I've BEEN blogging...

Just not over here!  In case you missed out on the last several weeks of our life, here it is:  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/maceyandmadelynverhoef

Things are still not where they should be, but we're taking it day by day. 

It's been nearly two months...

since I've blogged. How sad! I love writing, it's therapeutic. I often write things I don't normally process on my own. It's like my version of talking out loud to myself (which, don't get me wrong, I do that as well) and I've been lacking.

Today was the first day of spring break. No major plans, which is just fine as far as our kids are concerned. We have had the half-baked idea that we would go camping all week. The campgrounds are free right now...but you have no services: bathrooms, electricity. We have both of those things in the camper, so we'd be set. But we chose not to. The weather? Totally cooperating, stunningly gorgeous. But still. Nope. Caden is desperate to go. All too soon the campgrounds will be fully open...

I've found that life is a lot easier when Avery is home from school. She plays with Declan (who is easily "bored" at home with mommy and the twins) and typically with Madelyn for large chunks of time. I mean, 4 solid hours today. They're just holed up in her bedroom doing lordknowswhat but Idon'tcare. It's awesome! And then Caden and Macey will play outside together which is OH so sweet. Caden runs around getting her bikes and toys and she just bosses. Caden is pretty good on his own as long as he has his guitar. If Fresh Beat Band happens to be on at the same time then he will jam out to that show with his guitar. And Macey...usually with me most of the time. "Help you, mommy?" "No, nothing right now baby." "Ok. What dis mommy?" and so on.

Life is trucking along!

Happy birthday sweet Declan!

Yes, our little big boy turned 4 today. We had a low-key, but good day. Declan was in fairly good spirits as far as he goes. I think I only had to threaten a swat twice. Pretty decent!! All he could express he wanted was cake, so he had cake for supper. Oh, and ice cream. Well balanced, I'd say!

And I'm just documenting here...it's been 2 nights in a row that we haven't given Avery melatonin before bed. So far, so good...

Apparently, it's broke.

You know how I said earlier we like the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" rule? Well it appears to have broken sometime this week. Last night we had Avery AND Declan in our bed - Avery complaining of acute tummy pain and Declan following her to our room from his bed where they had been sleeping. Then not 30 minutes later Caden came down and had to secure a spot on our bedroom floor. So when James left for work I had the 3 big kids in our room. And of course they were sleeping soundly when it was time to get up and get ready for school.

I'm thinking we need to go in reverse. I'm thinking the big kids need to be back in cribs.

Sleeping arrangements...

We have always adhered to the rule: "If it isn't broke, don't fix it." This has been especially true in terms of where our children sleep.

Caden is sort of our wild card because he has stayed so much younger than most children due to his special needs. Caden was in a modified crib/gate crib (yes we rigged something straight into the walls around a mattress on the floor, looked horrid but it worked!) until he was almost 8 if memory serves me correctly. He had been sharing a room with Declan (who was also in a crib) so we needed to keep them separated. When Caden moved upstairs into his new bedroom he went into a twin bed and has done amazing.

Take Avery. She was still in a crib until she was over 4 years old. No, there's nothing about her that "warrants" that but she was sharing a room with Caden at the time and they were both in cribs so it worked. They were sleeping, we were sleeping. It was bliss. She went straight to a full bed and has done amazing.

Then there's Declan. You may have heard me talk about him before (LOL). Declan so far was our earliest to move out of a crib at just a few months over 3 years old, but sleeping has always been a bit of a power struggle for him. Avery and Declan really enjoy sleeping in the same bed, so we have allowed that on weekends. When Avery was off school for Christmas break we allowed it every night and guess who cannot change out of that mode? We have found Declan sleeping outside our bedroom door for the past 2 nights now. For what it's worth, right outside our bedroom door is concrete flooring. He's either desperate or quite ridiculous, but I am not allowed to be the judge and jury on that one.

So I talked with James about it (and a good friend, thanks Val!) and we agreed - why do we have to conform to what "everyone" says about where/how kids should sleep? Why can't we continue to do what we have been doing which is listen to what our kids want/need and adapt to fit our family's life? So it's a school night tonight and Declan is tucked cozily into Avery's bed. They're both sleeping and were out very quickly. They KNOW the rule is: you horse around, the sleepover ends. And they are very good about it! We plan to keep this going as long as they both want to do it. I PRAY that Declan's ready to quit before Avery is. Otherwise, does anyone have an air mattress he can lug about the house after midnight??

