Comparison steals our joy

Yesterday I came to an astounding realization. A realization I posted on Facebook:

there comes a time in your life, sometimes all at once, where you realize if you spend your time being envious of the stages other families are at, you completely skip the precious stage you're currently living (enduring?). Vowing from this moment to live in our stage...and embrace the beautiful chaos it evokes.

Um, yes. A wise friend there shared this quote with me:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Ummmm, yes. Isn't that so true??? Think about all the times when you thought "life is good" and then 2 minutes later you hear about something someone else has and you're wishing you had it, too. You've completely lost the "life is good" idea and gone straight for, "I want more out of this life. Other people have MORE, I want it, too."

I am CLASSIC for doing this. It's something I spend a great amount of time in prayer about. I think it's a tool the devil uses to pull us away from all the beautiful things God has given us and our thankfulness about those things...and to pull us toward negativity, bitterness and resentment. Who wants to live like that? Who would sign up for that? None of us, and yet we gravitate toward it daily, sometimes even minute-ly (I made it up, go with it).

So yesterday I made the decision to stop doing that. And yes, it's a process. And no, it won't happen overnight. And yes, I will have to make the decision time and time again. But I can do this. It's about my attitude. It's about being able to say, "I can't get to the gym more than once a week because my kids are little." and not seething inside because others can go whenever they want. There is absolutely no need to be pissy about silly stuff like that. I am thankful for my kids who need me, even though they NEEEEEEEEED me with more urgency than I can tolerate some days. I am blessed to be able to be home with them and snuggle them when they're sick (which they have been this week).

Really, it boils down to realizing that you can embrace the stage your family is in without giving up any joy. In fact, I think embracing that leads to greater joy indeed! I've always said it's when we compare ourselves to others we don't allow ourselves to feel deep emotions (so and so has it worse than me, I'll shut up); and when we compare ourselves to others we don't allow God to bless our socks off in the moment.

So today I've been watching for little moments and enjoying them. I hauled in a lighted snowman that's taller than the twins (doesn't take much) and plugged it in near the kitchen. Macey, the twin who always covers her eyes (LOL) when something might scare her (like any sort of animated toy at Walmart) hid in the laundry room but Maddy was right there to see. And within a few minutes, my girls had pure JOY over this little fellow! They were chatting it up with him, "Hi no-man!!" and I felt honored to be a part of it. I was glad that I was nowhere else and I wanted to be no one else other than the mommy of these 2 beauties. Not gonna give up any more of these moments.

Parenting Rule #49567

Do not, under any circumstances, think it's ok to let your 7yo (plauged with generalized anxiety) watch the movie "Soul Surfer". I had watched it previously, and really didn't think the shark biting the girl's arm off was that scary. I loved the story line, loved the fact that it had a Christian message complete with Christian music, loved the story of triumph and hard work. I really thought it would be a good family movie for us to watch together.

It's 9:13 and Avery is still awake. She just chatted with James from the stairway. I asked him what the problem was and he summed it up in one word: "movie". Grrrrrreat.

Happy holiday!

Why is it that we think we must jam-pack holidays with stuff? Today has been spent doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING so far...and James and I are feeling like we're not getting anything accomplished. That should be a good thing, right? We're trying to just enjoy the time with our kids (and the ahhhhhhhhhhhmazing weather to boot) but it's hard when you know there's projects that need finishing up.

After lunch my awesome father-in-law will be coming over to help us tackle our pack porch project. It's more of a covered cement slab with a few plants and our hottub on it, but it needs some painting and a post covered to look nicer and some finishing touches like that. It will be great to have done, I'm excited! We also bought a ceiling fan/light for outdoors that will go there that I cannot WAIT to have put up!

I have a few other little projects I'm working on, but there will be time. I just get so caught up in the fall frenzy! Forget spring cleaning, I am all about fall projects!

Some facebook sharing

You know, just in case you think you want to be on Facebook but can't quite make yourself. There are some funny things happening over there! Ok, so mostly it's because I am nosey and want to know what's going on in everyone's lives.

