Caden has been complaining of back pain for over a week now. We know that when he complains we need to take action - he has a very high pain tolerance. I got him an appointment and we went this morning.
Before the appointment I had done lots of thinking. The one thought that kept coming back to me was, "I don't know the last time he's had a really good BM." I asked his teachers to let me know what they've charted and they said it was Nov 15 at school. I thought it had been longer than that at home but he's potty trained and typically takes care of it himself except for the wiping, and I have wiped him several times when he's come to me. However, I also know Caden has a "habit" of skidding his underwear with poop so figured it might have just been a smear of poop when I wiped...I wasn't sure.
Started chatting with the doctor and he said, "Tena, he's got classic encopresis." Now, I have heard about this and several kids with RTS have it, but I took it to mean it was constipation and Caden DOES poop, just not a LOT at one time. I figured since he was going SOME we were in the clear - he wasn't constipated. I was wrong. He did an exam and everything and Caden will pass it, but we have got to get him fully cleaned out with laxatives/suppositories and then start helping him learn how to deal with the encopresis.
Here's where I feel awful. I mean, I have sobbed about it awful. Our dr told me that "he can't help it, it's involuntary". I have punished Caden for it. I have gotten angry, I have raised my voice, I have told him I was unhappy with him. This has been going on for MONTHS if not closer to a year or more. I have been unkind to him because of something he cannot control. I just can't get past how terrible I feel about that. Caden is a sweet boy - he does not begrudge me my behavior, but I believe it may be making it worse (he's now afraid to go at all because mommy gets mad). My heart feels so heavy. I long for a little boy who can tell me, "Mom, I can't HELP it, it just comes out before I even know what's happening!!" but he cannot do that. I don't wish for him to be different, I just wish the whole situation were different in this moment.
Thank you for letting me get it out. I'm trying to let go of it. It's going to take some time.