I haven't had a lot to say this week. Well, in truth I HAVE, but it's all somewhat negative. I'm not sure where to place the emotions I am having about the news of these precious gifts from God. I know that's what they are - gifts. But I can't help it, I'm a little miffed about it. To make a long story very short, I feel like God repeatedly gives us "something extra" with our kids (RTS, an extra baby, etc.) and I don't want it. I didn't want RTS but I'm stuck with it. I didn't want a 5th baby but I've got it. I know, there are plenty of people that want babies and can't have them and here I sit complaining because I get 2 at a time.
It's the same feelings I had with RTS. Do I think I can do it? Yes, I think I can. The problem lies within the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I feel like so very, very little of my life is in my control (and I know in my head it isn't, but let me explain). Funny thing is, when we decided to try for this pregnancy we decided that we were going to "give our fertility to God" and let Him decide if we should have more children. We were prayerful about it, we were sincere and forthright. I felt confident in that decision, and in the first month we were pregnant. So obviously God said yes! And all the while I said it was because I tried to take so much control of my own life and wasn't giving any control to God. Ironic that now I want so much control back? Perhaps...
Maybe it's a jealousy thing. I dunno. I see other people planning their lives and having their kids when they choose and their kids come out all fine and dandy and they are off to Kindergarten in proper time without IEPs and 1:1 aides and diapers. No, I don't know their stories intimately but it sure SEEMS like there's an uneven balance there. Thinking out loud really.
Ok, the more I write the more I realize I think this has a LOT to do with Caden's special needs and very little to do with the actual idea of twins. Twins should be exciting! And I'm not excited due in large part to the fact that my 6 year old is going through a horrific stage of hitting, scratching, pinching, and pulling hair, so much so that my 4 year old doesn't like to be near him. I am hyper-parenting him at all times, I cannot relax and enjoy life like I want to. I want to sit around and read about twins and how they grow and what a miracle they are, but I just...can't.
Yes, I do have an appointment with my therapist for next week, don't worry too much, lol. I just needed to get it out. I've already made some revelations in my head while writing this. Thanks for being part of our journey.