Sunday, March 17, 2013

Raw honesty...

This isn't going to be a pretty blog post.  It isn't going to be one that gives you a laugh and lets you walk away from the computer lighthearted.

This is honest.

I am depressed.  It is kicking my butt.  I thought all along I have been doing ok with it.  And I WAS...sorta.  I've dealt with depression since high school, and have dealt also with knowing I have bipolar since the early 2000s.  I've dealt with them and I have really found the right combo of meds which help me to function well and more importantly, to FEEL well.  But now, that is all being threatened.

I'm sure it's situational, and I give myself some credit there, but at the same time, it is so disappointing, scary and frustrating.  On one hand, I think I might be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have crazy "flashbacks" of the fire, my heart races, I can't breathe, I can't calm down, I can't function.  And again, that's understandable.  I'm seeking some help for it but then comes depression.  Depression is one of those silent things.  One of those things where you think you're doing ok.  You tell yourself you're doing ok for SO LONG that by the time you accept you're really struggling, you're past the point.

I'm sleeping.  All the time.  I fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day...with the kids.  I snap at my kids.  I cry over everything.  I usually cry when I look at my twins.  I see them, running, twirling, playing and I day, they won't be able to do that.  One day, they won't be able to do anything but sit in a wheelchair.  And my heart feels like it's so heavy over that it sits in my gut.  I find myself avoiding them.  I don't want to see how sweet and cute and funny they are because I fear one day that will all be gone and those memories will hurt too much.

I'm becoming angry about the fire.  Moreso than before.  I'm angry that we lost everything.  I'm angry that the subsequent house building is taking so long...and that is no one's problem but the weather!  I can rationalize all of it, but it still just angers me.  I'm so upset that it feels like we have NOTHING to look forward to.  I am truly feeling HOPEless.  Nothing's happening.  Nothing's moving forward.  I feel stuck.  Completely stuck. 

I don't want to do anything.  I barely want to go anywhere.  I just fake it.  Force myself.  Keep moving.  And that's something that lots of moms have to do, but I feel like I am moving underwater to get anything done.

I don't talk about it a lot.  I have barely shared this with ANYONE at this point.  I'm afraid of reactions.  I'm afraid that people will think I'm being a drama queen.  I'm afraid.  Of a lot.

Depression is something we just don't talk about in America.  And I think we need to.  Real people live with it every day...probably a lot of people that you know. 

I needed to get this out.  I'm deciding to trust a lot of you with it, if you'll take the time.  As I said, I am seeking help for it, the appointments just had to be changed and I am waiting on them.  Until then, I would love your prayers.