Soooooooooooo

The teary-ness has set in. James comes home and gloriously takes care of the older 3 but often that means leaving the house to go outside or whatnot and I am just here with the girls yet again. I cry over anything...the 2-2.5 hour stretches of sleep don't help at all, plus recovering from a c-section just blows. Madelyn is now screaming after just having been fed so I must go!

Staples are OUTTA here! And 18mo well-child for Declan.

And I couldn't be happier. I was scheduled to see my surgeon on Thursday to have the staples removed and check things over but I just couldn't stand it - they were poking into me and just generally uncomfortable. So I called them this morning and they said to come in today at 3:30 instead, which was perfect because Declan was due to see our dr in the same building at 3:15 today for his 18 month well-child check up.

My mom stayed with the other 4 while James and I brought Declan to the hospital/clinic. I went upstairs for my appointment and James stayed for Declan's appointment. The staples came out quickly for me and it didn't hurt, like I so feared. He said the incision looked great and to just keep on doing what I was doing. All done there. They did joke with me..."See you in 18 months or so?" Haaaaaaaaaa.

Declan's appointment went well. He is 27 pounds some odd ounces and 31 inches I think? I have it written down but I don't have it here with me. He's short. And he's heavy. His BMI is a little on the high side, so we're watching that but we think when he starts walking he'll trim down. He's a pretty sedentary boy save for the crawling so I'm sure that makes a difference.

My mom is here and is staying overnight. She is going to take the twins with her into Avery's bedroom for the night, woo hoo!! Avery is patiently waiting on the top bunk for grandma and the twins to come in...time will tell if she actually falls asleep or not but she has assured me that she will wait for grandma to come in before falling asleep. :)

Today's late update brought to you courtesy of...

James! Apparently he doesn't realize that bringing the laptop upstairs means that I cannot have any computer time. You know, since I have so MUCH time now available to me and all.

Things still going well here. M&M are perfectly adorable and perfectly on schedule with each other (for the most part) and it's just going good. This morning we had their home visit with the nurse. Madelyn passed Macey up, weighing 5lbs7oz to Macey's 5lb6oz. Their color looked good, temps were good, all over good! I've got some drainage from my incision so the nurse said to shower twice a day and let it air dry for 30 minutes or so (lay on the bed and just let it dry). You know, I really like that nurse, and so I didn't want to be rude, but that was hilarious. Twice a day? I think she meant to say twice a week or something, there's just no way twice a day is going to be possible. I'm still laughing.

What else do I want to remember? I'm not that sleep deprived, thanks to my awesome, amazing, wonderful, treasured husband who puts up with my "you've got a set of pipes, babe" snoring due to having had surgery and taking good pain meds. Apparently he gets up several times that I don't even know about during the night. God bless you James.

Tomorrow James is headed back to work and my mom is going to come for a few days. Yes, she lives near us anyway but she is still going to essentially move in for a few days which will be fun! After that we'll see what/when James is going to take off - I know I can't wait for the go-ahead to lift more weight and do more stuff around here, but I still have quite a bit of pain in my incision and I can't overdo it.

Night one at home - successful!

No, the tiniest two and the biggest two did not sleep through the night, but the other 3 did and it truly wasn't that bad. I have to give kudos to James for his willingness and helpfulness with all of this. The nurses kept reminding me I am recovering from major abdominal surgery and will need to rely heavily on others. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than one baby for at least until I see the surgeon again at the end of this week, then we'll see what he says.

We got home around noon yesterday and my mom was here with the other 3 kids. We came in and Caden and Avery were so obsessed with the twins. It is a good thing there are two newborns to go around, but sir Caden is going to be a challenge. He ended up going to my parents' house for the day - he's just too rough and too loud and too...lots. He had fun with my parents and even napped there for a bit. Then they went to Wal-Mart and got a haul of practical and fun stuff for the house here, bringing supper with them. Grandma and Avery painted fingernails when they got back, complete with nail stickers! That was a hit.

