Friday, February 13, 2009

Just trying to process, I think.

I haven't had a lot to say this week. Well, in truth I HAVE, but it's all somewhat negative. I'm not sure where to place the emotions I am having about the news of these precious gifts from God. I know that's what they are - gifts. But I can't help it, I'm a little miffed about it. To make a long story very short, I feel like God repeatedly gives us "something extra" with our kids (RTS, an extra baby, etc.) and I don't want it. I didn't want RTS but I'm stuck with it. I didn't want a 5th baby but I've got it. I know, there are plenty of people that want babies and can't have them and here I sit complaining because I get 2 at a time.

It's the same feelings I had with RTS. Do I think I can do it? Yes, I think I can. The problem lies within the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I feel like so very, very little of my life is in my control (and I know in my head it isn't, but let me explain). Funny thing is, when we decided to try for this pregnancy we decided that we were going to "give our fertility to God" and let Him decide if we should have more children. We were prayerful about it, we were sincere and forthright. I felt confident in that decision, and in the first month we were pregnant. So obviously God said yes! And all the while I said it was because I tried to take so much control of my own life and wasn't giving any control to God. Ironic that now I want so much control back? Perhaps...

Maybe it's a jealousy thing. I dunno. I see other people planning their lives and having their kids when they choose and their kids come out all fine and dandy and they are off to Kindergarten in proper time without IEPs and 1:1 aides and diapers. No, I don't know their stories intimately but it sure SEEMS like there's an uneven balance there. Thinking out loud really.

Ok, the more I write the more I realize I think this has a LOT to do with Caden's special needs and very little to do with the actual idea of twins. Twins should be exciting! And I'm not excited due in large part to the fact that my 6 year old is going through a horrific stage of hitting, scratching, pinching, and pulling hair, so much so that my 4 year old doesn't like to be near him. I am hyper-parenting him at all times, I cannot relax and enjoy life like I want to. I want to sit around and read about twins and how they grow and what a miracle they are, but I just...can't.

Yes, I do have an appointment with my therapist for next week, don't worry too much, lol. I just needed to get it out. I've already made some revelations in my head while writing this. Thanks for being part of our journey.

9 comments:

Our Journey said...

god never gives you more than you can handle! ha!!!! have you heard that before? it was comforting the many times i heard it after having frankie.. he definitely will give you more than you can handle!! you will be fine though, just rely on those around you for the support you need. you definitely will need it with the twins! everything will come together one day just try to hang in there!

Jen said...

Getting it out and "on paper" is the best thing you can do! Sometimes those scary emotions don't seem so scary once we put them into words. You are in a joyously scary place right now! :-)

I know you'll be a great mom to the babies just like you are the perfect mom for Caden. Love you!

Brouwer Family said...

Tena,

What an awesome and honest post. I will be praying for you and the rest of your family as you live your daily life and prepare for the twins arrival.

PS I think that most of us have an issue with control--I know I do.

lynnae said...

I think your feelings are completely normal. And sometimes it helps to get them all out there.

Always praying for you!

angie said...

That's what blogging is all about....our personal journey...our feelings. It is DEFINITELY my therapy tool:). You are an AMAZING mother. Caden is going through a stage right now...it will get better! Emma went through it before Christmas. I think they can sense change....tension....and that is how they react to it. Emma went through this because right before Christmas everything at school was off schedule...it was hectic...she didn't feel like she had any control. We have since started using the brushing technique and just having more structure.

I cannot imagine what you are feeling. Although twins are a blessing...you do have a lot on your plate. I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist...it helps a lot.

Hang in there!

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Well I have heard God does give you more than you can handle so we trun to Him.
Who knows, but I feel you girl, I have these same thoughts, and I dont have twins on the way, just one, but oh my goodness......

Cindy said...

Hugs! We all give you permission to have a pity party, Tena. ;) I don't know about you, but I can always come back a little stronger after my pity parties, and I pray you can too. I agree that the hardest part of your life and mine will always be the RTS part...and when something new and exciting comes up, the question is always, "How does the RTS part of my life intersect with this other thing?" But Caden is Caden, and you would be dealing with his stages, no matter how many kids you have. But the pregnancy and hormones and the knowledge of twins makes everything bigger. I pray for God's peace and strength for you. He gave a Supermom a super family.

And God knew what he was doing when he gave you each of these kids, living and unborn!

Kristi said...

Tena. We are here for you. I can imagine how overwhelming the idea of twins is. I know having one child with special needs and being pregnant overwhelms me sometimes. hugs and can't wait to meet you.

Jana said...

I can't comment on a lot of the things in this post, but one thing that struck me was when you said you see other people having kids when they plan to. Both of my kids were unplanned, and came at what could have been described as pretty inconvenient times. This made me feel like a prize idiot--like, I have several degrees and yet I can't figure out birth control? But one thing I found as I shared my story with people (with embarrassment) was that SO MANY people have their families happen in ways they never anticipated or planned or even hoped. Even those people who have kids right when they wanted them often find that that wasn't the right time, or their kid wasn't the kid they were expecting, etc.

For what it's worth...