Macey and Madelyn at 10 months!

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Enjoy them!! Macey is on the left, wearing pink. Madelyn is on the right, wearing white (or purple).

Amazing grief...

Today we got a sympathy card from the vet, signed by all of them. On the front was a poem that talks about not crying over her, etc, but the last line goes "I loved you so...'twas Heaven here with you" and I CANNOT.STOP.BAWLING over it. Oh, and they also took her paw, dipped it in ink and pressed it on the card as a keepsake, signing her name under it. O.M.G.

I honestly can't understand why I am such a wreck over this. I was doing much better until I got that card today and now I have been sobbing until I literally feel like I might throw up. I finally had to take the card and put it away so I wouldn't look at it anymore. Thank God my BFF Heather took Avery this afternoon so I just have the 3 littles and they are all sleeping...so mommy can go sob into her pillow.

I just didn't think this would be so hard. We talked about putting her to sleep for over a year now, and I was usually pretty jazzed about it in terms of not having to mop all her freakin' hair, no letting her out to pee, no mopping up her pee from incontinence. We're free to go on trips and go camping without dog stuff. All of that seemed great. But now it's reality and I'm not sure I like it. I miss her coming into the bathroom while I'm peeing, just to give me a kiss and get herself a mommy-scratch. I miss having to step over her while I'm getting out of bed in the middle of the night. I miss her being underfoot while I'm working in the kitchen. I REALLY miss her cleaning up all the kid food messes.

I keep thinking that she is alone somewhere, cold, wondering where we are and if we are coming back to get her. I know for a fact (I called the vet, I had to know) that she is already cremated and gone. But I still want to call her name, to have her come running like she used to before her ears failed her. My heart literally HURTS.

I can't imagine losing a child. If I am this upset about a DOG, I just can't imagine losing a child.

Basically, if you got this far bless your heart. Writing is helpful for me, so I'm writing. I'm also going to include some very recent pictures of her. I took tonnnns of pictures after we decided she was going to be put to sleep...some are even from before that.

Here's Montana on Monday:


With all her "brothers and sisters" - the babies she welcomed home each time:


One of her favorite spots to lay - in our front bay window watching down the driveway:


Her other favorite spot was her bed by our back patio door:


She was a great pillow:



A true sport about peek-a-boo:


And was just always "one of the kids":


All my girls:


Montana and Macey:

Just took my first ever sleep-aid

Let's hope it helps. Why is it that I become so ridiculous over the loss of a pet??? I had to get up and read the Bible last night because I was so worked up and crying so much. Yes, next to James who snored. I wanted to see in the Bible if it said anything about animals in heaven. What I did run across was the passage in Proverbs that talks about a dog returning to its vomit. Nice! So I just took 2 Tylenol PM and hopefully I'll be out for the count. Not entirely sure that's a stellar idea as a stay at home mom to 5 small children but we shall see!

She is gone.

We brought her to the vet today at 4:30. It was fitting - James and I went to pick her up together when she was just a few weeks old and we brought her to the vet together today. Neither one of us could stand to be with her...our hearts were breaking. So we left her there and said our goodbyes to her. She just licked our faces and wagged her tail. I know I'm tired and emotional (I couldn't sleep last night because of it) but I feel like we made a horrible decision and now it can't be reversed. Tell me this gets easier. I can't stop crying right now. I was doing ok up until we got rid of all the dog stuff in the house because I couldn't bear looking at it...

Our family is about to change...

and no, we are not gaining new members. (read your mind) We are losing one tomorrow. Tomorrow at 4:30 our beloved black lab Montana is being put down to forever sleep. To say that we are sad is an understatement, but it is time.

She piddles so much in the house. And it isn't because she's naughty, it's because she incontinent - the peeing all happens when she's asleep or just waking up. We've tried meds for it and the meds made her all shaky and weird, they weren't letting her be the dog she used to be.

Then we realized over the past few weeks that she's deaf. I'm honestly worried that I might back over her in the driveway when I have all 5 kids with me...then what?

The questions keep coming back to us - is it too soon? Does she still have tons of years left? Is she going to die within the year anyway??

We made the appointment and we're sticking to it. It's just way hard.

Tulip Time!

I swore I was not going to march in a parade all decked out in a Dutch costume. That all came crashing down as I proudly marched my twin baby girls in the "Dutch Doubles" part of the afternoon parade today! They got lots of attention which was fun for me, hahahaha! I also got a big ol sunburn on my face, which is pronounced by the fact that the hat I wore with my Dutch costume came down my forehead about 1/2 an inch. I look ridiculous.