Back at home, we had lots of visitors and when that waned I went down for a 2 hour nap while Declan napped. James had all 3 of his little girls for that time and Avery is SUCH a good baby holder (she is particularly fond of Macey, but in time I think it won't matter so much...my gut tells me it is because we have differentiated Macey and Madelyn's stuff with pink for Macey and purple for Madelyn and Avery is VERY partial to pink, therefore, she loves Macey...makes sense in a 4yo way). I got a good nap as well.

At bedtime the twins ate around 9pm and then we swaddled them and put them down in the crib in our bedroom together. They woke just after midnight to eat again and did very well. After 1 they woke again, but this time we (I should say James) searched for their pacifiers and offered those, which gave us until after 5am before they woke again! Very nice girls!! We then all slept until nearly 8:30 and they ate again at 9am.

It's 10:40 and Avery is hounded me to hold Macey again. I must go!

Laptops are fun!

It's so much fun to sit in the hospital and blog away on our laptop. It makes me think of those commercials where the person is sitting at some random place using their wireless internet service instead of doing what they're supposed to be doing there...only we are allowed to use this internet service so I suppose it's not nearly as funny. I digress.

Macey and Madelyn are doing so well. They are just peaceful little buggers who've barely cried or needed much besides feedings and diaper changes. My nurse last night has identical twin girls at home who are 20 months old and she gave me some good tips and advice - it was so fun to talk with her! People come in to visit and can pick them up and hold them, put them back down and just unneccessarily manhandle them and they don't wake up or anything. You can tell they are used to being bumped and jostled by each other which will serve them VERY well in a family with 3 young children who want to poke and prod at them. We've also noticed that the girls prefer to be near each other in the same tiny basinette and will turn their heads toward each other every time they are near each other. It's very precious!

Macey had a 2 vessel umbilical cord, which was noted from a very early ultrasound. Usually, this means nothing but our doctor ordered an ultrasound on her kidneys which was done this morning already. We don't have any news from that but hope to hear in the next several days what the results of that are.

The ultrasound technician who was the person to tell me I was having twins and has followed them every month since that Feb 4th day just came in to see them and held Madelyn for a bit. It has been so fun to share this pregnancy with her and she is so excited to meet them on the outside! We love you Donna.

I'm doing ok. Somewhat overwhelmed, but mostly I feel that's due to the c-section recovery more than anything else. While I don't have a lot of constant pain, I am very uncomfy when I stand up straight and it's just tough to move around like I would like to. I know I am going to need quite a bit of help when I go home and that's tough for me because I am so ready to feel well and do the stuff I wasn't able to do because I was "too pregnant" to do them before. I'm going to try to remember what a gifted nurse up here told me this morning - newborns won't know they're wet or poopy, but your older kids will know if they're being left out. Make it a point to nurture them well right now and don't stress about the bitty baby stuff. I find that so helpful, because I think it could be very easy right now to think overwhelmed thoughts about how to care for the babies when instead I can be focusing on how to reconnect with my olders who have missed their momma when I was hugely pregnant and missed me personally while in the hospital. I just want to recover fully, and I know in order to do that I HAVE TO take good care of myself. That is my most important goal right now. Everything else? Baby steps.

The twins have arrived...

God is so good! They are just two tiny bundles of adorable. I will post more later, but wanted to put a few pics up here to tide you over. I went via c-section yesterday morning (7.8.09) and all is going very well. Macey Johanna weighed 5lbs 11oz and was born at 7:50am. Madelyn Corinne was slightly more stubborn but they yanked her out at 7:53am weighing 5lbs 10oz. No, I cannot believe I had all that baby inside me either!

Still here...

I know. You go for a few days without posting anything and people start to wonder. But yes, I am still here, still hugely pregnant, still waiting. We actually made it to church this morning and a lot of people were suprised to see me there, but we figure this is our last chance to go in oh, 2 months? So we did it and the kids are out of control nuts lately so it wasn't exactly good but we were there.

