Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dear Dad,

Did you assume I'd worry? Did you worry that I would worry? Did it bother you that I would worry? I'm sure it did, as I know your heart. I know what you're doing. I understand. I am behind you 100%. I just can't be behind the WAY you're doing this. It's too hard. It's too painful for me - do you KNOW I have been saying the things you're saying? Do you know I get it, I want to help? But now I can't, or so I feel. What do you want me to do daddy? I'm your princess, your little girl, your only daughter. You are my first true knight in shining armor. I expect you to rescue me with your smile, your wit, the way you cherish my precious children, your love. Your hug on Christmas day stuck out to me. I didn't know then what you meant but I get it now and I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

I'm going to share a bit about what's been happening here. I can only pray that you will seek this blog out from your little corner of this big world. That you will use it to connect with us in some way. I'm sharing for your sake, and for the sake of those who are reading this with absolutely no idea of what is going on. I don't share for the sake of drama, lord knows we have enough, but I share to draw you in and to draw the body of Christ around our family.

Last night (Tuesday) around 6:15 mom called me to say that you weren't home yet. She was concerned, and you know that Jeff had already been calling you multiple times. You wouldn't answer your cell phone but we knew that it was on. By 7pm the concern was growing deeper - I was at home to put all 5 kids to bed alone, worried about you, while James was at church for practice. I got that accomplished and started feeling very worried. I tried to pray my fears away but it wasn't working. Chris and Cathy were keeping me informed - mom just filed a missing persons report on you (7:30 or so). By 8 I called James at rehearsal to tell him to come home so I could go be with mom at her house. When I arrived Amy VW was there and P. Art joined moments later. Honestly, I can't remember much of this time, but lots of phone calls were coming in and going out, we just had lots of questions without answers. Around 10pm Chris came over to your house. In typical guy fashion he couldn't handle just sitting around and waiting and wanted me to ride with him to take your usual route to work. So up we went, taking 2nd and all that. We drove the entire campus and agreed with campus police - your car was not there. Chris believed we should drive through the airport parking lot. At 12:39am we found your car. Chris braved checking inside of it and you were not in there, just your coat and some papers in the front seat, one of which had mom's name on the outside. Long story short, P. Art drove all the way up to the airport to meet us with your keys, at which point we read your prose (it was absolutely breathtaking, incidentally). I wasn't convinced you'd really gone, so we went inside and they checked all gates for us. You were really gone.

We drove home (we left your car there dad, and we know you have the other set of keys. I needed to leave your coat in there, too - it's supposed to be really cold the next couple of days) and Chris had to head home so Cathy could get to work. Mom read the letter to her and we talked about a lot of things. A lot of hard things but a lot...things that you know I have been working at already. The Pella PD called and we had your itinerary. New Zealand. Beautiful I am sure. I would love to visit there some day. But I can't believe you really went. All the way across the ocean to a different country. Wow. I'm speechless, and that just never happens.

I love you daddy. I feel like the little girl who is standing on the front steps, watching her daddy walk away as he grows ever smaller and smaller. She's squinting to try to keep him in her sights. Daddy! Come look what I've made! (caden, avery, declan, macey, madelyn) Don't go, daddy! I don't know how to heal your broken heart. I believe in you, and I cherish you, I want you to be happy. If this is what you need to be happy then please don't let my crying take you away from your happiness. Right now I have been awake for 36 solid hours. I have babies who need me, I have a mom who needs me, and right now all I need is YOU.

Will you please, PLEASE just call one of us, anyone, I don't care, just call and give us something. We need something from you, and not just a letter with no answers.

14 comments:

Manda said...

Holy smokes Tena, I cried when I read this. It's very emotional. I hope that your family hears SOMETHING from your dad and soon. I'm glad you know where he went & it sounds like you know why, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Manda said...

I hope that you start feeling better SOON . . I left that out of my other comment on accident!

MusicalMom said...

Oh my gosh!!!!! ((((HUGS)))) I'm praying for your family.

PrairieMom said...

Oh Tena...
I'm praying for your father's health and well-being both physically, spiritually, and mentally. Perhaps he will need a respite, a time away for a season.
Whatever transpires, I will pray that the LORD's will be done!
May the Lord hold you in His tender care at this very difficult, uncertain time.
PM me anytime...you are not alone.
Blessings,
A GF mama,
Reen~

Kelly said...

I hope and pray that you receive answers soon. I know this is so difficult for your family.

Kelly W.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Youre on my hear tgirl. This is big.

Myssie said...

Wow Tena! Your family is in my heart, I will be praying for you guys.

Anonymous said...

I hope he sees this and gets in touch with you, Tena. I would be crushed if my father did this as well.
Cindy

montegoodyk said...

Tena, your family is in our thoughts and prayers. I have not stopped thinking about you all since I found this out last night.

Michelle said...

wow, Tena. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now but know that your family is in my prayers and that God will give you guys peace with whatever the outcome is. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

Tena, I will be hoping for the best possible outcome for you and your family. I can't imagine how you are feeling- please try to remember to take good care of yourself, Patty

Anonymous said...

Tena, please know that many people are praying for you all. I certainly hope that you are able to sleep soon. I'm not sure exactly how to pray - peace is a biggie. I do know that our Lord knows better than any of us what needs to be done...lots of himself is needed. A wise woman (my Mom!) once said to me, "don't let Satan steal your joy". I trust that you will be able to look to HIM for answers...or at least trust HIM with the questions. I'm prayin' and will continue and continue. Much, much love, Julie Monn

angie said...

I'm praying for your family Tena. I hope that your dad returns home soon and you can all begin to heal.

Anonymous said...

Tena,

My thoughts and prayers are with you all during this difficult time. I am so sorry for the pain that I know you are feeling. Please trust in the Lord to help your Dad heal and come back to your family. If I can do anything...even if just lending an ear....I am here for you. (((HUGS)))

Angela
(GF)