So this is how it's going to be?

As you know, today was James' first day. And the bad part about that 1 hour drive (each way) is that it happened on a Wednesday and James has to be at church by 7pm which means we haven't talked hardly AT ALL about how things went. All I do know is that James wore the WRONG shoes and I guess his fashion coordinator (me) is going to have to let him know that you don't wear work boots with nice jeans and a collared polo. I mean seriously, is that so difficult to understand? Sorry, I'm punchy today.

In fabulous news, our Cabela's lounge chairs arrived today! Love them. We got the black ones because they were on sale, AND I had mega Cabelas.com gift cards from our Discover cash-back accounts, yippee!!


Macey and Madelyn had their follow ups after being discharged from the hospital. They are 100% healthy! Glad to hear it.

I'm super struggling with wanting FOOD lately. And I think a large part of that is that my bestie is going to be gone until late Monday so I feel like I have to "make up" for her not being around....replacing one comfort with another. So I'm trying hard to remember that I can't feed my emotions, that I have to feel them and deal with them and be strong in spite of them. But I really want chocolate cake right now (I made some awesome cake to celebrate James' "last day" yesterday). I'm off to crack open a Diet Mt Dew caffeine free instead.

Tomorrow marks a new beginning for our family.

I have been hesitant to say anything here about James job and how unhappy he's been. I know there are people who read this who also work where he does and are family members of people who work there. I have nothing but good things to say about the PEOPLE that James has worked for and with for the past 12 years and 4 months. They are truly God-fearing, wonderful people.

The problem has been that James has been unhappy at his job. And he's been unhappy for years. Way too long, but it seems we kept getting pregnant or had a big ol house addition going on and the timing just wasn't quite right. We got to a point though, where the toll it was taking on James (depression, and I swear his illness earlier this year was in part due to his being so down) and ultimately on our entire family just wasn't worth it. So James has been applying. And the economy isn't great. But last week he got HIRED! And tomorrow he starts his new job!

James will be working (part-time at 29hrs/wk) at The Scooter Store. He will be the guy who brings the motorized chairs to people with limited mobility (do you like how I'm using all the appropriate buzz words already??) in their homes, teaches them how to use them and also fixes/troubleshoots issues. After having been working in a troubleshooting type job for so long, plus being a service technician in people's homes, this feels very natural to James. He is excited. He is becoming the James I used to know - fun-loving, animated, full of life and not so exhausted and weary. Hopefully this is just the beginning of better things to come!

So yeah, it's only part time, and his current employer has been kind enough to let him stay on in part time capacity there as well (until he finds something else or they find a full-time replacement for him). And there are other downsides...we will be leaving AHHHHHHHHHHHmazing medical benefits (100% coverage, I kid you not) and going to COBRA type coverage. We're not used to paying for our coverage but I guess we've been spoiled long enough. There's also a 1+hour commute for James to get to work, and he has to be there by 7am. Right now, he has a company vehicle that he drives and it's a 4 minute commute. We went in with eyes wide open, and we believe that God will make a way. It's imperative that James find his happiness again, and we're praying this is one (huge) step in the right direction!

Pushing back that bedtime.

Trying to put hyper kids down at 7pm during the summer when it's fully light outside and the fun has only just begun (in their minds) is just not a fun task. Add to that the fact that they horse around for a full hour after they are put to bed and you have some cranky parents. Tonight we went for a drive to go see the flooding and to get some ice cream. We told them that bedtime was going to be later. This means nothing to them as they cannot tell time - which I am NOT complaining about!! Declan actually complained when we said "bedtime is going to be later"...all he heard was that bedtime word. Mmmm hmmm.

So we did bedtime for Macey and Madelyn at 7:30 or so (our drive had us out later than usual) and then tackled the big kids. It was good. We had absolutely no horsing around in beds and cribs after they were put into bed! This is a first. Usually to get that result we have to force them to run 200000 laps around the house before bed. Going to bed just one hour later sure is easier!

Now. We'll see how morning goes. Our kids tend to be the kinds of kids who wake up by 7:30 no matter WHEN they fell asleep. I'm hoping that the 8pm bedtime will sort of diminish that. Hoping.

And we're home!

That is all. Hallelujah!

Guess what???