I also had to go to OB this afternoon for a pre-OP teaching thing...basically an early check-in so everything is not so hectic on Wed morning. I can't believe they'll be here in just a few days!!!!

36 weeks today - a big milestone

I believe 36 weeks is considered term for twins. I FEEL term. I know I've mentioned the measurements before and how they measure you just like you're carrying a single baby - the "biggest" being 40cm because you're 40 weeks pregnant, kwim? Well, I measured 49 today. HAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I just find that ridiculously funny.

So yes. The appt today went well, blood pressure is excellent, I have lots of swelling in my legs and feet and face and fingers and everywhere, but I am upright and walking and I really don't have much to complain about. I did get some prednisone for the intense itching of PUPPP. Let's hope that alleviates it somewhat. The rash should start to go away within 1-2 weeks after delivery. I was hoping it'd be 1-2 days but knowing there's an end in sight helps (a little).

I have a non-stress test again tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. After that it's just a waiting game to see if my body actually ever WILL go into labor on its own or if, like all of my kids, these girls need to also be evicted from their cushy water home. I am a fingertip dilated for those of you who care...basically that means nothing is happening. He did however say he could feel a prominent head down there, which is our sweet baby A who has been pushed to the netherregions of my uterus but is still staking her claim at FIRSTBORN! Will keep you posted - thank you for the support and prayers!

It's an adventure a day with twins!

Last night was one of those bizarre sleeping nights. I have PUPPP - a pregnancy rash that is super itchy and uncomfortable. I thought that was what was keeping me awake, and then your mind starts to wander...have I felt baby A move recently? How long has it been? And I realized that it's been a while, but I could feel baby B moving like crazy. So I got maybe 1 hour total sleep during the night and the kids were awake by 6:15...they day began.

I decided to call my dr at 8am. When they called back they said I should get to OB to have a non-stress test immediately. Immediately was over an hour because I had to wait until our wonderful Grandma Jean arrived, but I went straight to OB. Found baby B's heartbeat with no problems but baby A (the one I was concerned about) - couldn't find it. A couple of different nurses tried and at this point you start to panic a bit. Finally they brought in an ultrasound machine. It felt like it took forever for them to get there with it. Started the ultrasound and of course the sonographer can't tell you anything. At one point I even asked, "Did you find her heartbeat?" and the answer was very non-committal. Finally the radiologist who was also in the room calls our dr and tells him, "We have one heartbeat at 133 and one at 153" - THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good fetal movement. Baby B is just squishing the heck out of baby A and not giving her much room, pushing her way back into my back where it's hard to feel movement or find that elusive heartbeat.

That was scary. I thank my mom for being there with me when James couldn't. I thank our dr for caring so much and being so adamant we get the care we needed. I thank the nurses who were so professional and didn't let on how worried they were. But mostly I thank God for giving peace and calm and helping us through, and for keeping them both growing strong and healthy!

Tomorrow I see my dr again, and Thursday I am probably going to have another non-stress test (incidentally, it was a very HIGH stress test, but I get the whole true meaning of it). I will be 36 weeks tomorrow and at 36 weeks we've said I can deliver here in Pella so this is a very big milestone! I am currently set up for an induction/probable c-section (because of their positions inside) on Wed the 8th at 7:30am. I got my wish without even having to be pushy - the date of 07/08/09!

Please pray that the itching subsides some for me. I am pretty miserable with it. Also pray that babies might decide to both be head down (vertex) so we can go for a natural delivery versus the c-section.

Today is our 11 year wedding anniversary!

Those of you who were there, remember hot stinkin hot it was? It's like that again today. Blistering. But we are enjoying getting a few projects done around here and hanging with Declan. Then tonight we are going to go out while Declan stays with James' parents overnight (bless them, no kids for us at all tonight!) - we'll pick up some last minute baby stuff and go out to eat at Spaghetti Works, my favorite!!