Worst part? Both twins got sunburned faces, too. Bad mommy moment!

Sooo, we're camping and it's not going super well. In fact, I'm home right now with Macey and Madelyn because they wouldn't stop crying in their "beds". Mmmm hmmm, we've got to get the bed thing figured out in the camper. Last night went REALLY bad but we toughed it out. Tonight was going better but I figured with their lil sunburned faces and all that it just wasn't worth letting them cry in the camper. So I popped them into their cribs and they are happy girls!! Granted, it's after 10pm and they're still awake but honestly...it's supposed to storm tonight and I don't care to be down there during a storm. So it's a win-win for me!

He's home!

James was discharged late this afternoon. We are so glad he is feeling better! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Can you spare a few more prayers for us?

James has been admitted to the hospital this evening. He started coughing horribly again yesterday, started throwing up again, the whole works. After the throwing up with coughing subsided he started feeling very short of breath and tight in his chest. He was feeling so bad that he thought he better be seen at the ER, which is saying something. Sure enough, his oxygen is pretty low (84%) without supplemental oxygen so he needs to be in the hospital on oxygen until he turns the corner, whenever that might be.

We're both feeling very exhausted and emotional about another hospital stay, this time one of us! We covet your thoughts and prayers.

Maybe it was too early.

I woke Caden this morning and his crib was FULL of pee. Wowsa, soaked. So...he's got a pullup on tonight.

Caden and I left pretty early this morning to go see a pediatric orthopedist about his elbow. Long story short, he did indeed fracture it nearly 6 weeks ago, and probably fractured it in two places. It has healed completely and also healed well, which we are so thankful for! He is going to need some physical therapy for it. Normally the dr doesn't suggest that but he thought "it might help" for Caden - no guarantees obviously. He also said he doesn't think he'll have any long-term problems from it, which is wonderful!

A few milestones around here.

Madelyn's bottom 2 teeth popped out on the 8th. This, after weeks of working at it! James and I were gone for the weekend (James' folks stayed here with the kids) and Macey's bottom 2 teeth popped through while we were gone - so around the 17th. It's very precious to see!

Last night we had to go to Des Moines for a few things, so we got home late - around 9pm. We still had 5 kids to get to bed and it was hectic. I had Caden go potty for me, and then I told him he was going to stay in underwear overnight. This morning when I got him up, he was dry!! First thing he said to me was "point down" - which is his version of "I have to pee!" So proud of him! I've been telling James I think he's ready for overnights but James didn't think so...time will tell!

Mother of the year!

That's how I felt this morning when Madelyn rolled off our bed. I said to several people over the weekend, "Our days of leaving the babies on the bed are over" and yet what did I do this morning? Put them both on our bed and leave the room. That's what I did. I knew the sound immediately when I heard it. And then I heard her scream. Which was a good feeling, knowing that she was ok enough to scream. I ran into the bedroom and she wasn't off the side of the bed towards the door, which was WEIRD. No, she must have rolled alllll the way to the foot of the bed, across the mound of laundry on the hope chest and the foot of the bed and then down to the laminate flooring.

Mommy is SO sorry Madelyn.

I obviously typed too soon.

Got done blogging, surfed the web a bit....heard Caden ralph all over his crib. Child #5 has fallen! Ugh.

The pukes have invaded.

So far, not a child has been spared except for sweet Caden. Lord, please keep it that way!

Poor Caden fell (twice) today at school and they were very concerned he may have injured his elbow further. We went back in for xrays late this afternoon and were told we'd get a call back. We didn't. I'm assuming no news is good news and we'll leave it at that. He cannot bend it to 90 degrees anymore, but I'm guessing that is because he simply doesn't use it and it's stiff. He cried SO hard when they tried to bend it for the xrays, broke my heart! In case you were wondering, he fell at school because mommy let him wear his croc mammoths that are officially too big. Yeah, feeling REAL wonderful about that right now.

Here's to hoping we wake up vomit-free and happy tomorrow!!

Long time, no see!

I remember my blog. Daily. But I just don't have the umption to add anything to it! Until tonight, that is. Are you ready for some picture overload?

A few highlights - Caden's arm is still useless to him, poor bud. He doesn't use it at all. His handwriting goals at school are having to be reworked! We had follow up xrays after one week and it showed exactly the same thing, which was, essentially...nothing. He is to use it as much as he tolerates which is, essentially...not at all. He will NOT bend at the elbow, and the elbow is where we're pretty certain the fracture is. Say it with me, poor buddy!!