Theater success

So the last thing I wrote was not exactly upbeat (but thank you again for the support). In my praying I have decided that I need to view Caden in new and different ways. I need to assume he'll rise to the occasion and not just assume things won't go well.

I put myself to the test Thursday night. I wanted to do the typical "fun mom" stuff with my 3 oldest kids. I decided I was going to take them (on my own) to the new Chipmunks movie in the theater. Two of them had never been to the theater, and the one who had been didn't like the movie she saw several years prior. I did the whole thing up, popcorn, drinks, yep. We got into our row and I was helping everyone get their seats down and get seated (those seats do not stay down when you weigh less than 50 pounds apparently) and sir Caden dropped his entire thing of popcorn to the ground. I shared some of mine with him - crisis #1 averted. We were all settled in...they didn't understand that the previews WEREN'T the movie and spent a great deal of time asking me WHY I'd taken them to THIS and WHERE was Alvin the Chipmunk? The movie started and all.3.kids.did.amazing. Caden stayed seated. Caden laughed at completely appropriate times (actually he cracked up rather hilariously at a few places and made the guy next to us chuckle more - Caden loves parts where people get hurt. Methinks The Three Stooges should be next?). Caden used a whisper voice to ask questions. Caden noticed character's emotions on the screen and asked me about them. CADEN DID AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was just so fun to do something with my "big kids" and to really, really enjoy it. I wish we could go every week!!

It's nut(thing)...

We got a tv tray for our bed as a wedding gift 13.5 years ago. It has NEVER been used but was used for the first time today...James made the sacrifice to keep our family at a family of 7 this morning and needed that tray across his lap to spare his life with 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed with him! Heal quickly my sweet James - you are my hero!!

Declan protests...

Declan will be 4 in January. He is a homebody through and through. He is my most strong-willed child. If anyone is going to cause my blood pressure to rise it is him. I don't know how to describe him other than once he decides he is not doing something, he.is.NOT. Not now, not ever. You can't coax or bribe. He's just DONE. I used to teach preschool and my degree is in early childhood education, but this child doesn't seem to be impressed by that. LOL!

I'm posting this today because Tuesdays are our Bible study days at church. Sometimes Declan goes right in to his Story Hour (an hour of Bible lesson for 3-4 year olds) time and other times, like today...nada. He balked at the door. I finally picked him up and walked in with him, but ultimately left him curled up in the corner of the room with his head buried into the floor repeating this grunting "no" sound. He wasn't screaming, wasn't flailing about. I thought he would come around (his cousin usually comes, but didn't come today) but then I found out that the little ones were going to be walking to each adult classroom to carol for us and hand out candies. Yeah. Um. We *tried* one rehearsal for the Christmas program at our church and it was a complete and utter failure. We didn't even bring him to church the night of the program. 100% not happening. So today the group came walking toward our room and Declan was in the back being carried by one of the teachers...and he was sobbing. Just heartbroken. I got up and went to him and took him in to be with me. He sat with me on his own chair in the Bible study, good as gold for the entire hour. Quiet, appropriate, adorable. But like I said, this is hit or miss. If his cousin comes he loves it.

It's the same on Sunday mornings for children's church. The kids go out during the first few minutes of the service while the adults are singing. I ALWAYS have to walk with him, but I also have to remain with him the entire time or he will not stay. It will be a sobbing mess if I try to leave...and it isn't that he's so traumatized, it's that he's got his mind set up and about it and that's that in his mind. Know how I know this? One week a few months ago he sat with my parents - mommy and daddy were not at church. When it was time for the kids to go out to the classroom my dad walked him about 10 feet to meet the group and then off he went...and stayed in there the entire time with no issues. But every time if it's us with him - he won't go without me staying (which I do).

Interestingly enough, we also belong to a local gym with childcare. Declan loves to go there. No problems with me leaving him (his twin sisters do stay with him there, maybe just the security he needs?). He especially loves it when he gets to play on the giant slides and indoor climbers. I have not had one single time when he has an issue with me leaving. Ever.

He is going to start preschool 3 mornings a week in Sept. Can I assume this will get better? I truthfully don't know what I'm doing wrong - I am open to any and all suggestions!! He makes me want to completely avoid anything at church, which I know is not the answer, either. Do you think he sees this as winning and losing like I'm making it in my mind, a power struggle to be fought? Or do you think this is just a stage and will pass?