Today my friend Joy is marrying her best friend Rob - so happy for them!!!! God's blessings to you guys, wish I felt like I could be outside for that long.

Please pray for safe travels for many people. My BFF Heather and family are traveling to Michigan as I type. My parents and kids will be traveling HOME from Michigan this afternoon and tomorrow morning. Several of my RTS mommy blogging friends are together in Florida relaxing, but will be traveling back to their homes soon (some year, I will be coming along, mark my words!). Prayers for all of you.

A bit more about this week for you all

I haven't blogged about it. Maybe I've been too overwhelmed and emotional about it. This week has been VERY different from most weeks in our home. On Saturday morning at 6am, my parents came over and picked up Caden and Avery. They left for Michigan, yes, MI, 8 hours away from us here. I cried when they left, though in total honesty it wasn't because I was going to miss them so much, it was mostly just because I am that emotional and it's just different. Caden signed "mommy cry" a few times and Avery gave me a look that said, "Don't start this, this is NOT my first day of Kindergarten or something." But off they went.

And they are still gone and it is Thursday. And they won't be back until Sunday sometime!

I do miss them, but again, not all that much, LOL! That probably sounds horrible, but it is so unbelieveable to just have Declan to care for. He is simple. He doesn't require a certain drink and a certain number of scoops of Ovaltine into his milk and he doesn't argue about which seat he gets to sit in at dinner and he doesn't yell "moooooooooooommy!" from the bathroom and wherever you put him he can only crawl away from there, not get up and run away. I have spent mucho time with good friends and reconnected there. I have followed up on a Craigslist ad and found a gal with tons of totes of twin girl clothes near us and bought some more clothing for M&M. I was able to spend time with another twin mommy and they are letting us use their twins' carseats and double stroller and all of that, so I now have those ducks in a row. (pause here for scratching my face, glory BE it itches!) And as much as I wanted to get done around the house here, I have spent a LOT of time on my butt and in bed, napping while Declan naps (more scratching, sorry) and simply enjoying not being at everyones' beck and call.

But mostly, the point of this post is to say thank you mom and dad. Thank you for the break. Thank you for understanding that while we love them dearly, we love them even more when we don't have to care for them 24/7. Thank you for sacrificing things you could be doing so that you could have our kids along with you. Much love.

35 week appointments - God is good!!

It's been a busy few days. Yesterday I had my regular appt with my dr. Things are looking good as far as he's concerned. I did cry about how much pressure I'm feeling and how uncomfortable I am - he was sympathetic but said there truly isn't much we can do for right now, which I understand. I measured 46 weeks and we found both heartbeats easily.

This morning I had my ultrasound to check the twins' growth and then I was able to talk with the perinatologist about delivery plans and all of that since this will be the last time I see him before they arrive (Lord willing). Today, baby A was head down - she always has been, good girl! However, baby B was breech, which is weird because at every single ultrasound she is in a different position!! She is going to be a challenge. With this kind of positioning and delivering at a small, local hospital, our more likely outcome is a c-section. However, if I come in in labor they will scan me again and if baby B is head down, we'll go for vaginal delivery.

The biggest surprise was their weights. A month ago they were both within an ounce of each other at 3lbs7oz and 3lbs6oz. I didn't expect them to be over 5lbs. HA! Baby A is (estimated at) 5lbs13oz and baby B at 6lbs0oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I'm so uncomfortable!! My dr and the peri were super happy with this and I am still just so shocked! They are growing in perfect unison honestly, and we feel very blessed.

I have a horrid, itchy rash all over my face and neck. Peri said it was likely PUPPS and wouldn't get better until after I delivered. That, combined with how big they already are, has him saying I can be induced or sectioned at 37 weeks, which is just 2 weeks from today (and incidentally, is 07/08/09, the date I've been wanting for months now!). I can't believe they will be here within 2 weeks!!!!