In OTHER Caden news....he lost his first tooth! I was so excited. Last Tuesday (16th) James and I made a good date of our day kid-free and shopped in Des Moines all day. Grandma Jean (respite provider) got here around 8am and we took off. When we got home James noticed his wiggly tooth was totally gone! Jean thought we knew - apparently it hadn't been around all day! And, she had washed his bedding so if it WAS in the bedding it was gone. We haven't found it. We assume Cay swallowed it. But anyway, first tooth lost! Super exciting!


Ok then we have a picture of Declan. This is mainly because I don't have much news about him other than he threw up ALL over the supper table tonight....aaaand the only thing he's had to eat all day were some Cheerios and chocolate milk, so you can imagine how incredible that was to the rest of us trying to eat. Anywho, this is Declan in a typical morning pose - poptart in hand, sippy cup nearby, taunting Montana with the possibility of getting a morsel of that. And quite frankly, she often gets the whole dang thing, which makes me angry.


And of course there's more of Caden and some of Avery, with the twins. Caden and Avery can be very, very sweet about helping with the babies. You have to watch Caden carefully. He can't be left unattended with a baby but Avery is REALLY good. On this evening we let them help feed and Macey and Madelyn were so enthralled with being so close to their brother or their sister! It was really precious. Caden has Macey and Avery has Madelyn (you'll notice that Caden, who is very right-handed, is using his left hand to feed...evidence of his owie):



And last we have my favorite picture of them all. I wanted to snap a candid shot of Avery "reading" to her sisters. She loves to make up words to any book and they love to watch her. They typically cutely look at the pages, look at Avery...all cuteness. Well, apparently they know what a camera is now. I bent down to take this picture when they were cutely looking at the book. They must have caught sight of me in the meantime, before the flash, and here's the outcome:


HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That's Madelyn (aka, the clown) on the left, Macey on the right. Hilarious!

I'd hardly believe it myself unless it happened to me.

That's sorta how I feel about my life.

Thursday night Madelyn had been home from the hospital for all of about 1 hour and it was bedtime. The kids had been playing outside and came in to get ready for bed. James carried Caden to his crib on his shoulders and put him in his crib with the rail down (we usually leave the rail down and Caden climbs in himself with the assistance of a step stool - we started this when I was hugely pregnant with the twins and couldn't hoist him in there anymore). Caden likes to sleep in just his pull up, so he was pulling his shirt off, standing up in his crib. You know how when you're little (like Caden) you feel like you have to lean WAY over to pull your shirt off over your head? Yeah, well Cay did that but in the process he fell head first out of his crib. I stated in my last blog post that he cried hard from a fall and got a bloody nose. Well, apparently that was just the tip of the iceberg.

When Caden woke up Friday morning he was crying. James went to get him to start getting ready for school and he wouldn't use his right arm. AT. ALL. We decided he needed to be seen, so I drove him to the clinic and our doctor looked him over and sent us for xrays.

Nothing huge showed up on the xrays. Apparently Caden has a "posterior fat pad" on his elbow - it means he for sure hurt it, but we don't know if it's a tiny fracture or what it is. He's "wearing a sling" (I say that loosely because mostly he just lets his arm hang down from the sling) until we have repeat xrays on Friday. He has a totally abnormal response to pain - his threshhold is CRAZY high. But he won't use that arm. AT. ALL. I know it must really hurt. However. For prayer tonight I did see him slip his left hand over to his right hand and all 10 fingers clasped. How precious to me, God!!!

And now for the moment of mommy heartache. When Caden went to bed Thursday night after his fall, I put him back in his crib and he was still REALLY crying hard. I assumed it was because his nose had just bled a lot and he was scared from falling head over heels onto the floor (wouldn't you be?). I stroked his head a bit but then I left the room, with him still sobbing. I didn't know what else to do. And he cried for a while. Probably at LEAST 15 more minutes. And now I know he very well could have fractured his elbow. And I walked away from him. With him still crying. I feel horrible about that. It's SO heartbreaking that he couldn't tell me that he was hurting. He didn't have the words. He could only cry. My only comfort is that God heard his unspoken hurt and took it away...I know he finally fell asleep and did sleep all night. So hard. So hard.

She's home!

She came around this afternoon. She pulled her oxygen out before 11am and I decided to leave it out. Her sats stayed around 94. Then she just stayed doing well with her sats all afternoon and our dr came to see her after 5pm and said she could go home! YAY! We're all back under one roof. Whatta feeling!

