On Wednesday when I picked Declan up from Kindergarten his teacher bent down to him sweetly and said, "Declan, what are we not going to say on Friday?" My heart hit my butt and he insisted he had no idea. I tried to figure out a way to explain that my 3 youngest use the phrase "stupid idiot" like "chocolate milk" when she said, "Remember, we are going to only say I CAN DO IT! or I WILL TRY!" WHEW. Declan had only pulled out the ol' "I caaaaaaan't" mantra, not anything else.

God has been using one of my love languages (Facebook!  hahahaha) to really get through to me lately.  In the past days several people have shared things with me or shared things themselves that have spoken to me loud and clear.  Here are two of them:

"I am continually at work in your life, even when you can see nothing happening. It’s easy for you to feel stuck in a situation you’d like to change because you can see only the present moment. But I look at the big picture—all the moments of your life—and I am doing more than you can imagine." -Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 302 (need to track down this book!!)

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John16:33

I am really trying to be still and listen right now.  It isn't easy, but it's something simple I can commit to.

Something's missing...

God, I feel like you have betrayed me. I have trusted for so many years but now, every morning, I wake up just sad. Sad, all the time. I haven't been brave enough to share this with anyone until just now. I don't know how to reconcile how hurt I am with what I know about You from forever in my past. Right now you are far away and you are quiet. I don't need my friends and family to tell me I need to reach out to you - maybe you could throw me a bone now and again. I'd really like that joy that comes from deep within and the "peace that passes understanding" but for now, I feel completely empty inside, and it honestly feels like you don't care. I realize this is the only way I have communicated to you in several days, but I really am not sure what to do. I will keep on keeping on, as I always do, but something is missing and I have no idea what.

Raw honesty...

This isn't going to be a pretty blog post.  It isn't going to be one that gives you a laugh and lets you walk away from the computer lighthearted.

This is honest.

I am depressed.  It is kicking my butt.  I thought all along I have been doing ok with it.  And I WAS...sorta.  I've dealt with depression since high school, and have dealt also with knowing I have bipolar since the early 2000s.  I've dealt with them and I have really found the right combo of meds which help me to function well and more importantly, to FEEL well.  But now, that is all being threatened.

I'm sure it's situational, and I give myself some credit there, but at the same time, it is so disappointing, scary and frustrating.  On one hand, I think I might be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have crazy "flashbacks" of the fire, my heart races, I can't breathe, I can't calm down, I can't function.  And again, that's understandable.  I'm seeking some help for it but then comes depression.  Depression is one of those silent things.  One of those things where you think you're doing ok.  You tell yourself you're doing ok for SO LONG that by the time you accept you're really struggling, you're past the point.

I'm sleeping.  All the time.  I fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day...with the kids.  I snap at my kids.  I cry over everything.  I usually cry when I look at my twins.  I see them, running, twirling, playing and I think...one day, they won't be able to do that.  One day, they won't be able to do anything but sit in a wheelchair.  And my heart feels like it's so heavy over that it sits in my gut.  I find myself avoiding them.  I don't want to see how sweet and cute and funny they are because I fear one day that will all be gone and those memories will hurt too much.

I'm becoming angry about the fire.  Moreso than before.  I'm angry that we lost everything.  I'm angry that the subsequent house building is taking so long...and that is no one's problem but the weather!  I can rationalize all of it, but it still just angers me.  I'm so upset that it feels like we have NOTHING to look forward to.  I am truly feeling HOPEless.  Nothing's happening.  Nothing's moving forward.  I feel stuck.  Completely stuck. 

I don't want to do anything.  I barely want to go anywhere.  I just fake it.  Force myself.  Keep moving.  And that's something that lots of moms have to do, but I feel like I am moving underwater to get anything done.

I don't talk about it a lot.  I have barely shared this with ANYONE at this point.  I'm afraid of reactions.  I'm afraid that people will think I'm being a drama queen.  I'm afraid.  Of a lot.

Depression is something we just don't talk about in America.  And I think we need to.  Real people live with it every day...probably a lot of people that you know. 

I needed to get this out.  I'm deciding to trust a lot of you with it, if you'll take the time.  As I said, I am seeking help for it, the appointments just had to be changed and I am waiting on them.  Until then, I would love your prayers.

Madelyn, while walking up the stairs today, hanging on to the rail but NOT demanding to also hold mommy's hand, said:

"Mommy, I good job-in'!"

Yes, yes you are, little one.  *loveher*

In some more honest news...I totally blew it tonight.  Totally, utterly and completely.

I only had about 300 calories remaining before supper.  I blame the dear, sweet friend who brought me a homemade cinnamon roll today.  (No, I LOVE her for it.)  But I really didn't pay attention to that mere 300 calories and had pizza, plus Smores dessert pizza PLUS a regular Smore over the fireplace with my sweetie.  Oh yeah.  BLEW IT. 

It's one meal.  And deep down, I knew I was going to do it.  Now the trick is...don't do it again tomorrow.  Don't let one slip up become a landslide.

This, I can do.

Yesterday's starting weight was not pretty.  Not at all.  When I FIRST started my weight loss journey 3 years ago I was 267.  I was just 9 pounds under that yesterday, which means the 70+ I had lost had turned into 9.  NINE.  So sad. 

But.  There's nowhere to go but back down.  And that's where I'm heading.

This morning I was down 1.6 pounds from yesterday.  So in one day (plus 3 years, shhhh) I have now lost 10 pounds!  Woo hoo!

And I actually exercised yesterday.  Granted, it was 20 minutes of walking at only 2.5 (a few minutes at 3.0) and I was winded and sweating.  But again.  There's nowhere to go but healthier from here. 

Some observations about my weight/size/health:
a) I am not able to go up a flight of stairs without breathing harder.
b) Carrying a twin (30ish pounds) up the same flight of stairs nearly makes me have to stop to collect my breath.
c) I have quite a few aches and pains in my joints.
d) It is difficult for me to bend over for the time it takes to help one of my kids get dressed or put shoes on.
e) I try to avoid squatting to help someone with shoes because I just about can't get up from that position.
f) I have a difficult time putting on socks and shoes (the bending over/forward part).

So there's some honesty for you.  My hope is that, along with weight loss, all of these items will be things I have no problems with in a matter of a few months.

So it's 2013.  I know, thank you, Captain Obvious.  But I'm just feeling GOOD about this year.  So many people make New Year's Resolutions.  I never really have.  I always SAID it was because of one thing or another, but the truth remains this:  I never made them because I was terrified of failing.  And now, I'm on the other side of a typical NYResolution fail - I lost almost 80 pounds and gained over 60 back.  Truth be told, that sucks, it really does, but that doesn't change who I am.  It doesn't change my personality or the fact that I could have the a$$ of a $40 mule and my kids would still adore me.  It truly doesn't change ANYTHING (ok let's be honest, it does change what size clothing I wear and it changes some things obvious only to me in private moments, but I really can't type that out...). 

I'm going to be honest here.  This is going to be my "safe place" and I really don't care who reads it.  To me, weight is just a number.  To some it's a private word only to be shared with your doctor...and then only because s/he already saw it on the scale.  But weight is a marker of where you've allowed yourself to go.  You don't get fat from simply not exercising...you get fat from eating too much food.  I have spent a lot of time eating too much food.  I use food for comfort and the past 8 months have been torture in some emotional ways.  I turned to food.

I am going to start learning some coping mechanisms that don't involve food.  I am going to start being positive, even when I screw up.  I am going to be proud of every stage my body is in.  If I give the stages my kids are in my full embrace, of course I should do the same for me!