Thursday, May 13, 2010

Amazing grief...

Today we got a sympathy card from the vet, signed by all of them. On the front was a poem that talks about not crying over her, etc, but the last line goes "I loved you so...'twas Heaven here with you" and I CANNOT.STOP.BAWLING over it. Oh, and they also took her paw, dipped it in ink and pressed it on the card as a keepsake, signing her name under it. O.M.G.

I honestly can't understand why I am such a wreck over this. I was doing much better until I got that card today and now I have been sobbing until I literally feel like I might throw up. I finally had to take the card and put it away so I wouldn't look at it anymore. Thank God my BFF Heather took Avery this afternoon so I just have the 3 littles and they are all sleeping...so mommy can go sob into her pillow.

I just didn't think this would be so hard. We talked about putting her to sleep for over a year now, and I was usually pretty jazzed about it in terms of not having to mop all her freakin' hair, no letting her out to pee, no mopping up her pee from incontinence. We're free to go on trips and go camping without dog stuff. All of that seemed great. But now it's reality and I'm not sure I like it. I miss her coming into the bathroom while I'm peeing, just to give me a kiss and get herself a mommy-scratch. I miss having to step over her while I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night. I miss her being underfoot while I'm working in the kitchen. I REALLY miss her cleaning up all the kid food messes.

I keep thinking that she is alone somewhere, cold, wondering where we are and if we are coming back to get her. I know for a fact (I called the vet, I had to know) that she is already cremated and gone. But I still want to call her name, to have her come running like she used to before her ears failed her. My heart literally HURTS.

I can't imagine losing a child. If I am this upset about a DOG, I just can't imagine losing a child.

Basically, if you got this far bless your heart. Writing is helpful for me, so I'm writing. I'm also going to include some very recent pictures of her. I took tonnnns of pictures after we decided she was going to be put to sleep...some are even from before that.

Here's Montana on Monday:




With all her "brothers and sisters" - the babies she welcomed home each time:




One of her favorite spots to lay - in our front bay window watching down the driveway:




Her other favorite spot was her bed by our back patio door:




She was a great pillow:





A true sport about peek-a-boo:




And was just always "one of the kids":




All my girls:




Montana and Macey:


6 comments:

megan vande voort said...

I'm soo sorry!

Myssie said...

tena, you poor thing. I am so sorry.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry too. It is so sad to me. Thinking of you today,

Michelle said...

What a thoughtful thing for the vet clinic to do! Really sweet. If you really think about it, losing your dog is *similar* to losing a loved one, like a child. You've had her a very long and it's normal to grieve over someone who's been such an important part of your life! My senior year of high school, we had to put down our gold retriever who we had since I was 3ish so I know what you're going through. Keep venting!

Christine said...

I couldn't agree more with Michelle. Your dog was one of your family members, you need to grieve it, talk about it and vent.... It's important and will help with the grieving process.
I am very sorry to hear about your dog, but you know she's with you in spirit and very aware of your love for her.

Tarah said...

Tena I know how you feel I am so sorry.