and I am truly scared. I think I have post partum depression. It makes it real to say it I guess, somehow. I've been muddling through, thinking it would get better. I thought it was the stress of all of this. I thought I would be fine once they started to get on a schedule. But they are still not on a schedule, not anywhere close. James took over the nighttimes for the holiday weekend and now their sleeping is atrocious. I love him, but I do not know what happened there.
I just feel...sad. I feel blue. I could cry very easily. The colors in my world aren't as vibrant. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hearing things and they are very far away, when in fact they are very close by. Today is the first I've even mentioned it to James, because depression has a way of making you feel you aren't important and that you're a terrible burden to everyone else. But today I said it to him, and he hasn't treated me like I'm a terrible burden.
I want to curl up for a few days (weeks?) and let it pass. I keep praying it will just resolve, but mostly I think I am trying to will it away so I don't have to deal with it again. Most of you know I have bipolar disorder so depression is no stranger to me, it's just that it's been so long really. I have the priviledge of going to the same church as our family dr, so I chatted with him just a bit this morning and he mentioned I could just be cycling low right now and if we tweak my meds I'll feel better. Hopefully that's it.
To be perfectly honest, I DON'T know if it's PPD or if I'm just that overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Pray for clarity, would you? I can handle feeling blue for a while, but I'm still determined to be the best mom I can be. I will still smile and tickle my kids and laugh when they are being silly. But it's going to take an effort right now.