I shared this tonight on Facebook (shorter on FB than here):
Tonight Macey took her diaper off and was walking around the living room, patting her bum and shouting, "NAKED! Naked butt!" I really couldn't be much prouder, honestly. But it's all about the fact that she was walking!

They walk more often than not anymore, and I absolutely love it. Madelyn is still a stronger walker, but they're pretty confident. They still love to reach out and grab your finger (or an older sib) to walk more confidently, but they're doing it.

So cute

So yes, the twins are now officially walking. I say "officially" because I announced it on Facebook, thereby making it "Facebook official" and that is big. Madelyn is still out-walking Macey, but Macey only just started taking steps last week and went straight to full walking, so that doesn't surprise us. We made them walk hand-in-hand one night and that was all it took for Macey to realize she was more confident than she first thought!

In other cuteness, Madelyn now says "yeah" when you ask her things. For example, just now I said to her, "Do you have a blankie?" and she replied, "yeah" - precious!

A week out from surgery...

and I am amazed at how well it went. I didn't do so great with the anesthesia part. They gave me a lot of anti-nausea stuff while I was still out, but I wonder if that actually made me more dizzy and yuck feeling. It took about 24-48 hours to recoup from that.

The pain has been quite minimal. I am surprised, however, at how often my kids whack me in the chest. That becomes PAINFULLY obvious once you cannot have them touching you there!

We're gearing up for school to start! I simply cannot wait. Caden will be entering 2nd grade and Avery 1st grade. We'll meet the teachers on Friday and school starts for both of them on Monday!

"Peanut butter starts with J"

This was Caden's proclamation while helping me put groceries away last night. I was initially extremely proud of him for all the connections, but I did have to explain a bit to him about brands and marketing. "Mommy chooses from all the peanut butters, and mommy chooses JIF [y'know, cuz choosy moms choose JIF]. And yes, JIF starts with J." After I asked him what Ppppeanut butter actually does start with, he told me "P!" He amazes me so often.

Breast specialist, she is!

I have to say, she knows her way around a boob. James wondered if he could go back to school to do that. Heather says it's probably too obvious - school wouldn't let him in. I have to agree with Heather on this one.

So yeah, I had my appointment with the doctor today. Honestly, we don't know much more. Well, that's not entirely true. We know it (the mass) is coming out. We know that's going to happen on August 8 at 11am in Des Moines. What we don't know is if it's completely benign or not. It sure appears to be, and the doctor felt pretty confident about that today. But sometimes, pathology can find something else. And that is where I'm praying the fear away. I can call to find out pathology results on Aug 11 after 1:30pm. Do not attempt to call me or speak to me at 1:30 and 01seconds.

My mom came with me. Glad to have her there because they asked a whole lot of questions about grandparents and family members, many of which I did not have the answers to. And glad to have her there because sometimes, a girl just needs her mom.

Thank you for supporting us! And thank you for supporting my boobs. I know, I just, in one measly second, made you feel as if you were a bra. But I really do mean it. Thanks!

My turn for medical

Normally I spend my time planning my kids' next doctor visits, from well-child appointments to a tonsillectomy for Avery coming up in 2 weeks. I'm pretty good at keeping track of all that, and used to worrying about this, that and everything.

It's now my turn to worry...about myself.

On Thursday I went for my routine physical. Now I want to be upfront and let you know that it's been over 2 years since I have gone, and in that same time span I have lost the equivolent of a 2nd grader in terms of weight. At the breast exam part my doctor paused. Then came the question, "Have you always had this?" Uhh, apparently not, because I have no idea what you're talking about. But I felt it myself - big, BIG lump there.

Then begins the dance with medical imaging at the hospital. I finally get scheduled for Wed (today) in the morning. So I had 5 days to obsess and "pinch my boob" as Avery kept asking me why in the world I was doing that.