He's strong-willed, yes, but he is GOOD for me 99% of the time. He's typical boy, he's naughty but I want him to be when it's appropriate. I'd worry if he wasn't. I can take him to the store, I can tell him no to things without him flying off the handle (which hasn't always been the case, but he's matured a bit). I just wish this one issue wasn't such a big one!

One of those tough issues...

Caden has been complaining of back pain for over a week now. We know that when he complains we need to take action - he has a very high pain tolerance. I got him an appointment and we went this morning.

Before the appointment I had done lots of thinking. The one thought that kept coming back to me was, "I don't know the last time he's had a really good BM." I asked his teachers to let me know what they've charted and they said it was Nov 15 at school. I thought it had been longer than that at home but he's potty trained and typically takes care of it himself except for the wiping, and I have wiped him several times when he's come to me. However, I also know Caden has a "habit" of skidding his underwear with poop so figured it might have just been a smear of poop when I wiped...I wasn't sure.

Started chatting with the doctor and he said, "Tena, he's got classic encopresis." Now, I have heard about this and several kids with RTS have it, but I took it to mean it was constipation and Caden DOES poop, just not a LOT at one time. I figured since he was going SOME we were in the clear - he wasn't constipated. I was wrong. He did an exam and everything and Caden will pass it, but we have got to get him fully cleaned out with laxatives/suppositories and then start helping him learn how to deal with the encopresis.

Here's where I feel awful. I mean, I have sobbed about it awful. Our dr told me that "he can't help it, it's involuntary". I have punished Caden for it. I have gotten angry, I have raised my voice, I have told him I was unhappy with him. This has been going on for MONTHS if not closer to a year or more. I have been unkind to him because of something he cannot control. I just can't get past how terrible I feel about that. Caden is a sweet boy - he does not begrudge me my behavior, but I believe it may be making it worse (he's now afraid to go at all because mommy gets mad). My heart feels so heavy. I long for a little boy who can tell me, "Mom, I can't HELP it, it just comes out before I even know what's happening!!" but he cannot do that. I don't wish for him to be different, I just wish the whole situation were different in this moment.

Thank you for letting me get it out. I'm trying to let go of it. It's going to take some time.

Comparison steals our joy

Yesterday I came to an astounding realization. A realization I posted on Facebook:

there comes a time in your life, sometimes all at once, where you realize if you spend your time being envious of the stages other families are at, you completely skip the precious stage you're currently living (enduring?). Vowing from this moment to live in our stage...and embrace the beautiful chaos it evokes.

Um, yes. A wise friend there shared this quote with me:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Ummmm, yes. Isn't that so true??? Think about all the times when you thought "life is good" and then 2 minutes later you hear about something someone else has and you're wishing you had it, too. You've completely lost the "life is good" idea and gone straight for, "I want more out of this life. Other people have MORE, I want it, too."

I am CLASSIC for doing this. It's something I spend a great amount of time in prayer about. I think it's a tool the devil uses to pull us away from all the beautiful things God has given us and our thankfulness about those things...and to pull us toward negativity, bitterness and resentment. Who wants to live like that? Who would sign up for that? None of us, and yet we gravitate toward it daily, sometimes even minute-ly (I made it up, go with it).

So yesterday I made the decision to stop doing that. And yes, it's a process. And no, it won't happen overnight. And yes, I will have to make the decision time and time again. But I can do this. It's about my attitude. It's about being able to say, "I can't get to the gym more than once a week because my kids are little." and not seething inside because others can go whenever they want. There is absolutely no need to be pissy about silly stuff like that. I am thankful for my kids who need me, even though they NEEEEEEEEED me with more urgency than I can tolerate some days. I am blessed to be able to be home with them and snuggle them when they're sick (which they have been this week).

Really, it boils down to realizing that you can embrace the stage your family is in without giving up any joy. In fact, I think embracing that leads to greater joy indeed! I've always said it's when we compare ourselves to others we don't allow ourselves to feel deep emotions (so and so has it worse than me, I'll shut up); and when we compare ourselves to others we don't allow God to bless our socks off in the moment.

