments later. Honestly, I can't remember much of this time, but lots of phone calls were coming in and going out, we just had lots of questions without answers. Around 10pm Chris came over to your house. In typical guy fashion he couldn't handle just sitting around and waiting and wanted me to ride with him to take your usual route to work. So up we went, taking 2nd and all that. We drove the entire campus and agreed with campus police - your car was not there. Chris believed we should drive through the airport parking lot. At 12:39am we found your car. Chris braved checking inside of it and you were not in there, just your coat and some papers in the front seat, one of which had mom's name on the outside. Long story short, P. Art drove all the way up to the airport to meet us with your keys, at which point we read your prose (it was absolutely breathtaking, incidentally). I wasn't convinced you'd really gone, so we went inside and they checked all gates for us. You were really gone.

We drove home (we left your car there dad, and we know you have the other set of keys. I needed to leave your coat in there, too - it's supposed to be really cold the next couple of days) and Chris had to head home so Cathy could get to work. Mom read the letter to her and we talked about a lot of things. A lot of hard things but a lot...things that you know I have been working at already. The Pella PD called and we had your itinerary. New Zealand. Beautiful I am sure. I would love to visit there some day. But I can't believe you really went. All the way across the ocean to a different country. Wow. I'm speechless, and that just never happens.

I love you daddy. I feel like the little girl who is standing on the front steps, watching her daddy walk away as he grows ever smaller and smaller. She's squinting to try to keep him in her sights. Daddy! Come look what I've made! (caden, avery, declan, macey, madelyn) Don't go, daddy! I don't know how to heal your broken heart. I believe in you, and I cherish you, I want you to be happy. If this is what you need to be happy then please don't let my crying take you away from your happiness. Right now I have been awake for 36 solid hours. I have babies who need me, I have a mom who needs me, and right now all I need is YOU.

Will you please, PLEASE just call one of us, anyone, I don't care, just call and give us something. We need something from you, and not just a letter with no answers.

Day 3 of big boy unders!

The rest of yesterday went very well after I blogged. Around supper time Caden actually got on the potty and peed some!! Now, I've never actually seen Caden pee, but when he was on the potty it all came in little drips here and there and tiny spurts randomly. I know, not exactly a great mental picture but hey, it is what it is. I don't know if he just has that much control over it (would be a very good thing!) or if we have a stream issue, but overnight his diaper is just absolutely SOAKED so I have to assume he does pee a good stream...only when his pullup is on!

This morning he's again naked running around. That's pretty much Caden's favorite attire anyway so it isn't like we're putting him out to do this. We'll keep on keeping on!

My sweet Caden is wearing big boy underwear!

Saturday night Caden had a poopy diaper. As usual, I took him to his bedroom to get him cleaned up, and I asked him if he was done pooping. He told me he wasn't done, so I told him we would sit on the potty and finish up. He likes for me to sit on the side of the tub next to him as he sits up on the big potty (he does this at school, so he knows how to get up and all of that, which is nice!) and we chatted for a bit. I just felt it. I just felt he was ready, so I asked him if he was ready to wear his Thomas underwear and be done with pullups during the day. He said yes. Then I told him we would wear big boy undies all the next week while he was home for Christmas break, and if he did well we'd take him to Wal-Mart to buy something special. He immediately said and signed "train!" so it was settled - if he did it and was mostly successful, we'd be going and getting him a train!

Sunday morning dawned and life went on as usual. I didn't even REMEMBER we were going to go for it until James reminded me! So I went and grabbed his big boy Thomas undies and put them on. He was just fine with it, didn't mind at all. He went to the potty a couple of times, once after I saw a tiny bit of wetness on his undies. He sat up on the toilet, scooted way back, but then told me he wanted me to go, so I went out and tried to spy on him...and he flushed before I could tell if anything happened! I certainly didn't hear anything like peeing either of those times, but truly, could a kid go for 10 hours without peeing? I have to think he did pee in these one of those times. He stayed completely dry until bedtime at 7pm, when we put a pullup on him.

This morning Caden woke up absolutely soaked and also poopy. Think he knows what he's doing much? We got him cleaned up and then put Thomas undies back on for the day. He hadn't tried to pee or anything that I was aware of, but I started pumping him full of liquids early this afternoon. At 2pm he was sitting and watching tv when he got up and looked down at the chair he was sitting on. Uh oh. He went immediately to the bathroom where I peeked in at him via the mirror on the bathroom door...I saw him lean over to look at the front of his undies for a short while, then grab the hand towel and start mopping something up. He was standing RIGHT next to the toilet this entire time. I went in and sure enough, he had peed. I didn't make a big deal, just helped him get up on the potty and told him, "Oh no! You peed on Thomas and Thomas doesn't like that! Can you put your pee on the potty next time?" and he said he would! Now he's running around upstairs stark naked, pushing the bubble mower around. (Incidentally, I felt the chair he got up from and it was completely dry, so he did have the sensation, then get up and make it to the bathroom and get right next to the toilet before going...all good things!)