33 weeks today, another appointment

By calendar weeks I'm 33 weeks pregnant. According to how big my belly is I'm 44 weeks pregnant. Is that even possible?? It feels like it isn't, trust me. Everything sounded good in there (strong heartbeats at 160 - baby B and at 152 - baby A) and everything as far as I'm concerned looked good as well. He told me to eat more. I guess I can handle that, but nothing sounds good and I get full pretty fast. I am now off the procardia for contractions and we'll see how it goes. He basically put me on it so James and I could take our trip and not worry about contractions. I did take one this morning but now I'm fully out so we'll just wait and see! If I make it to 36 weeks (July 1) I can deliver here which would be awesome. If I go before that and they can't stop labor I have to go to Des Moines which I'd like to avoid, what with 3 other kids to look after around here! My dr mentioned something about "talking after 38 weeks" and I think the death glare I gave him was good enough to make him understand I hoped NOT to be pregnant anymore by then......

This week is Vacation Bible School at our church and I've been busy with that. It's harder than I imagined to be upright for that long. I have employed our sweet 10yo neighbor girl for 2 afternoons a week watching Caden and Avery while mommy and Declan nap. That is very nice! I'm trying to take it easy as much as possible.

James and I did go on our 4 day camping "adventure" together and it was truly a blast. We did nothing honestly. We shopped (a very little, but he was kind enough to go to a couple of consignment stores with me and actually feigned interest!) and we ate out a couple of times, but mostly we roasted marshmallows and talked and ate and laughed and read some of The Love Dare book (from the movie FireProof) and we were responsible for NO ONE other than ourselves. We found it VERY easy to get used to doing nothing, surprisingly easy in fact. James was an absolute sweetheart to me (as usual) and I rarely had to get myself anything. He even did all the cooking and roasting marshmallows! I assembled the smores with the twins' help - my tummy is so out there I just stacked them on top of each other right on my belly! We are very excited about our baby girls to come. It seems so surreal but yet we know they're coming and overall everyone is doing well. We were able to talk openly about how much work it's going to be and how much we're going to need each other and our friends and family, but I know he's in it for the long haul and that feels great.

These twins are excited to meet their family!

I must sound like a lot of fun on the outside, because last night we had to stop some pre-term labor!

I was in Wal-Mart around 4pm yesterday and started feeling crampy. I can get that sometimes while walking so I didn't think much of it. By the time I got done I was in pain, but of course I didn't ask anyone for help, I lugged all the milk gallons and juice and all of my bags to the van, returned the cart to the cart corrall (huge pet peeve, lol), came back to my van, sat down and started having to breathe hard through the pain. I decided I better call my drs office (it was a few minutes until 5pm) when the contractions went away, and then came back every couple of minutes pretty regularly.

Long story short, I got in there and they were 1 minute apart. Not hugely painful, but definitely contractions. I got a shot of terbutaline and they started an IV with fluids...things settled down and when the first bag of fluids was almost gone the contractions started up again. So then over the course of the next 3 hours I had 5 pills of procardia and more fluid. I was super uncomfy but I think that had more to do with the way I was laying on the exam table and all of that. I am NOT dilated and my dr took some fibronectin test which came back negative (meaning I'm NOT likely to go into labor soon, very good news). I was glad to get home, for sure. I have to take one pill of the procardia every 8 hours (probably until I deliver) but our dr gave us the go-ahead for our 4 day weekend without kids so I am thrilled about that for tomorrow! Since getting up this morning I have had one mild contraction but nothing huge. I guess being pregnant with twins really IS that different! I've never had issues like this before at all.

My dr thinks it had more to do with the fact I'd had diarrhea all day yesterday (sorry if TMI, but I like full disclosure) - it started everything cramping and then I over-did it and all of that. I think this was my wake-up call, however, that I cannot be doing as much as I used to. I'd like to think I can still do it all and keep the house clean and all of that, but I think that's a no.