So today I've been watching for little moments and enjoying them. I hauled in a lighted snowman that's taller than the twins (doesn't take much) and plugged it in near the kitchen. Macey, the twin who always covers her eyes (LOL) when something might scare her (like any sort of animated toy at Walmart) hid in the laundry room but Maddy was right there to see. And within a few minutes, my girls had pure JOY over this little fellow! They were chatting it up with him, "Hi no-man!!" and I felt honored to be a part of it. I was glad that I was nowhere else and I wanted to be no one else other than the mommy of these 2 beauties. Not gonna give up any more of these moments.

Parenting Rule #49567

Do not, under any circumstances, think it's ok to let your 7yo (plauged with generalized anxiety) watch the movie "Soul Surfer". I had watched it previously, and really didn't think the shark biting the girl's arm off was that scary. I loved the story line, loved the fact that it had a Christian message complete with Christian music, loved the story of triumph and hard work. I really thought it would be a good family movie for us to watch together.

It's 9:13 and Avery is still awake. She just chatted with James from the stairway. I asked him what the problem was and he summed it up in one word: "movie". Grrrrrreat.

Happy holiday!

Why is it that we think we must jam-pack holidays with stuff? Today has been spent doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING so far...and James and I are feeling like we're not getting anything accomplished. That should be a good thing, right? We're trying to just enjoy the time with our kids (and the ahhhhhhhhhhhmazing weather to boot) but it's hard when you know there's projects that need finishing up.

After lunch my awesome father-in-law will be coming over to help us tackle our pack porch project. It's more of a covered cement slab with a few plants and our hottub on it, but it needs some painting and a post covered to look nicer and some finishing touches like that. It will be great to have done, I'm excited! We also bought a ceiling fan/light for outdoors that will go there that I cannot WAIT to have put up!

I have a few other little projects I'm working on, but there will be time. I just get so caught up in the fall frenzy! Forget spring cleaning, I am all about fall projects!

Some facebook sharing

You know, just in case you think you want to be on Facebook but can't quite make yourself. There are some funny things happening over there! Ok, so mostly it's because I am nosey and want to know what's going on in everyone's lives.

I shared this tonight on Facebook (shorter on FB than here):
Tonight Macey took her diaper off and was walking around the living room, patting her bum and shouting, "NAKED! Naked butt!" I really couldn't be much prouder, honestly. But it's all about the fact that she was walking!

They walk more often than not anymore, and I absolutely love it. Madelyn is still a stronger walker, but they're pretty confident. They still love to reach out and grab your finger (or an older sib) to walk more confidently, but they're doing it.

So cute

So yes, the twins are now officially walking. I say "officially" because I announced it on Facebook, thereby making it "Facebook official" and that is big. Madelyn is still out-walking Macey, but Macey only just started taking steps last week and went straight to full walking, so that doesn't surprise us. We made them walk hand-in-hand one night and that was all it took for Macey to realize she was more confident than she first thought!

In other cuteness, Madelyn now says "yeah" when you ask her things. For example, just now I said to her, "Do you have a blankie?" and she replied, "yeah" - precious!

A week out from surgery...

and I am amazed at how well it went. I didn't do so great with the anesthesia part. They gave me a lot of anti-nausea stuff while I was still out, but I wonder if that actually made me more dizzy and yuck feeling. It took about 24-48 hours to recoup from that.

The pain has been quite minimal. I am surprised, however, at how often my kids whack me in the chest. That becomes PAINFULLY obvious once you cannot have them touching you there!

We're gearing up for school to start! I simply cannot wait. Caden will be entering 2nd grade and Avery 1st grade. We'll meet the teachers on Friday and school starts for both of them on Monday!

"Peanut butter starts with J"

This was Caden's proclamation while helping me put groceries away last night. I was initially extremely proud of him for all the connections, but I did have to explain a bit to him about brands and marketing. "Mommy chooses from all the peanut butters, and mommy chooses JIF [y'know, cuz choosy moms choose JIF]. And yes, JIF starts with J." After I asked him what Ppppeanut butter actually does start with, he told me "P!" He amazes me so often.

Breast specialist, she is!

I have to say, she knows her way around a boob. James wondered if he could go back to school to do that. Heather says it's probably too obvious - school wouldn't let him in. I have to agree with Heather on this one.

