It's IDENTICAL twin GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or at least they are 99% sure, lol. After figuring out they were both girls, then they started looking for placentas. At my last u/s with them they said 2 placentas. Today - just one so the tech figured she didn't see it right last time. The perinatologist came and and looked - again, both girls and one placenta. I was praying for a girl and then to get two, hooray!!!! They do have separate sacs, but they said the membrane between them is "thin and flimsy". I have absolutely no idea what that means, or if that's good or bad, or how exactly they can tell they are identical already, but I figure a perinatologist knows what he's talking about! They are measuring nearly identically at this point, within an ounce of each other which is very good - twins who share one placenta often have more issues or could have more possible issues, so we'll be watching that closely (twin to twin transfusion is the biggest worry). Anatomically everything looks perfect and I am just excited now!! IDENTICAL TWIN GIRLS, omgoodness, I see oodles of matching Gymboree!!!!!!

I am completely sporadic with this thing lately.

I don't really forget so much as I don't have time. I have a feeling that is going to be my mantra starting in a few months. Or maybe blogging will be a welcome relief. I have no idea, trying not to think that far ahead.

Ok so guess what's exciting? Tomorrow morning at oh-dark-thirty we have our big ol ultrasound for these babies!! To be technical it's at 7:15, but that is early to me. My dad, bless his heart, is coming out here by 6:45 to stay with the kids and get Caden off to school for us while we're there. I would have had James just stay home and do all of it but he already missed the ultrasound where she told me we were having twins, he's NOT going to miss the one where they tell us what they are! If you ask Avery, it's one boy and one girl. She is ADAMANT about that. James and I really think it's one of each as well, or I think it *might* be two girls, but I'm just positive it's not two boys. Time will tell!

Oh and if you wanna know, call us or check back here. I am not paying $300 again. Nevah.

Our first clue as to how expensive twins can be

came in our online statement for our cell phone bills. Many of you know that we use cell phones exclusively, we do not have a landline/house phone at all. Which typically works out great. Typically. However, our usual phone bill is going to be $210 MORE than usual, payable in early March for, you guessed it, the dates over which we found out about the twins. So those of you who found out bright and early, we must think you're pretty worth it. Literally. Cha-ching.

A glimpse of Caden.

It's an interesting thing to get to know a child without verbal interaction. I've found it so easy to bond with Avery and get to know her deeply because of her talking with me. She jokes, she laughs, she tells me stories, she shares concerns, etc. It's profoundly difficult to feel like I really know who Caden is, but this morning while getting ready for school he and God gave me a huge smile.

I am not a morning mommy. Caden needs to be on the bus at 7:35 (a suburban that pulls right up the driveway and all I have to do is walk him out there and strap him into his carseat). I typically go in to get him out of his crib at 7:15 or so. Yeah so I enjoy chaos (I guess that's going to bode well for me in a few months). Lately Caden has been really balking at stopping his playtime with his RC train and coming to me to get boots, coat, hat, mittens on. He usually says "uh uh" when I tell him to come. Today we went through the same whole ordeal, I started requesting and he started "uh uh" refusing. We went through it a few more times until finally he turned to me and signed "sick". Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you trickster!! I am not keeping you home from school because you alledge to be sick!! So I laughed, he smiled, I went over to him and did the usual, picked him up and started putting the coat on.

It was a really great moment.

Just trying to process, I think.

I haven't had a lot to say this week. Well, in truth I HAVE, but it's all somewhat negative. I'm not sure where to place the emotions I am having about the news of these precious gifts from God. I know that's what they are - gifts. But I can't help it, I'm a little miffed about it. To make a long story very short, I feel like God repeatedly gives us "something extra" with our kids (RTS, an extra baby, etc.) and I don't want it. I didn't want RTS but I'm stuck with it. I didn't want a 5th baby but I've got it. I know, there are plenty of people that want babies and can't have them and here I sit complaining because I get 2 at a time.

It's the same feelings I had with RTS. Do I think I can do it? Yes, I think I can. The problem lies within the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I feel like so very, very little of my life is in my control (and I know in my head it isn't, but let me explain). Funny thing is, when we decided to try for this pregnancy we decided that we were going to "give our fertility to God" and let Him decide if we should have more children. We were prayerful about it, we were sincere and forthright. I felt confident in that decision, and in the first month we were pregnant. So obviously God said yes! And all the while I said it was because I tried to take so much control of my own life and wasn't giving any control to God. Ironic that now I want so much control back? Perhaps...