Macey is now in the hospital as well. They get to share a room, how sweet! (There is sarcasm dripping off my voice.) We are PRAYING they both get to come home tomorrow. Madelyn is doing tons better and Macey wasn't quite as sick to begin with.

A baby with pneumonia

Yes, one of ours. All 5 of our kids have had coughs and colds for a week or more, some worse than others. Madelyn just kept getting progressively worse and this morning I finally took her in to the ER. She has pneumonia, poor baby! She's doing pretty good, but needs an IV for her ear infection and to cover all bases on the pneumonia. She also needs oxygen so she's got that going on as well. I really thought we were done with the sickness - good grief, we're just a few days shy of summer! Keep her in your thoughts and prayers!

Soooooooo, weight loss.

Yep, I started chattering about it in January. On the 4th of Jan I joined weight watchers with my BFF Heather. It was slow going, too slow for me....aaaaaaaaaaaaand, I wasn't that serious about it if I'm being perfectly honest. I mean I TRIED, but my give-a-dam was busted. I lost maybe 14 pounds from Jan-May, to which you may be saying, "That's GREAT!" but the truth is when you have over 100 pounds to lose (as I do, to even get into my healthy weight range for my shortness) you should be losing a bit faster than that. Jillian Michaels would agree.

In May I decided it was ridiculous to spend money to not care. Interestingly enough, that is when I began to care. And I want to lose weight now, I really do. I am tired of hating on myself when I see a picture of me...and yes, I know that goes beyond the outward appearance but I just look freakin' fat. People say to me, "But you've had 5 babies!" and this is true, but I don't want to be fat anymore. There's no reason I have to be. *I* am the one keeping myself here. Me and my big old fear of failure. I've told myself for YEARS that I can't be "small", I can't get there, that's for the "pretty girls". Ridiculous! I am a pretty girl! Fat doesn't change that, it just hides it. So I'm ready to let the hiding game end. I'm ready to see what I'd look like at 225 pounds, at 200 pounds, then at 175, then at 150, then ....

For today, a couple of successes. First, I walked up and down our driveway 12 times (10 times = 1 mile), running up(hill) the last time! (I also did up and down 16 times yesterday, running up the last time, but the twins weren't having it today.) If you think you can't exercise, get creative. I don't want to exercise after James gets home because I want to veg and be with him, but I also don't want to do it during my "free time" (naptime), so I do lunch, get everyone outside in strollers, on bikes, etc. and start huffing it! Yes, I am red-faced and nearly dying at the end, but then I can put the 3 little ones down for nap, take my shower and I can relax for the rest of the day. (I know a lot of you would suggest getting up 20-30 minutes early and doing this before everyone's out of bed, but then you would not really know me that well.) I also hit a low weight for me, a number I haven't seen for at least 9 months when I dropped down "low" after the twins were born - I was at 243.6 today! I'm happy with that! I started out my pregnancy with the twins at over 250 so this is excellent.

(Yes, I am that transparent about the numbers. Who honestly cares what the number on the scale says, right? It's not like you can't see that I'm heavy. This just takes the guesswork out of it for you - I know as well as you do that we're all dying to ask people just how much they weigh, LOL!)

I feel great. I feel like I am finally taking care of myself and the other things in life are falling into place. I have supper in the crockpot for tonight already. I made a great meal last night and we enjoyed it as a family. This is a big success for me - meal planning and execution is just about my greatest domestic weakness, so it feels great to be on top of it!

I look forward to sharing this journey with you. This is hard work, but I am so worth it!!

The first (of many) questions.

It's the first day of summer vacation for Caden. We're all sitting in the living room together, Caden next to me being his usual self - a bunch of noise, no real words, just "chatty". Avery (nearly 6) is across the room and she said to me, "Mommy, why is Caden 7 and he doesn't know how to do anything yet?" I asked her what she meant and pointed out the things he can do...she said, "But he can't really DO things!" I told her he isn't a like a big kid like she is...and that's what she meant. I explained that Caden was special, that God made him special. I could tell that didn't really resonate with her because we tell ALL of our kids that God made them special. So then I told her that Caden was called special needs - he needs help doing the things that the rest of us learn to do on our own. THAT seemed to do the trick. I then told her that was why Caden goes to a different school than she does because the people there know him, love him and are helping him to learn things. The only thing she wants to know is when she can go to CADEN'S Kindergarten! (Caden goes to the public school and Avery will be going to the Christian school.) I told her she wouldn't be. And that was the end of the conversation!