I feel very encouraged by this. Previously, Caden did not care at all if he was wet or poopy. He didn't seem to be anywhere near ready, but I had the feeling and went with it. If he would potty train, I would feel on top of the world. I've always joked that when Caden potty trains I'm going to take out a 1/2 page ad in the Town Crier (local paper) to congratulate him and let the world know! I have no idea what that costs, but I'm still thinking on it. :)

Spreading (out) a little Christmas cheer.

Christmas seems to come and go in the blink of an eye. This is the first year that we've had any child (Avery) actually be excited about Christmas and understand what's happening, understand that gifts are going to be opened and all of that. It's been fun to watch things through her eyes, but in typical 5 year old fashion she cannot WAIT to get to opening presents when she knows that might be an option. And truly, who are we kidding? We ALL like that part!

Christmas Day was spent with my parents and family. We had a good time, presents were opened, all that jazz. We came home to take a few obligatory pictures with everyone in their good clothes. That was NOT a good thing. Declan was MAD about it all (no nap) and ended up whacking Macey on the head a good 7 times in a row. That made me MAD and I brought him to his crib, then got MAD at James for trying to take too many pictures and setting up the $*^%& tripod when all I wanted was a quick snapshot of our lives. I guess he captured it, but it was total chaos and lots of pent up anger. Merry Christmas!!

I don't know what we were thinking, but we decided to haul the kids upstairs to see the Step 2 roller coaster we had set up the night before. That was a HUGE hit truly, with Avery absolutely loving it and Declan, still tired, tossing fits about it. Caden liked it too, but what he found was the Fisher Price bubble mower we had bought for Declan. Caden fell in love. He pushed that mower ALL around, sending bubbles up everywhere and just enjoying all the noise it made! We decided not to open the few gifts still under the tree for them and sent them to bed instead....where Avery didn't fall asleep until nearly 11pm due to all the excitement!

This morning we headed to James' parents to do Christmas with his family. We had a great time and spent the whole day over there. Then James headed home and I headed to Wal-Mart to check out some 50% off Christmas deals with my mom for an hour. She brought me home and then we had dinner...with Avery begging to open those presents still! God love her, she does NOT forget easily! So we compromised - after dinner we opened stockings (Target dollar spot and Dollar Tree items!). This seemed to appease her, but both Caden and Declan got Slinkys and apparently she wanted one as well. She never threw a fit, but was insistent that she hold one. She finally got to and now she and James are reading the Bible and doing prayers.

Tomorrow, we have promised, we will open the gifts under the tree upstairs. I hope it doesn't disappoint her! I'm sure it won't, she is quite easy to please really. We just feel it's best to spread these things out and not have a bunch of crabby children because they aren't sleeping due to so much excitement. Or perhaps we're shooting ourselves in the foot, because the anticipation of opening gifts is still lingering, causing them not to fall asleep!

Promise you won't tell our kids?

Because if you do, I will tell YOUR kids there is no Santa Claus.

Ok so over the course of the past few weeks I have discovered amazon.com. Now if you know me at all you know that finding something else to obsess about online is not exactly a good thing. Actually it's not a good thing at.all, but I have discovered it and thanks to amazon.com I have scored some AHHHHmazing deals. Most of my packages are due to arrive today and tomorrow. Not a great thing - our driveway is glare ice right now and tomorrow it's supposed to be even worse. But I will not freak out if the items don't make it in time - our kids don't know the difference yet! I just wanted to show you a few of the awesome deals I got for the kids. I signed up for a free trial of amazon Prime which means you get free 2day shipping on nearly all items - totally worth it for these last minute deals! Next year I think I'm going to just wait entirely until mid-Dec and do all my shopping from the laptop!

For Declan:

Melissa and Doug Large Knob Wooden Farm Puzzle 4.99 (retails for 19.99)

For Avery:

board game 4.99 (retails for 14.99)

For Caden:

Melissa and Doug magnetic 'Joey' dress up 4.98 (retails 12.99)

Macey and Madelyn:

Fisher Price Amazing Animals Sing-Along Mommy and Baby Elephant 5.99 (retails 14.99)

And then we splurged a little. With free shipping and some Christmas cash from great-grandparents, we got this for the kids:

Step 2 Up and Down Roller Coaster

We have the room upstairs, and it will be great for them to burn off some energy in these winter months. I know they're going to be so excited - Caden and Avery have played with it before at Menards and we had to drag them away from it.

