Dear Dad,

Did you assume I'd worry? Did you worry that I would worry? Did it bother you that I would worry? I'm sure it did, as I know your heart. I know what you're doing. I understand. I am behind you 100%. I just can't be behind the WAY you're doing this. It's too hard. It's too painful for me - do you KNOW I have been saying the things you're saying? Do you know I get it, I want to help? But now I can't, or so I feel. What do you want me to do daddy? I'm your princess, your little girl, your only daughter. You are my first true knight in shining armor. I expect you to rescue me with your smile, your wit, the way you cherish my precious children, your love. Your hug on Christmas day stuck out to me. I didn't know then what you meant but I get it now and I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

I'm going to share a bit about what's been happening here. I can only pray that you will seek this blog out from your little corner of this big world. That you will use it to connect with us in some way. I'm sharing for your sake, and for the sake of those who are reading this with absolutely no idea of what is going on. I don't share for the sake of drama, lord knows we have enough, but I share to draw you in and to draw the body of Christ around our family.

Last night (Tuesday) around 6:15 mom called me to say that you weren't home yet. She was concerned, and you know that Jeff had already been calling you multiple times. You wouldn't answer your cell phone but we knew that it was on. By 7pm the concern was growing deeper - I was at home to put all 5 kids to bed alone, worried about you, while James was at church for practice. I got that accomplished and started feeling very worried. I tried to pray my fears away but it wasn't working. Chris and Cathy were keeping me informed - mom just filed a missing persons report on you (7:30 or so). By 8 I called James at rehearsal to tell him to come home so I could go be with mom at her house. When I arrived Amy VW was there and P. Art joined moments later. Honestly, I can't remember much of this time, but lots of phone calls were coming in and going out, we just had lots of questions without answers. Around 10pm Chris came over to your house. In typical guy fashion he couldn't handle just sitting around and waiting and wanted me to ride with him to take your usual route to work. So up we went, taking 2nd and all that. We drove the entire campus and agreed with campus police - your car was not there. Chris believed we should drive through the airport parking lot. At 12:39am we found your car. Chris braved checking inside of it and you were not in there, just your coat and some papers in the front seat, one of which had mom's name on the outside. Long story short, P. Art drove all the way up to the airport to meet us with your keys, at which point we read your prose (it was absolutely breathtaking, incidentally). I wasn't convinced you'd really gone, so we went inside and they checked all gates for us. You were really gone.

We drove home (we left your car there dad, and we know you have the other set of keys. I needed to leave your coat in there, too - it's supposed to be really cold the next couple of days) and Chris had to head home so Cathy could get to work. Mom read the letter to her and we talked about a lot of things. A lot of hard things but a lot...things that you know I have been working at already. The Pella PD called and we had your itinerary. New Zealand. Beautiful I am sure. I would love to visit there some day. But I can't believe you really went. All the way across the ocean to a different country. Wow. I'm speechless, and that just never happens.

I love you daddy. I feel like the little girl who is standing on the front steps, watching her daddy walk away as he grows ever smaller and smaller. She's squinting to try to keep him in her sights. Daddy! Come look what I've made! (caden, avery, declan, macey, madelyn) Don't go, daddy! I don't know how to heal your broken heart. I believe in you, and I cherish you, I want you to be happy. If this is what you need to be happy then please don't let my crying take you away from your happiness. Right now I have been awake for 36 solid hours. I have babies who need me, I have a mom who needs me, and right now all I need is YOU.

Will you please, PLEASE just call one of us, anyone, I don't care, just call and give us something. We need something from you, and not just a letter with no answers.