I've always found it interesting that Avery doesn't seem to question how and why Caden is different. I just assumed she didn't notice. I think she does, but it really doesn't matter to her that much. Our hope as parents has always been that our other kids are fully embracing of those with differences. It starts with small questions, I guess!

Macey and Madelyn at 10 months!

http://www.photoreflect.com/store/ThumbAccess.aspx?e=6706670

password: twins

Enjoy them!! Macey is on the left, wearing pink. Madelyn is on the right, wearing white (or purple).

Amazing grief...

Today we got a sympathy card from the vet, signed by all of them. On the front was a poem that talks about not crying over her, etc, but the last line goes "I loved you so...'twas Heaven here with you" and I CANNOT.STOP.BAWLING over it. Oh, and they also took her paw, dipped it in ink and pressed it on the card as a keepsake, signing her name under it. O.M.G.

I honestly can't understand why I am such a wreck over this. I was doing much better until I got that card today and now I have been sobbing until I literally feel like I might throw up. I finally had to take the card and put it away so I wouldn't look at it anymore. Thank God my BFF Heather took Avery this afternoon so I just have the 3 littles and they are all sleeping...so mommy can go sob into her pillow.

I just didn't think this would be so hard. We talked about putting her to sleep for over a year now, and I was usually pretty jazzed about it in terms of not having to mop all her freakin' hair, no letting her out to pee, no mopping up her pee from incontinence. We're free to go on trips and go camping without dog stuff. All of that seemed great. But now it's reality and I'm not sure I like it. I miss her coming into the bathroom while I'm peeing, just to give me a kiss and get herself a mommy-scratch. I miss having to step over her while I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night. I miss her being underfoot while I'm working in the kitchen. I REALLY miss her cleaning up all the kid food messes.

I keep thinking that she is alone somewhere, cold, wondering where we are and if we are coming back to get her. I know for a fact (I called the vet, I had to know) that she is already cremated and gone. But I still want to call her name, to have her come running like she used to before her ears failed her. My heart literally HURTS.

I can't imagine losing a child. If I am this upset about a DOG, I just can't imagine losing a child.

Basically, if you got this far bless your heart. Writing is helpful for me, so I'm writing. I'm also going to include some very recent pictures of her. I took tonnnns of pictures after we decided she was going to be put to sleep...some are even from before that.

Here's Montana on Monday:


With all her "brothers and sisters" - the babies she welcomed home each time:


One of her favorite spots to lay - in our front bay window watching down the driveway:


Her other favorite spot was her bed by our back patio door:


She was a great pillow:



A true sport about peek-a-boo:


And was just always "one of the kids":


All my girls:


Montana and Macey:

Just took my first ever sleep-aid

Let's hope it helps. Why is it that I become so ridiculous over the loss of a pet??? I had to get up and read the Bible last night because I was so worked up and crying so much. Yes, next to James who snored. I wanted to see in the Bible if it said anything about animals in heaven. What I did run across was the passage in Proverbs that talks about a dog returning to its vomit. Nice! So I just took 2 Tylenol PM and hopefully I'll be out for the count. Not entirely sure that's a stellar idea as a stay at home mom to 5 small children but we shall see!

She is gone.

We brought her to the vet today at 4:30. It was fitting - James and I went to pick her up together when she was just a few weeks old and we brought her to the vet together today. Neither one of us could stand to be with her...our hearts were breaking. So we left her there and said our goodbyes to her. She just licked our faces and wagged her tail. I know I'm tired and emotional (I couldn't sleep last night because of it) but I feel like we made a horrible decision and now it can't be reversed. Tell me this gets easier. I can't stop crying right now. I was doing ok up until we got rid of all the dog stuff in the house because I couldn't bear looking at it...

Our family is about to change...

and no, we are not gaining new members. (read your mind) We are losing one tomorrow. Tomorrow at 4:30 our beloved black lab Montana is being put down to forever sleep. To say that we are sad is an understatement, but it is time.

