I think it's here

and I am truly scared. I think I have post partum depression. It makes it real to say it I guess, somehow. I've been muddling through, thinking it would get better. I thought it was the stress of all of this. I thought I would be fine once they started to get on a schedule. But they are still not on a schedule, not anywhere close. James took over the nighttimes for the holiday weekend and now their sleeping is atrocious. I love him, but I do not know what happened there.

I just feel...sad. I feel blue. I could cry very easily. The colors in my world aren't as vibrant. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hearing things and they are very far away, when in fact they are very close by. Today is the first I've even mentioned it to James, because depression has a way of making you feel you aren't important and that you're a terrible burden to everyone else. But today I said it to him, and he hasn't treated me like I'm a terrible burden.

I want to curl up for a few days (weeks?) and let it pass. I keep praying it will just resolve, but mostly I think I am trying to will it away so I don't have to deal with it again. Most of you know I have bipolar disorder so depression is no stranger to me, it's just that it's been so long really. I have the priviledge of going to the same church as our family dr, so I chatted with him just a bit this morning and he mentioned I could just be cycling low right now and if we tweak my meds I'll feel better. Hopefully that's it.

To be perfectly honest, I DON'T know if it's PPD or if I'm just that overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Pray for clarity, would you? I can handle feeling blue for a while, but I'm still determined to be the best mom I can be. I will still smile and tickle my kids and laugh when they are being silly. But it's going to take an effort right now.

I have failed you...

poor blog. I just don't have time. Imagine that?!?! I want to...I want to keep abreast (sorry, had to use that word) of what's going on but before I know it a day is GONE! Plus if I'm being perfectly honest, by the time I get to morning I don't truly even REMEMBER what time who was up! Yes, it's that bad. James is back in bed with us and we've worked out a system where he goes to sleep with earplugs around 9pm and then he takes the early morning hours shift. I get to put them down for the night but at least I don't have to be up around 3 or 4am. Lately it's still the same - down for sleep with cereal bottles (no, I did NOT mention that yesterday at their 4mo checkups) around 10pm, up between 3 and 4, then up between 6 and 7. Truly it's not so bad, but I sure miss those days of sleeping all the way through the night. I praise the good Lord that our other 3 are excellent sleepers - down at 7pm, up at 7am!

Shopping to help the leukemia and lymphoma society!

My friend Heidi's little boy Ian was just diagnosed with leukemia last month. We've been praying for him, but now there's more we can do. This weekend only, shop at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy and enjoy 30% off your purchase while giving 5% of those proceeds to the leukemia and lymphoma society! What could be better? Print your coupon (to be used multiple times at all the stores) here. Happy shopping!!!

A few stats while I remember them.

Blogging is like the ultimate baby book. Only problem is, I have to actually remember to go back and write down all the stuff they did once I haul out their baby books! But I had Madelyn in at the dr on Friday for a nasty diaper rash. Turns out it was a reaction to the POS cheap Wal-Mart diapers. Figures that she would have a reaction to something less than Cadillac worthy! So we got that all figured out and I wanted to see what they weighed. My guess was around 12-13 lbs each, with Macey weighing less than Madelyn.

Madelyn was 12lbs9oz, Macey 12lbs3oz. Spot on! They are doing really well. Sleeping is going well. They are swaddled, flat on their backs in their crib, side by side the short way in the crib, sleeping usually from 10pm-4am, bottles, then back to sleep until 7. The 3hr. schedule I've implemented is going very well, and it's nice to know what to expect and when to expect it as far as eating goes. They are still only taking 4oz at a time and Macey is handling medium flow nipples. Madelyn hates those, but she is such an aggressive sucker (lol) that it comes too fast for her!

Your support means so much!

Thank you to all of you for the phone calls, emails, notes on facebook, all of it!! It means so much. I think I am pretty foggy, and I am just not seeing things as clearly as I'd like to. The twins are still very young to be sleeping huge amounts, but I'm comparing to Declan, who slept 10+ straight hours by 7 weeks!

Last night was better. WAY better. We fed them for the last time around 9:30 or so and had them asleep and in their crib just before 10. They didn't wake to feed until 4:30!! That was absolutely wonderful. And then they made it again until 7am. I think I am going to start a 3 hour schedule during the day and allow a 6 hour time frame overnight, so feed at: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm...4am. They are still only taking 4oz at a time and they still seem to need the slow flow nipples (Macey accepted a medium flow one today without issue but Madelyn got MADDDDDD!) so feedings still take SO LONG, but this schedule would work well for our family and I don't think it's ridiculous to expect them to be on SOME sort of schedule by now. They will be 4 months on Sunday. So we'll go with that. I had to sort of force the 10am bottle this morning but I don't think it will take long for them to get used to it.

Any experience with schedules like that? I can honestly say that I have never regimented myself with any of my other kids but then I've never had twins before either. I'm sure undecided what to do about overnights - like if they ate last at 10pm but are screaming by 2:30 should I just feed them and screw up the schedule? We'll see how it goes.

Thanks again for the support. I do promise pics soon - I even have a new video of them and they are not screaming this time!

I kicked James out of bed again last night.

No worries about our relationship, but honestly we might have issues if these twins keep waking up at all hours of the night. It's driving us insane. I know babies are supposed to be unpredictable and all of that but dear lord, they are so inconsistent we might as well call them politicians.

So I kicked James upstairs to the bedroom to sleep in peace. Apparently I am able to snore through them screaming in stereo, so we deemed it most appropriate for me to remain in the same room with them. Things started off ok. We put them down around 7:00 and they were both asleep! And then it happened. It always does with them. They woke up. And they fussed and fretted, so finally at 8:30 we fed them again and put them down again. Macey fell asleep. Madelyn fussed until 9:30 when she finally fell asleep. And they were out for good. Which leads me to my first question - would you just let them cry at that earlier point until they fell asleep? They will be 4 months on Sunday.

And the night continues. At 2:30 they started crying. I'm not sure who woke up first, but they were both crying before I knew it. And I ignored it. And was able to sleep off and on for another hour. I know, you might think it's horrible but they were right next to me and no one was hurt. At 3:30 I got up and gave them pacifiers, which worked...for about 15 minutes. I finally succumbed and fed them at 4am. Success? Or failure? Again, what would you have done? They had already cried for over an hour at this point....

So yeah, they ate at 4 and I got Madelyn up to change her diaper as she was poopy. I know they were both wide awake at 4:30 when I went back to bed but I turned the light off and I did not hear from them, so I'm assuming they didn't cry too hard to go back to sleep after that. James fed Macey around 6:30 and Madelyn got a bottle around 7am. Not too bad but I'm just unsure of how to go about all of this. I'm serious, if you have advice (even if it's "you did this ALL wrong!") please let me have it. I've never done sleep training with a baby, let alone twins so I don't know how to do it best. I just can't decide if they are young enough that they need to be eating during the night like that or if I should let them cry it out (which I used to be totally against, now I just need my sanity) at various points during the night. Help!!!