So yeah, I had my appointment with the doctor today. Honestly, we don't know much more. Well, that's not entirely true. We know it (the mass) is coming out. We know that's going to happen on August 8 at 11am in Des Moines. What we don't know is if it's completely benign or not. It sure appears to be, and the doctor felt pretty confident about that today. But sometimes, pathology can find something else. And that is where I'm praying the fear away. I can call to find out pathology results on Aug 11 after 1:30pm. Do not attempt to call me or speak to me at 1:30 and 01seconds.

My mom came with me. Glad to have her there because they asked a whole lot of questions about grandparents and family members, many of which I did not have the answers to. And glad to have her there because sometimes, a girl just needs her mom.

Thank you for supporting us! And thank you for supporting my boobs. I know, I just, in one measly second, made you feel as if you were a bra. But I really do mean it. Thanks!

My turn for medical

Normally I spend my time planning my kids' next doctor visits, from well-child appointments to a tonsillectomy for Avery coming up in 2 weeks. I'm pretty good at keeping track of all that, and used to worrying about this, that and everything.

It's now my turn to worry...about myself.

On Thursday I went for my routine physical. Now I want to be upfront and let you know that it's been over 2 years since I have gone, and in that same time span I have lost the equivolent of a 2nd grader in terms of weight. At the breast exam part my doctor paused. Then came the question, "Have you always had this?" Uhh, apparently not, because I have no idea what you're talking about. But I felt it myself - big, BIG lump there.

Then begins the dance with medical imaging at the hospital. I finally get scheduled for Wed (today) in the morning. So I had 5 days to obsess and "pinch my boob" as Avery kept asking me why in the world I was doing that.

Heather came to watch my kids and to the hospital I went. While I was waiting in the Women's Imaging Center this guy walks in. This guy is my husband. He got off work to come be with me!!!! And then he got kicked out, because men can't be in the Women's Imaging Center...but it was really stinking sweet. Then came the mammogram. People, it does NOT hurt. All the horror stories, all the reasons I was nearly pooping myself, all for naught. It doesn't hurt. Does it feel like a tickle? Sheeeeeeeeeeetno, but come on, you knew it wouldn't be comfy. After that I went to the ultrasound, where James was allowed. Incidentally it was the same ultrasound room where I was when I was shocked to learn we were having twins! Good times.

The important doctor came in then and gave us the news. I have a very rare thing called a hamartoma. Apparently it's an encapsulated growth of junk - I dunno what's all in there but it's fat and tissue and more fat and more breast tissue. I've likely had it all my life and it just grew as my boobs grew. It grew lots though. He said it's the size of an ostrich egg. I looked that up. It's 7inx5in. Holy..... He made sure to tell us that it wasn't cancer. And he made sure to tell us that it was very rare. Multiple times. Which doesn't surprise us in the least. That's just how James and I roll!

On my way home my family doctor called. He was more honest with me, which I love. He said it CAN be cancer, but we won't be totally sure until I see a breast specialist, which is scheduled for a week from today. It will likely need to come out, which could make for a rather pancakey shaped boob on the left side. I mean get real, removing something the size of an ostrich egg from a breast would pretty much leave...nothing. I couldn't tell you how I feel about this, other than I've always called my boobs "rocks in socks" because they hang so low, so maybe I'll end up getting perkies with insurance paying for it all! Always a silver lining, friends.

I'm scared. I have to be honest. I don't want to have cancer. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have surgery. But I'm trusting and praying and leaning on supportive family and friends. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Amen!

Yep, it's us

Tonight it was our turn for bedtime on our own again (aka, no Heather). Declan did fine at first and after about 15 minutes the screaming began. I had him talk to Heather on the phone, but that didn't work either. The screaming lasted for (only) 30 minutes, so I'd say it's a real success. Here's to hoping we're on our way to scream-free bedtimes!

Pretty sure it's us (the parents)

So after the 2.5 hour screaming fit on Tuesday night we came to Wednesday. Declan woke up in a very good mood (normally he wakes up screaming, but Wed morning he did not) and we went about our day. Our friends came over for supper and Heather blessed me by giving all 3 of my little kids a bath and putting them to bed for me...have I mentioned I adore her? Well wouldn't you know it, she put Declan to bed, laid down the law (he was thinking of crying) and that boy didn't make a peep. No crying, no screaming, no chaos, just right to sleep and out for the night.

Guess what? The problem lies with Declan's parents. I think we knew that already, but it's always good to get reinforcement. LOL!