My appointments today!

Today I started off the morning with my routine every-4-weeks ultrasound. My mom came along with me this morning and it was fun to share that with her! She's never seen an ultrasound happening before so it was a good time. No doubts anymore that I'm fibbing about there being 2 in there - I have a witness. :)

I'm 31 weeks today. The girls measured 3lbs 7oz and 3lbs 8oz (+/-10oz, lol) and they are both in position to try vaginal delivery, woo hoo!!! (Mostly I'm a weiner about a possible c-section.) The perinatologist said it doesn't get much more picture perfect than this. He doesn't want to see me back with him for another 4 weeks for another ultrasound, which would make me 35 weeks, wow!

My reg dr (saw him about an hour after the peri) said that the peri must be feeling REALLY comfortable with how things are going or he would have never allowed me to wait so long between ultrasounds, so this is good! At my reg appt I gained 3 pounds (up 19 pounds total), bp was excellent at 110/54, fetal heart tones were both found easily again. I am going every 2 weeks and have been for quite a few weeks already. Get ready for this - I am measuring 40-41 weeks gestation at 31 weeks. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, 40 weeks is a full-term single baby. So I am as big as if I had one baby in there and I was ready to deliver. And alas, I have weeks and weeks to go/grow yet! I got into the minivan after camping this weekend and had to move the seat back - so over the course of 3 days I know I grew quite a bit. Of course it had nothing to do with the number of smores I had. Hey, one for each beating heart inside me, yes??

Declan's 1 year portraits...

taken at 16+ months, today 5/26/09. It's WITHIN the age of 1 year, yes?

Click here to see the pictures

password: declan

And Caden knocks my socks off!

Just when God thought I had been wallowing long enough in my pity party, He sent a huge gift via my firstborn.

Tonight James had to leave for church a little early, which left me with all the kids when I already wasn't feeling very well at all. Before James left, Caden had taken his diaper off and was running around stark naked, nothing new there. I happened to be sitting on our bed and Caden came into our bedroom, pointing at his bottom, grimacing and whining. "Caden, do you need to go potty?" "NO!" came the immediate reply, which is his FAVORITE word these days, so joyous. So I change it up a bit. "Caden, do you need a diaper on?" "Yeah!" to which I replied, "No buddy, let's go sit on the potty." He grabbed my hand and I sat him on our toilet in our master bathroom. I showed him how to point it down and he was NOT impressed with mommy bugging him there, so I was pushed aside. I decided to take a step away and not really pay attention, and there is was, the sound of pee hitting the floor. WHO THE GLORY CARES, it's urine, it came from Caden and it was nearly immediate after being placed on the potty!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I started whooping it up and all of that, walking back toward him to get ready to wipe up the pee when HOLY SMACK, poop hit the water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A double whammy of goodness!!! We were all so proud, SO PROUD!!!!

I got him wiped up (I thought) and we headed to start getting ready for bed. He decided to make a detour into Avery's room (still naked) and climb up on her bed. I called for him from his bedroom when it dawned on me - he scoots himself to dismount a bed and I'm not totally sure his bottom is clean....please don't tell Avery anything but we need to do some laundry in the morning.

One of those RTS days, I guess.

And yesterday, RTS stood for "Really Tough Sh!t".

It was Mother's Day. And I am admittedly grouchy and punchy lately. I probably have hurt some feelings and have a few apologies to make but at the moment the best I can do is to admit I am bitchy and move on from there.

The kids actually let me sleep in (James had to be at church early) so that was a VERY nice gift! I got up with them and we got ready for church and Caden was alredy somewhat agitated once we got to church because daddy had to go up front to sing during our service and wasn't sitting with us. He was asking for "daaaaaaaadddddy!!" and whining some, but then it came time for him to leave for Children's Worship and all was well. We made it through and then went to family's house for lunch together which was very nice. I think my neice may have broken her arm but I haven't heard from SIL so I am going to assume that she's ok for now.