Money's tight for us. I know this sounds like a commercial for amazon.com and basically it is, but I'm not getting reimbursed for it! I'm just so thankful that they had items at awesome prices so we could give our kids something for Christmas! They wouldn't have known the difference, and we know it's not about the presents anyway, but it's important to me that they got something with a bit of a "wow" factor. YAY!

The tummy bug strikes.

James started feeling queasy yesterday already. He stayed home from getting the groceries with my family to try to feel better before we left for Des Moines...unfortunately, it didn't work. We all decided we didn't want to go without James, so we postponed dinner.

I had to take Caden, Avery and Declan to get their second dose of H1N1 after the groceries. Things went pretty well, thanks to my brother and SIL going with us. We were getting ready to get coats on and Avery starts throwing up - and continues to throw up just standing there. UGH! Total mess, thank goodness I had Chris and Cathy there! We leave from there and head home...

It's at this point that I start feeling queasy. James throws up and then James and I spend a few hours in bed after the 3 little ones go down for nap (Caden helped himself to some yogurt, opened by some scissors, sigh) and I wake up from a snooze to run to the bathroom and throw up. Oh joy!

All the kids are in bed now. James is snoring on the couch. I'm feeling pretty tired so I think it's time to head off for bed. Here's praying we all feel loads better in the morning! Tomorrow night is the kids' Christmas program at church...we shall see how that goes!

We had THREE snow days!

Thanks for checking in with us and wondering if they were back yet, but nope, 3 full days off of school! Was not fun. However, when I had to wake Caden for school on Friday after having 3 days off, he said, "stay home mommy" - it was worth it to hear that much talking! Oh and last Saturday at Christmas program practice at church? All the kids were chatting and Caden was actually doing a decent job of attending, and he decided to put his finger to his lips, "shhhhhhhh"ush everyone, and say, "no talk"!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahaa!! It was hilarious.

So real quickly...Sunday I brought Macey and Madelyn in to urgent care. They weren't doing well with their colds and I was concerned. Sure enough, Madelyn had her first ear infection, her left ear. Macey didn't have an ear infection, but I found out that with twins they treat them both with antibiotics, "just in case". Fun! Remember how I told you twins were doubly expensive? Yup.

Avery finally had her Christmas program for preschool on Tuesday. It was supposed to be the 8th, but got pushed back to the 10th, and pushed back AGAIN to the 15th. It was very cute! She actually sang and did some actions this year, not without playing with her bracelet though, and staring at people behind her, and generally zoning out at times. I'm not sure what is up with her as far as that goes - she rattles off every line and every word here at home but it must be different up on stage.
Christmas activities start for us this weekend, going on Saturday with my family to buy groceries for the food shelf and then going out to eat to Spaghetti Works. Excited about that! M&M have been going to bed around 7:30, wide awake, and last night they made it all the way to 5:30 before waking!! It's usually 4 or so, but last night was great. They have been so down and out with bad colds that there really isn't that much new to report with them, other than they are VERY good babies and my initial prediction is that they are actually mirror image twins - a form of identical twins where they "mirror" each other. I've seen evidence in a few pictures where their mouths are turned down in opposite corners. And most obviously is their self-soothing technique, learned with no assistance from us - Macey sucks her LEFT pointer and middle fingers and Madelyn sucks her RIGHT pointer and middle fingers: identical, yet opposite. Fascinating.

It's a snow day!

They've been forecasting this one for a long time now. Supposedly, we are looking at upwards of 14 inches of snow, plus blowing making for blizzard conditions. So far, nothing is happening and they've canceled school. Which makes me happy on one hand - nothing is happening! Yet sad on the other - they've canceled school. You know I love Caden, I just love him more when he's away from me for scheduled periods of time, lol.

So we're watching Dora's Christmas Carol Adventure, which Avery previously shrieked about, saying it was scary, she didn't want to watch it, turn it off mommy! You get the picture. But I turned it on and recorded it the other day, and now she requests it incessantly. Sigh. I also have a little Macey who has a fever, and just now she took her whole bottle and promptly threw it up ALL over me. Score one for her! The twins are 5 months today, can't believe it!

I was supposed to see my dr today at 4pm for my post partum depression. Um, that's not going to happen. It's somewhat lessened now that I have them going to bed at a more decent hour (7:30-8pm) but I still don't feel like myself at all. Hopefully I can reschedule for when there isn't a blizzard. For now, James is out getting a bunch of groceries...mostly formula which we are too low on for my comfort with an impending snowstorm. Then he'll be home this afternoon and he's thinking tomorrow as well to ride this thing out. You should hear James though, he's always the cynic about these things. He is convinced we're going to just get an inch or two and it'll be over. While I don't love the snow, for once I'd like for him to be proved majorly wrong so I can say, "Ha! God told YOU!"

Thought you might enjoy this picture.

I never knew you could do so much fun stuff with Photobucket nowadays! Enjoy.