Sunday, March 17, 2013

Raw honesty...

This isn't going to be a pretty blog post.  It isn't going to be one that gives you a laugh and lets you walk away from the computer lighthearted.

This is honest.

I am depressed.  It is kicking my butt.  I thought all along I have been doing ok with it.  And I WAS...sorta.  I've dealt with depression since high school, and have dealt also with knowing I have bipolar since the early 2000s.  I've dealt with them and I have really found the right combo of meds which help me to function well and more importantly, to FEEL well.  But now, that is all being threatened.

I'm sure it's situational, and I give myself some credit there, but at the same time, it is so disappointing, scary and frustrating.  On one hand, I think I might be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have crazy "flashbacks" of the fire, my heart races, I can't breathe, I can't calm down, I can't function.  And again, that's understandable.  I'm seeking some help for it but then comes depression.  Depression is one of those silent things.  One of those things where you think you're doing ok.  You tell yourself you're doing ok for SO LONG that by the time you accept you're really struggling, you're past the point.

I'm sleeping.  All the time.  I fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day...with the kids.  I snap at my kids.  I cry over everything.  I usually cry when I look at my twins.  I see them, running, twirling, playing and I day, they won't be able to do that.  One day, they won't be able to do anything but sit in a wheelchair.  And my heart feels like it's so heavy over that it sits in my gut.  I find myself avoiding them.  I don't want to see how sweet and cute and funny they are because I fear one day that will all be gone and those memories will hurt too much.

I'm becoming angry about the fire.  Moreso than before.  I'm angry that we lost everything.  I'm angry that the subsequent house building is taking so long...and that is no one's problem but the weather!  I can rationalize all of it, but it still just angers me.  I'm so upset that it feels like we have NOTHING to look forward to.  I am truly feeling HOPEless.  Nothing's happening.  Nothing's moving forward.  I feel stuck.  Completely stuck. 

I don't want to do anything.  I barely want to go anywhere.  I just fake it.  Force myself.  Keep moving.  And that's something that lots of moms have to do, but I feel like I am moving underwater to get anything done.

I don't talk about it a lot.  I have barely shared this with ANYONE at this point.  I'm afraid of reactions.  I'm afraid that people will think I'm being a drama queen.  I'm afraid.  Of a lot.

Depression is something we just don't talk about in America.  And I think we need to.  Real people live with it every day...probably a lot of people that you know. 

I needed to get this out.  I'm deciding to trust a lot of you with it, if you'll take the time.  As I said, I am seeking help for it, the appointments just had to be changed and I am waiting on them.  Until then, I would love your prayers.


Anonymous said...

Aw honey, you've been through so much. I'm glad you're asking for support, you deserve it, and you're definitely in my prayers.

Unknown said...

So sorry you are going through this. Depression, bi-polar,the house, and especially the twins. You have valid reasons to be depressed, and you need to accept the help you need. THis is a medical issue, not a lack of emotional strength. My prayers will be with you, so you may remember how much you love your family, how much you love your children and how much God loves and understands you. Many drops of awesome to you for being the loving mother you truly are, and will be again.

Anonymous said...

Hello. I came across your blog from a friend's blog list and my heart is aching for you. I just want to let you know, you are not alone. I have struggled with anxiety issues since high school. Like you, most times I find it manageable and do fine. But there are dark times where it consumes me and I feel so helpless and hopeless that I will never be well again. There is hope. While my earthly body is damaged and hurting, I have a NEW body waiting for me in heaven that is whole and do you. All we can do is take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Sometimes we're living in those moments, sometimes we're just pushing through. I know how scared and angry you must feel too. I'll be praying for you sweet sister. You are not alone.

L. Martin said...

I read your post and cried. For you, for all you have gone through, for all you will go through. Remember you have lots of people who love you, pray for you, think of you; even if you don't know about it.
My Grandpa dealt with depression, it wasn't easy. I also dealt with it for a short time; I cannot imagine dealing with that along with everything that has happened in the past year (or so).
Keep your head up, take one day at a time. Try to find one positive thing each day.
As for the twins, celebrate everything ! Just like you did with your RTS sweetie. Don't morn the loss of what may never be. Celebrate what is!
Love, hugs and prayers from your RTS family in Michigan

Jana said...

I think you're right on about our society's attitude toward mental wellness. I think (and please, Pella natives, don't slay me!) that Pella can also be a pretty tough place to be struggling w/something like this. When I needed treatment for depression and other issues in high school and college, there was an attitude sort of like "oh, God should be able to fix that for you."

Mental illness is real. Depression is real. To treat it like a passing mood or an attitude problem is insulting and dangerous.

Are you talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist? I'm not sure what resources are like in town now, or what your insurance covers. But I think it is really important to be in a relationship with a professional who is aware of changes in your mental health. You deserve to receive the help and treatment you need to feel better.


Jana said...

Oh, durf. I just reread the last part of your post. Sorry you're having to wait for your appointments!!

Unknown said...

AS I reread your post and other's comments, there is one other thing I would recommend. Your body has been through some extra-ordinary stresses. Maybe you need some physical support. Vitamins can be very helpful at stressful times. In my own case, they are necessary for me to function, to deal with stress, to get out of bed.
The very best quality ones I have found in the last 20 years, are Nature Made. Their Multiple for Women is really good, and their B100 is a lifesaver for me. It enables me to deal calmly with the noise and confusion of children, to think clearly, to handle stress without over stressing myself. Please find some at RiteAid, Walgreens or other retailers. They are not expensive, and are often on sale buy one, get one. They really are the best on the market and at reasonable prices. Their website is also full of good advice and coupons.
Much love and care to you and your family.

stephanie said...

My husband suffers depression. You can read our story here:

It's a silent issue. It isn't largely talked about and I'm hoping that with a few blog posts people will begin to see it as well.

stephanie said...

I also wanted to say, thank you for being honest. It isn't easy doing this kind of thing. You sound like an amazing mom and I look forward to getting to know you better through previous posts!