Heather came to watch my kids and to the hospital I went. While I was waiting in the Women's Imaging Center this guy walks in. This guy is my husband. He got off work to come be with me!!!! And then he got kicked out, because men can't be in the Women's Imaging Center...but it was really stinking sweet. Then came the mammogram. People, it does NOT hurt. All the horror stories, all the reasons I was nearly pooping myself, all for naught. It doesn't hurt. Does it feel like a tickle? Sheeeeeeeeeeetno, but come on, you knew it wouldn't be comfy. After that I went to the ultrasound, where James was allowed. Incidentally it was the same ultrasound room where I was when I was shocked to learn we were having twins! Good times.

The important doctor came in then and gave us the news. I have a very rare thing called a hamartoma. Apparently it's an encapsulated growth of junk - I dunno what's all in there but it's fat and tissue and more fat and more breast tissue. I've likely had it all my life and it just grew as my boobs grew. It grew lots though. He said it's the size of an ostrich egg. I looked that up. It's 7inx5in. Holy..... He made sure to tell us that it wasn't cancer. And he made sure to tell us that it was very rare. Multiple times. Which doesn't surprise us in the least. That's just how James and I roll!

On my way home my family doctor called. He was more honest with me, which I love. He said it CAN be cancer, but we won't be totally sure until I see a breast specialist, which is scheduled for a week from today. It will likely need to come out, which could make for a rather pancakey shaped boob on the left side. I mean get real, removing something the size of an ostrich egg from a breast would pretty much leave...nothing. I couldn't tell you how I feel about this, other than I've always called my boobs "rocks in socks" because they hang so low, so maybe I'll end up getting perkies with insurance paying for it all! Always a silver lining, friends.

I'm scared. I have to be honest. I don't want to have cancer. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to have surgery. But I'm trusting and praying and leaning on supportive family and friends. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Amen!

Yep, it's us

Tonight it was our turn for bedtime on our own again (aka, no Heather). Declan did fine at first and after about 15 minutes the screaming began. I had him talk to Heather on the phone, but that didn't work either. The screaming lasted for (only) 30 minutes, so I'd say it's a real success. Here's to hoping we're on our way to scream-free bedtimes!

Pretty sure it's us (the parents)

So after the 2.5 hour screaming fit on Tuesday night we came to Wednesday. Declan woke up in a very good mood (normally he wakes up screaming, but Wed morning he did not) and we went about our day. Our friends came over for supper and Heather blessed me by giving all 3 of my little kids a bath and putting them to bed for me...have I mentioned I adore her? Well wouldn't you know it, she put Declan to bed, laid down the law (he was thinking of crying) and that boy didn't make a peep. No crying, no screaming, no chaos, just right to sleep and out for the night.

Guess what? The problem lies with Declan's parents. I think we knew that already, but it's always good to get reinforcement. LOL!

It's 10pm

and yes, he is still screaming.

Declan, sweet Declan

This boy. He can break my heart and piss me off in the same second...much like he's doing as I type. I am currently blogging so that I don't go in there and regret my actions later.

Apparently there's an issue with bedtime. The issue is that Declan does not want it to be bedtime. So he's taken to screaming for an hour or more each night at bedtime. I wouldn't mind so much, but the twins "sleep" directly next door to him while he shrieks out "mommmy!!!" "daddy!!!!" at the top of his lungs. How he can keep that up I simply do not know. There must be some sort of 3 year old code that allows him to perpetuate the unwanted behavior for hours at a time. Such pleasantries.

We moved Declan to a big boy bed in April. Things were actually going very well until about late May. By late May we had some issues with him coming out of his room at bedtime. We have the rule that you do not have to stay in bed, but you do have to stay in your room. To combat his coming out of his room we put a pressure mounted gate across the doorway to his room, but we ONLY put it up if we found him meandering around the house after bedtime. He KNEW it was coming and always ran directly back to his room...we just put the gate up without saying a word (we talked with him about it every night at bedtime). The gate ALWAYS caused a huge meltdown. I'm not talking just crying but full blown screaming in anger. He knew it was coming, but yet he flipped out every time. The screaming usually lasted over an hour.