Maybe it's a jealousy thing. I dunno. I see other people planning their lives and having their kids when they choose and their kids come out all fine and dandy and they are off to Kindergarten in proper time without IEPs and 1:1 aides and diapers. No, I don't know their stories intimately but it sure SEEMS like there's an uneven balance there. Thinking out loud really.

Ok, the more I write the more I realize I think this has a LOT to do with Caden's special needs and very little to do with the actual idea of twins. Twins should be exciting! And I'm not excited due in large part to the fact that my 6 year old is going through a horrific stage of hitting, scratching, pinching, and pulling hair, so much so that my 4 year old doesn't like to be near him. I am hyper-parenting him at all times, I cannot relax and enjoy life like I want to. I want to sit around and read about twins and how they grow and what a miracle they are, but I just...can't.

Yes, I do have an appointment with my therapist for next week, don't worry too much, lol. I just needed to get it out. I've already made some revelations in my head while writing this. Thanks for being part of our journey.

He's home!

His breathing still sounds atrocious, but he's doing much better. We brought Declan home late morning, and my parents kept Caden and Avery so we could take a long nap. Declan slept for 4 hours!! He's a happy boy and I'm glad he's home.

And as IF this week couldn't be any crazier

Declan is now in the hospital. He was admitted this morning after a follow-up appointment to his earlier appointments this week. His oxygen levels actually went DOWN (from Wed) after receiving the treatments we've been giving at home and he sounds really coarse, horrible cough, that kind of stuff. He doesn't have the flu, RSV or pneumonia. Our awesome dr actually isn't sure what he has exactly, but said it sounds like a bizarre virus. James is staying with him overnight while I have Caden and Avery here and in bed finally. I am headed to bed too, so we can go back in the morning and see how he is!

So now I've known for 24 hours

and I really thought I would feel better this morning. Fact is, I don't. I am overwhelmed. I told my friend Heather this morning that I was disappointed, and she assured me that it probably wasn't disappointment - rather, it was huge overwhelmingness (is that a word? I feel it, so it should be.). James is excited. He feels like God has doubly blessed us. I'd like to get there, but for now I am just "wow".

Yesterday I was in for a follow-up on Declan. I asked our dr what might be causing my discomfort - lots of pelvic floor pain and cramping in my uterus (now I know, it's called STRETCHING). He called for an ultrasound for me and it was scheduled for 12:15 already. Basically the tech put the probe on my stomach, smiled at me HUGE, and went to turn my screen on so I could see...I KNEW it (plus Avery's been saying all along that there were 2 babies in there). I said to her "Please don't tell me it's twins." and she said, "Do you want me to lie to you?" and I thought...um, kinda!!! Then she said, "I'm checking to make sure there's only 2" to which I replied, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But there they were, 2 beating hearts, one at 160, one at 153.

I'd like to share the ultrasound pictures with you. I'll explain a little bit, but some are kind of difficult to see I realize. They tell me I'll have LOTS more ultrasounds and many more appointments so yes, we will be finding out the genders!!

Here's some looking down at them from "above" - the tops of their heads:


Baby A moved over a bit, you can see the profile:


Baby B's bottom, Baby A's head:


Baby A:


Baby B in upper left corner, baby A in lower right, all 4 hands between:


Baby A:


Stacked babies, here's B on top of A:

I thought 4 kids was going to be overwhelming...

no one told me that it'd actually be FIVE. Yes, I'm 15 weeks and just today found out that I am carrying TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You haven't seen freaked until you've seen me today folks. God is good, yes He is, but dear heavens, He has a big sense of humor. Pics to follow later, but there are 100% 2 beating hearts inside my uterus and I'm not sure how good the sleep will be tonight.

Sorry I've been scarce!

Caden was recovering from strep throat, went back to school only to have school call his first day back because he vomited on their lunch trip to a pizza place. Lucky them! So he got to come home and stay home for the rest of the week. Lucky me! (Yes, both times that was sarcasm.)

Then we ended up going overnight for a weekend trip to Des Moines with my parents this weekend, which was a lot of fun. Caden and Avery (especially) really enjoyed the swimming and, while the sleeping arrangements did NOT work out we had a good time overall. Let's just say it's a good thing Declan will be staying home with grandpa and grandma when we go to Wisconsin for the RTS Midwest Reunion at the beginning of March, wow - hated the pool, hated to sleep in an unfamiliar place. Then he also came down with a nasty cold and is battling that now, so he's just grouchy all over. Which is quite funny, because today his new word is "happy"! He is anything BUT!