After lunch we had decided to take a 1 hour + drive to see a campground that James and I will be camping at (without children!!) in a few weeks. We wanted to see what the campground was like and all of that. That went fine until James decided it was Caden's turn to hold the personal DVD player instead of Avery (who usually holds it in such a way that she and Caden can both see it and does a very nice job of it). Caden doesn't do such a nice job of it. He pushes the button to turn the screen off and on. He turns it away from Avery (which elicits an hugely unnecessary shrieking fit from her) and he just generally does what he can be to a pistol about it. Now, I understand that it might not seem "fair" that Caden never gets to hold it, but honestly, he cannot handle it. And I in turn cannot handle the subsequent hollering from Avery (again, not necessary but she's female and 4, what do you expect?) and general extreme referreeing I have to do. But I must say, with Avery I can reason with her and she understands the concept on consequence - and we made it very clear that if she kept hollering she would not be having any sort of snack or drink. Problem solved, for the next few minutes anyway.

Then we go to Target where I plan to return 3 items and come right back out. James suggests we all go in together. He knows shopping is my favorite gig ever and bumming around Target for clearance is quite high up there on my fun list and it's Mother's Day - a truly sweet suggestion James but I should have known better. We pile them all in the store and within a minute Caden has started his whining, grunting, "I'm irritated" noise - mostly due to the fact that we don't allow the pacifier to accompany him into buildings. And it's loud. And it receives stares (which truly DOES NOT bother me, but I want you be aware of what we're dealing with here). So we're trying to look for things here and there and during this time Caden wanders off twice - instant "into the cart" rule. And he isn't happy, so the whining crescendos. Long story short, we bought C batteries and toilet paper, James grabbed Caden and brought him to the van while I checked out with Avery and Declan (always the super troopers) and we headed home.

The ride home was pretty much silent. Caden fell asleep nearly immediately, Declan had napped a little bit and was content to chatter a bit to himself and Avery was singing, rather quietly which was nice. The silence was finally broken when I said to James, "Does it even feel to you like Caden ruins most of our family outings?" and James concurred. And that, my friends, is Really Tough Sh!t. It's the truth and the truth hurts. While I don't wish (anymore) for Caden not to have RTS (the syndrome), the truth is the wish is very much there for him to be more normal. I can't FATHOM what he would be like without RTS as it's the very essence of who he is, but I suppose I wish I could tailor RTS to suit our family's needs better. And can you even imagine, do you even KNOW how much it breaks a mother's heart to wish that your kid wasn't the way they are? To look at him, my heart adores him, but in the very same heartbeat, I want something different for him, for all of us. I want it to be FUN to go out and do things together as a family. I wish we didn't have to curb the things we do because Caden can't handle it, won't understand it, won't cooperate, doesn't understand consequence so there's no punishment that works...the list goes on.

And these are the moments where you feel very, very alone. James doesn't get it in the same way I do. He doesn't deal with him for as many hours as I do. And he isn't currently pregnant, either, which makes him a LOT more even-tempered, lol. Caden is ageless, in so many ways...I don't even think about what he would be doing as a typical 6.5 year old because I can't even imagine it. I tell people that I have a 6yo, 4yo and 16mon old and they say, "Oh, your 6 and 4yos will be a big help with the twins!" and I think, "No, no, no, he's honestly MORE work than the rest of them combined!!" but yet I just nod - what can you say?

I don't like asking for help with him. I feel like he's "my problem" - one I never asked for but apparently I needed. And he acts so dang good for others! At home it's where we have issues. I suppose that makes sense in terms of how we all behave differently at home and I am glad he's comfortable here obviously. It's just...different.

I'm throwing this all out there for heaven-knows-what reason. Some because I think I inadvertantly portray that everything's a-ok for us when it comes to Caden - and mostly, it is, but there are days, and then those days spiral downward so fast because it's all been building up. Some because these feelings are real and raw, and I think it needs to be ok to share them. And some because I just need a hug.