Now please pray. Pray for continued healing for Madelyn (she sounds atrocious but is getting better). Pray for Macey, who is acting quite sick. Pray also for Declan and Avery, who both have fevers. And, for Caden, who fell tonight and cried (HARD) for a solid 5 minutes with a heckuva bloody nose. I think we have ALL had it.

She's still in the hospital.

Madelyn just can't seem to shake needing the oxygen. So for now, she's still in the hospital. James has stayed with her nearly the entire time, which has been very difficult because the hospital air is so incredibly dry and it's making his coughing horrible. I think he went back to work too early last week - he has thrown up and coughed more this week than just about any other week. I think he needs some more time off, for his health physically and mentally.

Things here at home are going pretty well. I'm so thankful to have been able to be at home and Heather's been over nearly every day to help with household stuff or whatnot because I've got more sick kids here at home. Declan is sick - fever, runny nose, just not feeling well. He was also supposed to have surgery on Friday (to bring his left testicle down) but that has now been postponed until he is feeling better. Who knows when that will be...

Macey is also not herself. We think it might be teeth - they are 8 months old now. She does a lot of crying and just acts like something hurts. Not sure what to do for her either...

So we keep on keeping on. I'm tired. I'm sure James is tired. But we do it. I don't think we have another choice! God is blessing us on the journey and we just keep listening for His voice.

It's (almost) getting funny.

Madelyn is back in the hospital. She doesn't have RSV. Her blood work is excellent. Her chest xray looks good. But she's got something "like" RSV and is really sick.

We were in Wisconsin Dells all weekend for the annual Midwest RTS Reunion. We left Friday morning and Madelyn wasn't feeling well - had been throwing up and fever, but both girls had just had their shots and I figured that was it. Well, she progressively got worse over the weekend. Saturday night I got back to our hotel room with Caden and James said she wasn't doing well. We weren't sure what to do - she was breathing fast, retracting, nasal flaring, all the bad signs. We didn't want her to be hospitalized in WI when we were supposed to leave the next morning to go home, so we decided to leave Caden and Avery with grandpa and grandma in their hotel room (to come home the next morning) and we packed Declan and the twins into our van and headed home....5 hours mind you. We never.stopped.once. The little ones just slept all the way home. We got a few hours of shut eye after arriving home at 3am and then we got up and I brought Madelyn to the ER. Sure enough, she needs to be in the hospital. So that is how I spent my birthday - in a hospital room with a very sick baby.

They say the temps are going to be warming up here. If that isn't true, I just might quit. Quit winter, that is. Do you think it'll play along??

Nothing new..

I guess that's a good thing, in the grand scheme of things. Not much is happening here. Macey is off oxygen after Tuesday's appointment, which is very good news! They both seem to be doing very well. They have coughed here and there but nothing terrible.

James, on the other hand, is still coughing horribly. He's growing increasingly active here at home (working on the twins' new bedroom, which was Avery's old bedroom) to try to prepare himself for the rigors of work and anything/everything sends him into a coughing fit. It's relentless! He has been able to spend most nights in bed with me so that's nice - he used to have to leave and sleep upright on the couch most nights so he wouldn't cough so bad.

Thought I'd share a picture I captured today. You may remember we tried something similar Christmas day and James made me angry and Declan whacked Macey on the head multiple times and it was just AWFUL, but today went very well! Here's our babies!!

Caden 7
Avery 5
Declan 2
Macey and Madelyn (sitting in that order) 7.5 months

We're home!

As of yesterday, all seven of us are back under one roof. It's such a blessed feeling. I had Macey and Madelyn in the crib together and granted, I am tired and emotional, but I just broke down crying at how precious they were together in the crib and how much they need each other and how much life wouldn't be the same without TWO of them! I can't imagine just one Macey or just one Madelyn - they are unique yet very much part of a set. I'm so glad they're back together!

Macey was discharged yesterday morning, but she is on oxygen here at home, needed especially while sleeping and at times while eating. We don't have a pulse oximeter here to know what her sats are, but she was pretty consistent at the hospital and it was obvious she needed the help while sleeping. We hope to be able to remove the need for oxygen on Wed the 24th at their follow-up doctor appointments.

February is a big month for birthdays in our families! Yesterday was a very special niece's 10th birthday and tomorrow is James' mom's 60th! And then Tuesday is James' birthday!! I love birthdays. :)

I also wanted to add that I have removed the ability to leave anonymous comments on my blog. I wish I still could because I realize several of you comment without IDs but I was getting too many weird comments from anonymous people and I just don't feel like dealing with it. So, sign up for a google account if you want to leave comments! Hey, start a blog yourself!!