Now he's taken to crying and screaming every single night after we leave the room. He has 2 nightlights, he often sleeps with the overhead light on (his choice, he gets up and turns it on), and we leave the door open. There is absolutely NOTHING that works to get him to stop screaming. We've tried the threat of the gate and then had to follow through with that (which is somewhat backwards and confusing to him, I would guess) ... you name it, we've tried it. He doesn't nap at all during the day. One day last week he DID nap and then the screaming lasted until 11pm. NO NAPS. He goes to bed around 7:30-8 (this is moved back from winter time, when they're all in bed around 7pm). When you ask him why he's crying he says it's because he doesn't want to go to bed. Fine, I get that, but quit the screaming!!! I cannot CANNOT get him to be quiet about it, and he sleeps right next to the twins, so I HATE how it all plays out.

I think it's a phase. I think he'll stop doing it in a few months. I think we need to NOT go in there AT ALL so he gets no reward for the behavior. Or do you have any other thoughts? We're an hour into the screaming at this point. All the other kids have been quiet for a solid 45 minutes. Declan, you challenge me.

Helllloooo blog!

I am horrible about blogging. Mostly it's because I feel like nothing exciting is happening, so not much new to post really!

Summer is in full swing. Mornings are spent at home, or hanging out at Heather's or driving around running errands where the vehicle is always in full sight so I can run the errand and not have to haul everyone out - this morning was garden centers which worked out perfect! Then we came home and planted which was fun for everyone.

Declan is basically fully pee trained, down to now telling us when he has to go. Pooping is another story, but we're getting there. Somewhere along the lines he learned the phrase "I promise" and he always tells me that after saying he won't poop in his underwear anymore. Very cute, but very obvious he has no idea what "I promise" actually means.

Avery is a big helper to me with the twins this summer. While I planted this morning she had both of them up on the trampoline and was bouncing them, rolling with them, just plain entertaining them for almost an hour while I was working. Avery is learning that mommy is not going to do everything for her anymore, and that comes with a bit of resistance. She "doesn't want" to do things, and she tells me that very matter-of-factly. Having Caden as our oldest has allowed all of our kids to be babied a bit in terms of how much mom and dad help them with...we're slowing making Avery do more and it's been interesting. :)

Caden is having a good time riding his outdoor toys this summer. Caden has an extremely hard time leaving his hands off people (including strangers) and while it's not typically a rough touch it is apparently EXTREMELY annoying to younger siblings. He spent a week at Vacation Bible School and it went very well. I'm always a bit anxious about how he's going to do but he did excellent!

Macey and Madelyn will be turning TWO on July 8! I can hardly believe it, either. No, they still are not walking but do take lots of steps when motivated. They are chatterboxes, too. Macey out talks Madelyn (there's not a word Macey won't try to repeat, note to yourself). They are very fond of routine and give you quite a screaming fit if you change things up.

James is really enjoying work at Vermeer! It is so wonderful to have him in good spirits (almost) all of the time!

I'm just doing the mom thing! Still sllllllowly losing weight but I try not to let that be my entire train of thought. I am, however, enjoying buying new clothes in sizes I haven't seen since high school. James isn't as thrilled about that as I am. I've learned I have to tell him my excitement about the size first, so that he can act happy for me BEFORE he knows I had to buy new to realize the new size. That worked the first few items, now he's on to me.

I feel like I just wrote a Christmas letter or something. That's a quick recap of our lives!!

It's happening again...

I'm potty training someone again. I've decided Declan is ready and we are going for broke. Yesterday was day 1. After a long battle I finally got underwear on him. After a few hours he was standing in the living room and he hollered out, "I spilled! I spilled!!!!!!!!!!" No, you peed buddy. Accident #1.

After lunch he came running up to me and said, "Mommy, I have to go pee." I praised him and took him to the potty and discovered that he had already GONE pee. Accident #2.

He then had some wetness in his underwear but nothing major until about 7:30pm...

I had him sit and try before bed. A lot of crying and tantruming went on from him. He also likes to PUSH really hard which I think keeps the pee from coming out. Regardless, he had SUCCESS, and a lot of it!

Today we have had no success but also no accidents!

Lost some motivation

So it was over a month ago that I made it to ONEderland. Sad part about that is I am still there at 199. It's like I got there and decided to quit. I know HOW to do it, I just am tired of it I think. I want to eat. I want to eat like there's no tomorrow. I want to do that because it feels good and because I've always done that. It's hard to give up my good friend, food.

