Sunday, November 29, 2009

I think it's here

and I am truly scared. I think I have post partum depression. It makes it real to say it I guess, somehow. I've been muddling through, thinking it would get better. I thought it was the stress of all of this. I thought I would be fine once they started to get on a schedule. But they are still not on a schedule, not anywhere close. James took over the nighttimes for the holiday weekend and now their sleeping is atrocious. I love him, but I do not know what happened there.

I just feel...sad. I feel blue. I could cry very easily. The colors in my world aren't as vibrant. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hearing things and they are very far away, when in fact they are very close by. Today is the first I've even mentioned it to James, because depression has a way of making you feel you aren't important and that you're a terrible burden to everyone else. But today I said it to him, and he hasn't treated me like I'm a terrible burden.

I want to curl up for a few days (weeks?) and let it pass. I keep praying it will just resolve, but mostly I think I am trying to will it away so I don't have to deal with it again. Most of you know I have bipolar disorder so depression is no stranger to me, it's just that it's been so long really. I have the priviledge of going to the same church as our family dr, so I chatted with him just a bit this morning and he mentioned I could just be cycling low right now and if we tweak my meds I'll feel better. Hopefully that's it.

To be perfectly honest, I DON'T know if it's PPD or if I'm just that overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Pray for clarity, would you? I can handle feeling blue for a while, but I'm still determined to be the best mom I can be. I will still smile and tickle my kids and laugh when they are being silly. But it's going to take an effort right now.

11 comments:

Angelica mom to JesusRTS said...

I will be praying for you and i hope you feel better soon! :)
hugs to you!

KuskoMama said...

I'll be praying for you Tena. I'm sorry to read you're suspecting PPD right now - it must be especially hard with 2 babies, and 3 older ones that still need you so much.

Christine said...

I will pray for you Tena. You have your hands full, I too am sorry that you are suspecting PPD, wish I could do more for you. Hope you feel better soon.

Brandi said...

My arms are stretching out and giving you a big hug across the miles. Our bodies go through so much when it comes to having children. Lack of sleep sure doesn't help the body and mind to heal.

I hope you feel better soon Tena.

Kristi said...

You are a beautiful,strong,fabulous, awesome mom. Hugs to you my friend. I understand what you are going through. I have been there.

Cindy said...

I'm so sorry you're not feeling your best. It has been a long time, and a long time is so much harder to bear. I pray you get relief soon! But just so you know, you're an incredible mom and you have an incredible job!

Myssie said...

Oh Tena, I am praying for you. I understand your feelings, I have been there. I hope that you start feeling better soon. Huging you from here!

Sawyer said...

I'm sure it's overwhelming and lack of sleep sure doesn't help. Sending a big hug your way, I think you are an amazing mom and I will pray that you get the clarity that you need.

Kelly said...

Thinking of a wonderful mom in IA! Hugs! Kelly F

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Hey girl! Just got caught up on your blog. Thinking of you right now. The lack of sleep does not help any day seem bright. Add the other kids, the special needs, the horomones, gracious sakes! Thinking of you!

Jana said...

I wish I had read this earlier, but I'm just catching up with my blogs now that school's over. Anyway, I wanted to say that there should be absolutely no stigma about depression, at all. PPD is very common, due to hormonal changes and life changes, sleep deprivation, etc. There is NO SHAME in being depressed, and the best thing you can do, for yourself and others in your life, is get help, even if you're not sure you need it!

You deserve it.