A year ago today...

Avery's potty training began. Remember that saga? That was fun to read. She is quite the Avery.

The reason I can even remember those sorts of details? Today is also my parent's wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary mom and dad!! We love you!

Today Caden walked part of the parade route with his Kindergarten class. He was so cute in his Dutch costume. The rain cleared off and the weather turned out to be beautiful this afternoon so Tulip Time started off just fine! We are now done with our Tulip Time committments - time will tell if we go back uptown to do anything else. I know I'd prefer just to stay away from it all, but the food is truly calling me....

An overview of our life

My SIL (sister in law, for those of you who aren't internet lingo savvy) started a letter today that got the ball rolling for the rest of us. I thought I would share the portion we wrote to update all the rest of you!! --

Hey, I'll chime in. We're doing our usual - James nearly passed out in front of the tv and me parked at the computer. I really should have my feet up but alas, I do not. So sue me. If someone would buy us a laptop then I could do as I should and have my feet up. But alas, they have not. So sue them.

We found 6 wood ticks either attached to or near our children's heads tonight within the course of 30 minutes. That's disgusting, but it is just about our biggest news. So we do not have new pets, just new ticks.

I think we might go camping this weekend. Caden was supposed to be involved in 3 parades during Tulip Time but we have narrowed it down to only 1 parade on Thursday afternoon that he is involved in. So after that we're happy to be doing not much of anything at all. Time will tell if we go camping or not....we have loaded up the bed of the pickup with TONS of junk from around here so that has to go to the landfill before we can haul a camper to the campground. We joked that it would be funny to pull up in a crowded area of the campground with all that junk in there, spill all the kids out, start waddling around with my hands on my back and start yelling at James and the kids - wouldn't that be funny???? Yeah, only to us I think. But the mental picture is kinda funny.

School is winding down, and that means tons of field trips for Caden. He is going to the zoo with his spec ed class, then to the Youth Special Olympics (his best event is cycling, aren't you proud grandpa??), then to the zoo again with kindergarten...maybe. We'll see how he does with all of it and go from there. His last day will be June 2, barring any unforseen H1N1 battles (I try to be PC at every turn, you know, don't want any swines to be offended). Caden will be repeating Kindergarten next year, but isn't allowed to have the same K teacher (sniffle).

Avery only has 3 more preschool sessions left and then she graduates - back to the same preschool! Only next year she is doing 3 afternoons a week compared to the current 2 mornings a week. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how it's all going to work out but I know God will make a way. After that the plan is that she will go to Kindergarten (in her words) "at Nathaniel and Emma and Tressa and Jacob's school!!!!!" and she is excited for Kindergarten when that time comes as well, but for now she is very content to go back to the same preschool, the house she knows, the teachers she "loves" (her words again) - and we are excited for her!

Declan. What can I say seriously? He melts you like a stick of butter on high in the microwave. He gets CRAPLOADS of attention when we go places - oh, he's so cute! How old? Oh, he WAVED at me!!! He is like a mini-celebrity and it's hilarious to me, not so fun to Avery but we are trying HARD to make sure she doesn't get lost in the shuffle of special needs older brother and super cuddle younger brother...and then indentical twin girls to follow up. He is a crawler now (FINALLY!) at 15 months and he goes places! Lately he's been sick with some crud and is back on breathing treatments but we hope he's turning the corner.

I'm feeling good! 28 weeks tomorrow and going strong, although I must admit that having a kitchen with concrete floor is MURDER on my back, legs and ankles by the end of the day. I am just nesting away, both inside and out and it's fun to see the progress, though at times the babes destroy it faster than I can clean it. Our pastor's wife gifted me with a certificate she won for 3 hours of cleaning service but I have no idea how to use it. Probably showers I guess, unless she's willing to change a diaper or two. That's truly dirty.