It's been 8 weeks today since the fire. And about 7 weeks since we found out about the twins having muscular dystrophy. I think I was running on adrenaline and the overwhelming outpouring of support from our friends, family and community. The adrenaline is majorly waning. I am tired. I am tired a lot. The support is waning. And I totally get it. Our immediate needs have been met. But now, our hearts are totally broken.
The house is now completely gone. There are a few toys scattered about
the property that the bulldozer missed, but other than that there's no
evidence there was ever a house there. I feel like I need affirmation
that it existed, that we loved it, that it was not just a house, but a
home. It was a place where we brought all 5 of our kids home, where we
got married and moved in together, where we made a home. And that's all
gone. I long for people to tell me, "I remember the twins' bedroom, it
was so cute!" and stuff like that.
Gosh, even now I am just crying and crying. I just miss it. I know it
was just a house and we're all safe and I'm thankful....I'm just sad.
And then we have to work on inventory. Everything. Everything in the
ENTIRE HOUSE. Fourteen years of everything. The Cabbage Patch doll I
got in 1984/85 when they first came out. Her name was Donia. And she
is gone. My babies' first little locks of hair - all 5 of them. Gone.
And no one asked me. No one asked my permission. No one cared that it
might make me sad. And inventory is such a vicious cycle - you HAVE to
work on it if you want to get money back to replace your things, yet
working on it is DEPRESSING, so you don't want to work on it...but if
you don't work on it you won't be able to replace anything. Vicious.
I know no one has forgotten about us. I'm sane enough to know that, yet
it's just so painful. I'm living in a house that isn't mine, with
clothes and furniture and things that aren't mine. We are starting on
building plans and have a builder we love. People keep asking if we're
excited. Excited? No. Thankful, always, but not excited. It's very
difficult to crank up some enthusiasm for massive undertakings you never
wanted to take on in this season of life. I'd like to enjoy my kids
and spend time in my home decorating for fall.
Gah. I hate to sound so bleak but I'm really not feeling all the fantastic right now. I covet your prayers.