I've started adding exercise. It's fun, because I am walking with my bestie Heather. It's not fun because it's exercise. Haaaaaaaaa! I also have something on the top of my foot that makes walking painful a bit - a ganglion cyst, from all my web-md'ing. I really don't want to have that removed, but it is causing quite a bit of pain and I think it needs to be drained. *shudder*

So. I'd like to get back into the swing of things. I'd like to see that scale start moving down, down, down. I just need some motivation back. It's hard to find it!!

A first

You may think this means the twins are walking. You would be wrong.

This is another first for our family. It's medical related. It's having all 5 kids on an antibiotic for the same condition at the same time. We officially hate strep throat.

It all started last week Monday. Avery came down with a big fever and said her tummy ached. I waited until Tuesday when I finally took her in. Sure enough, strep was positive. Antibiotics for Avery.

All was smooth sailing until Saturday. Saturday morning Madelyn had thrown up when I went to get her out of her crib. She was super hot with fever as well. So I was getting her ready to go to Urgent Care a few hours later when Macey started being really fussy. I picked her up and snuggled her and she.was.hot. Sure enough, 101.6. So I started getting Madelyn AND Macey ready for Urgent Care. At the hospital I explained that Avery was being treated for strep and the dr simply looked in their throats and said it was enough for him. Antibiotics for the twins.

Saturday afternoon brought Avery's dance recital. We were gone to that and James came home while Avery and mommy went for supper with grandma. While we were still gone, Declan threw up all over. James said he thought he felt hot as well. Oh joy! Mind you, this is after 7pm on a Saturday. So when I got home I called the ER and talked with a nurse. They simply called a prescription in for him that we could pick up on Sunday morning - yes! Antibiotics for Declan.

Caden is my healthy one. After his first few years he sorta owes me that. Sunday night we couldn't find him. James finally tracked him down in the bathroom - vomiting all over. ARGH! So I called back to the ER and they told me to go ahead and give him some of the twins' meds as they were calling in the same stuff for him, and then when I picked up his antibiotic Monday I could replenish theirs. Antibiotics for Caden.

Today is Tuesday. Everyone is back to school. The twins are still sleeping. I'm praying we're on the road to full recovery!

I made it to ONEderland!!!!

Yesterday morning I hopped on that scale and it said 199.8!!!!!!!!!! I haven't seen the 100's in probably 10 years. Awesome milestone! Here are some pictures taken by Avery, the first in July and the 2nd just yesterday. I don't know what I weighed in July but holy...no one tells a girl she's fat until later, huh?


I have lost just over 67 pounds since starting to give a crap about 15 months ago. I still have another 60ish pounds I'd like to lose but now I know I can do it!

He won. He won? He won!

Caden went to district qualifiers today for Special Olympics (which will be held at the end of May). Caden was set to compete in the softball throw and the 50m dash. I honestly thought the 50m dash part was hilarious - have you ever SEEN Caden run? It's more like a trot, an adorable trot but still just a trot. I've never seen him with a full-out, unabashed run.

His teachers have been telling me how it all works: they time/measure him at school and send the times in to Special Olympics. He is then grouped with other like-abled individuals (ages 8-11) and then he competes against those kids today. The best time today wins. Gotcha.

So first up was the softball throw. We were able to sneak him in line a touch early since we were there and ready. I noticed that the kids who were throwing before and after him CHUCKED that ball. Caden? Not so much. That's because it wasn't quite time for his group yet, but we got him in early. If he would have been throwing at the same time as the kids who threw as far as he usually did I would have been able to better compare. I didn't really realize that at the time, but it started to make sense as the day progressed. So at this point we have no idea how he did...

Next we moved on to the 50m dash. There was a lot of waiting for this one, but it gave his teacher time to show Caden just what to do and what was expected.

It just made me so emotional to see all these kids with sheer joy on their faces running down the track! Some of them walked, some didn't want to go at all, and some stopped halfway and turned around. The crowd was so supportive, clapping for all racers. I had Macey and Madelyn with me and they liked watching all the racers, too.

