Sunday, September 02, 2012

It's been 8 weeks today since the fire.  And about 7 weeks since we found out about the twins having muscular dystrophy.  I think I was running on adrenaline and the overwhelming outpouring of support from our friends, family and community.  The adrenaline is majorly waning.  I am tired.  I am tired a lot.  The support is waning.  And I totally get it.  Our immediate needs have been met.  But now, our hearts are totally broken.

The house is now completely gone.  There are a few toys scattered about the property that the bulldozer missed, but other than that there's no evidence there was ever a house there.  I feel like I need affirmation that it existed, that we loved it, that it was not just a house, but a home.  It was a place where we brought all 5 of our kids home, where we got married and moved in together, where we made a home.  And that's all gone.  I long for people to tell me, "I remember the twins' bedroom, it was so cute!" and stuff like that.

Gosh, even now I am just crying and crying.  I just miss it.  I know it was just a house and we're all safe and I'm thankful....I'm just sad.

And then we have to work on inventory.  Everything.  Everything in the ENTIRE HOUSE.  Fourteen years of everything.  The Cabbage Patch doll I got in 1984/85 when they first came out.  Her name was Donia.  And she is gone.  My babies' first little locks of hair - all 5 of them.  Gone.  And no one asked me.  No one asked my permission.  No one cared that it might make me sad.  And inventory is such a vicious cycle - you HAVE to work on it if you want to get money back to replace your things, yet working on it is DEPRESSING, so you don't want to work on it...but if you don't work on it you won't be able to replace anything.  Vicious.

I know no one has forgotten about us.  I'm sane enough to know that, yet it's just so painful.  I'm living in a house that isn't mine, with clothes and furniture and things that aren't mine.  We are starting on building plans and have a builder we love.  People keep asking if we're excited.  Excited?  No.  Thankful, always, but not excited.  It's very difficult to crank up some enthusiasm for massive undertakings you never wanted to take on in this season of life.  I'd like to enjoy my kids and spend time in my home decorating for fall. 

Gah.  I hate to sound so bleak but I'm really not feeling all the fantastic right now.  I covet your prayers.

7 comments:

Robyn Vander Molen said...

Hey you! Yea you! You are a wonderfully amazing person. No one, but those who have been there, can begin to imagine how to cope with something like this. I can only imagine that one day at a time is more than enough to bear. I can't feel your pain, your utter agony over how the last few months have gone, but I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Gods hand is so confusing sometimes. Why He would make anyone go thru such difficult and trying times...why would He let you/make you hurt so much, and bring you to your knees simply because there's nothing else you can do. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It doesn't help now, but in a few years, everything will have more than fallen into place, Lord willing, and you can look back at this and understand it. I pray that one day, you will find understanding. Living with everything that's 'not line's and thinking about everything you can't get back...the locks of hair broke my heart all over again foe you...but "Footsteps" once again cones to mind.
Hang in there girl. You've still got plenty of "supporters" and prayer warriors behind you!!! I'd tell you to stay strong, but you know what??? You don't have to. Its ok not to be, that's what He's there for.
Love you guys, tho we aren't close, love you!!!
Robyn

Robyn Vander Molen said...

Hey you! Yea you! You are a wonderfully amazing person. No one, but those who have been there, can begin to imagine how to cope with something like this. I can only imagine that one day at a time is more than enough to bear. I can't feel your pain, your utter agony over how the last few months have gone, but I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Gods hand is so confusing sometimes. Why He would make anyone go thru such difficult and trying times...why would He let you/make you hurt so much, and bring you to your knees simply because there's nothing else you can do. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It doesn't help now, but in a few years, everything will have more than fallen into place, Lord willing, and you can look back at this and understand it. I pray that one day, you will find understanding. Living with everything that's 'not line's and thinking about everything you can't get back...the locks of hair broke my heart all over again foe you...but "Footsteps" once again cones to mind.
Hang in there girl. You've still got plenty of "supporters" and prayer warriors behind you!!! I'd tell you to stay strong, but you know what??? You don't have to. Its ok not to be, that's what He's there for.
Love you guys, tho we aren't close, love you!!!
Robyn

Christine said...

Praying for you, definitely, Tena. I think it's ok to not want to be excited. I'm not excited about my new car at all. Just an idea, but focus on what you'll be doing next year at this time.... It might help to distract from the immediacy of the pain you have this second. Big hugs from Alaska, for what it's worth.

Stephanie said...

Praying and praying and praying some more, Tena...It's totally understandable that your heart is broken. We can say it's just stuff, but that "stuff" can have a lot of sentimental memories attached to it. I'll be praying that y'all can make some new happy memories with each other, and that this season of rebuilding and healing goes quickly and smoothly. Much love to you, James and all the babies!! <3

angie said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers every single day! I have no idea what you are going through....but, I wish that I could be there to give you a huge hug and help you with all of the inventory!!! I will be there with you in spirit and in my heart! I know....you don't know me....but, I have been knocked down a time or two in this life, and I want to support you in any way that I can....because you have been knocked down too many times. I pray that the future brightens for you soon my friend:).

Kathy Boot said...

You don't know me, but I do understand where you are coming from - our fire was January 3, 1992. Your fire and this blog bring back many memories...the reminder of the horrible smell...how everything we had worked so hard for was gone in a matter of minutes. We had been married for 15 years and had 2 children in grade school. My heart breaks for you, for everything you lost and everything you are going through.

Inventory was a nightmare, it is difficult to place a value on something that is priceless to you and worthless to the insurance company. Things that can never be replaced. No one knows or remembers everything in ones home. You will find yourself remembering things well after you are "done" with your inventory. We even had one person tell us we should be happy we were getting everything new.

We were grateful for the support we received and an insurance agent who worked with us. I know it may not seem like it now, but it will get better with time. It will also help when you are able to move into your new home with your own things. Try to remember the fun you had decorating your children's rooms and let the ones who are able help decorate their rooms.

Praying you "survive" inventory and the rebuilding your home goes smoothly.









Nicki Veenstra said...

No other words than these.

I LOVE YOU!!

I don't even drive by that Vermeer 4-way stop the same anymore and the whole thing has barely impacted me.
I see laundry and our "stuff" in a whole new light.

LuvNHugz-SupportNPrayerz
DV-NMV