She piddles so much in the house. And it isn't because she's naughty, it's because she incontinent - the peeing all happens when she's asleep or just waking up. We've tried meds for it and the meds made her all shaky and weird, they weren't letting her be the dog she used to be.

Then we realized over the past few weeks that she's deaf. I'm honestly worried that I might back over her in the driveway when I have all 5 kids with me...then what?

The questions keep coming back to us - is it too soon? Does she still have tons of years left? Is she going to die within the year anyway??

We made the appointment and we're sticking to it. It's just way hard.

Tulip Time!

I swore I was not going to march in a parade all decked out in a Dutch costume. That all came crashing down as I proudly marched my twin baby girls in the "Dutch Doubles" part of the afternoon parade today! They got lots of attention which was fun for me, hahahaha! I also got a big ol sunburn on my face, which is pronounced by the fact that the hat I wore with my Dutch costume came down my forehead about 1/2 an inch. I look ridiculous.

Worst part? Both twins got sunburned faces, too. Bad mommy moment!

Sooo, we're camping and it's not going super well. In fact, I'm home right now with Macey and Madelyn because they wouldn't stop crying in their "beds". Mmmm hmmm, we've got to get the bed thing figured out in the camper. Last night went REALLY bad but we toughed it out. Tonight was going better but I figured with their lil sunburned faces and all that it just wasn't worth letting them cry in the camper. So I popped them into their cribs and they are happy girls!! Granted, it's after 10pm and they're still awake but honestly...it's supposed to storm tonight and I don't care to be down there during a storm. So it's a win-win for me!

He's home!

James was discharged late this afternoon. We are so glad he is feeling better! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Can you spare a few more prayers for us?

James has been admitted to the hospital this evening. He started coughing horribly again yesterday, started throwing up again, the whole works. After the throwing up with coughing subsided he started feeling very short of breath and tight in his chest. He was feeling so bad that he thought he better be seen at the ER, which is saying something. Sure enough, his oxygen is pretty low (84%) without supplemental oxygen so he needs to be in the hospital on oxygen until he turns the corner, whenever that might be.

We're both feeling very exhausted and emotional about another hospital stay, this time one of us! We covet your thoughts and prayers.

Maybe it was too early.

I woke Caden this morning and his crib was FULL of pee. Wowsa, soaked. So...he's got a pullup on tonight.

Caden and I left pretty early this morning to go see a pediatric orthopedist about his elbow. Long story short, he did indeed fracture it nearly 6 weeks ago, and probably fractured it in two places. It has healed completely and also healed well, which we are so thankful for! He is going to need some physical therapy for it. Normally the dr doesn't suggest that but he thought "it might help" for Caden - no guarantees obviously. He also said he doesn't think he'll have any long-term problems from it, which is wonderful!

A few milestones around here.

Madelyn's bottom 2 teeth popped out on the 8th. This, after weeks of working at it! James and I were gone for the weekend (James' folks stayed here with the kids) and Macey's bottom 2 teeth popped through while we were gone - so around the 17th. It's very precious to see!

Last night we had to go to Des Moines for a few things, so we got home late - around 9pm. We still had 5 kids to get to bed and it was hectic. I had Caden go potty for me, and then I told him he was going to stay in underwear overnight. This morning when I got him up, he was dry!! First thing he said to me was "point down" - which is his version of "I have to pee!" So proud of him! I've been telling James I think he's ready for overnights but James didn't think so...time will tell!

Mother of the year!

That's how I felt this morning when Madelyn rolled off our bed. I said to several people over the weekend, "Our days of leaving the babies on the bed are over" and yet what did I do this morning? Put them both on our bed and leave the room. That's what I did. I knew the sound immediately when I heard it. And then I heard her scream. Which was a good feeling, knowing that she was ok enough to scream. I ran into the bedroom and she wasn't off the side of the bed towards the door, which was WEIRD. No, she must have rolled alllll the way to the foot of the bed, across the mound of laundry on the hope chest and the foot of the bed and then down to the laminate flooring.

Mommy is SO sorry Madelyn.

I obviously typed too soon.

Got done blogging, surfed the web a bit....heard Caden ralph all over his crib. Child #5 has fallen! Ugh.