Caden's time put him nearly at the end of all the heats with only 2 other little boys. Here he is over to the right, making fast friends with all the young lady volunteers, lol:

The shot was fired, and Caden ran. He ran! He ran all the way to the end without stopping, even as mommy was right next to the track, cheering him on! I know you can't zoom in, but I was able to on my camera and there is a HUGE smile on his face!

I got down to the end to get him and he really didn't seem that proud, just more of his usual "leave me alone mom, I'm strutting my stuff!" His teacher got down to me at the end of the track and said, "He won!" and it dawned on me - he came across the finish line first! I was so dang proud of him for running without quitting that it never occurred to me that he WON! I started crying over that...wow, he won! Next she said, "This means we go twice in May, first day for cycling and the next day for track and field!" WOW!

So we headed back to the gym to get Caden's sack lunch and watch his friend Miss K participate in her events. The gym is also where each school has a box and they put ribbons in there for the kids who earn them. His teacher came walking back to me, wide-eyed with 2 blue ribbons in her hand. She said, "They're both his." I thought, cool! And then I looked at them. They say FIRST PLACE. (And now I stand here at the laptop bawling again.) He also got first in the softball throw! So on track and field day he will compete in TWO events!


I can't explain to you what I'm feeling, but I knew I had to get home and write about it. I wanted to process it and see if I could figure out what I'm feeling. I'm proud, of course, but more than that I stand in awe. I'm so glad I went along today...it was one of those things I wasn't totally sure I needed to be at but I NEEDED to be there. I can't believe that this little boy, the one I wasn't sure what to do with as a newborn, the one I wasn't sure I WANTED as a newborn, the one who I have cried buckets over and prayed over and stressed over - this little boy is nothing short of spectacular. Just when I begin to forget that, God reminds me, and today He did so in a huge way. We live in a world that just can't help it - first place is a BIG deal. And today I got to feel the beauty of my kid being a winner in the world's eyes. For once he wasn't the last to walk, last to talk, last to potty train. He was first. And he was first twice over.

I so clearly heard the words to one of my favorite Signing Time songs as today has played over and over in my head. Here are some of the lyrics. It's a perfect way to describe Caden and how he SHINES. You shine, Caden. Love you forever.

Sometimes I see you stuck
For such a long time
A daily nothing new
Pretend I don’t mind
With lists of things you’ll never do
Until somehow you do
And you do — you do — you shine

The days and months and years,
they run together
Is it just one day? Or is this forever?
You’ve taught me in your lifetime
More than I’d learned in mine
And you do, you do, you shine

Shine Shine Shine Shine Shine
Shine your light on me
Shine Shine Shine Shine Shine
everyone will see
Shine Shine Shine Shine Shine
I’m so glad you are mine
And you’ll shine in your own time

Well, maybe I’m too close to see you clearly
Or is it now my role to simply believe?
You’re just one of those mysteries
That may never be solved in time
But you do — you do — you shine

Brutal mommy honesty.

If we aren't honest, then what are we? And if we aren't honest about how hard it is to be a mom, then we're lying only to ourselves.

Being 3 is hard. It's hard for the 3 year old's mom. Declan breezed through the first few years of his life but hit 3 in January and his horrid-ness vomited all over our lives. Honestly, he was my BEST baby, most laid back, easy going, a pleasure to be around. Now I don't care for it when I hear him in the mornings. I know soon after breakfast I'm going to hear, "I wanna snaaaaaack." Actually, I will probably hear that while he's still eating breakfast. It's habit for him, one I want to break. Badly.

And he's just generally whiney. And I mean whiney in the most annoying, baby-talking noise you can imagine. Fingernails on chalkboards seem like Kindergarten play to this kid.

This weekend I was talking to my BFF and I (jokingly) asked her which of her kids was her favorite. I knew the answer would be "I don't have a favorite" - which is the correct answer. All moms know that. I replied simply with this: "I couldn't tell you who my favorite is, either, but I'm certain it isn't Declan."