Tuesday, July 15, 2014
AuntSue...
Who are you? I just want to reach out and give you a squeeze every time I see you respond to a post of mine. Thank you for your encouragement!! If you get a chance, would you shoot me an email and tell me a bit about yourself/ves? I would love to know you more!!
Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Today is...
my baby girls' 5th birthday. How can my BABIES be FIVE??? It chokes me up. We never had more than 3.5 years between any of our kids. And now...the littles are 5. I just can't really comprehend it.
Today is also the 2 year anniversary of our house fire. Yes, it HAD TO happen on the same day. I hate that, but hey, at least it's easy to remember. No, I really don't want to joke about it and make light of it. IT SUCKS that it happened on the same day. I said I wasn't going to think about it much today, but I truly can't help it. Right now, 2:15 is the exact time I made the 911 call to tell them our home was on fire and was going to be fully engulfed at any time. Avery and Declan screamed in the back seat. Their worst fear, playing out in front of their very eyes. I just felt so helpless. No one could help. Not in the way I needed them to. I needed a complete fix.
And so it is with my twins. Each year of their life they get closer to the day when they can no longer take that flight of stairs, can no longer walk "that far", can no longer move without pain. I need a complete fix. No one can help. I feel very helpless. I love seeing them grow in knowledge and understanding, but with agony I realize that growth means they are hurdling toward the days of wheelchairs and accessible vans. Right now they are carefree and full of life. They love life, they love to run and play and jump HIGH! I want that for them forever. I'm honestly not dwelling on it, but I would be lying if I didn't say each birthday for them is somewhat bittersweet. I know moms say they want their kids to stay little forever. I really REALLY mean it for my girls.
But God has other plans. God sees the future and, thankfully, I cannot. I won't dwell. I will write this out, close the computer and go play with the new five-year-olds. I will take them to Applebee's tonight and pick up their monkey cake from Dairy Queen and give them pieces big enough to make their eyes sparkle with excitement. I will kiss them and love them and promise my love for all of my years. Thankfully, with each passing year, God also grows my heart just a little bigger so I can pour out more of Him into each of them.
Today is also the 2 year anniversary of our house fire. Yes, it HAD TO happen on the same day. I hate that, but hey, at least it's easy to remember. No, I really don't want to joke about it and make light of it. IT SUCKS that it happened on the same day. I said I wasn't going to think about it much today, but I truly can't help it. Right now, 2:15 is the exact time I made the 911 call to tell them our home was on fire and was going to be fully engulfed at any time. Avery and Declan screamed in the back seat. Their worst fear, playing out in front of their very eyes. I just felt so helpless. No one could help. Not in the way I needed them to. I needed a complete fix.
And so it is with my twins. Each year of their life they get closer to the day when they can no longer take that flight of stairs, can no longer walk "that far", can no longer move without pain. I need a complete fix. No one can help. I feel very helpless. I love seeing them grow in knowledge and understanding, but with agony I realize that growth means they are hurdling toward the days of wheelchairs and accessible vans. Right now they are carefree and full of life. They love life, they love to run and play and jump HIGH! I want that for them forever. I'm honestly not dwelling on it, but I would be lying if I didn't say each birthday for them is somewhat bittersweet. I know moms say they want their kids to stay little forever. I really REALLY mean it for my girls.
But God has other plans. God sees the future and, thankfully, I cannot. I won't dwell. I will write this out, close the computer and go play with the new five-year-olds. I will take them to Applebee's tonight and pick up their monkey cake from Dairy Queen and give them pieces big enough to make their eyes sparkle with excitement. I will kiss them and love them and promise my love for all of my years. Thankfully, with each passing year, God also grows my heart just a little bigger so I can pour out more of Him into each of them.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Sixteen years of marriage means...
Tomorrow marks 16 years since the day I married James. To say these 16 years have been easy would be to lie. They haven't been easy. But they've been worth it. Everything. Worth it.
Avery told me today that she realized it was 5 years of marriage before we had kids. "Why was that, mom?" she wanted to know. Good question. When James asked my dad if he could marry me, my dad said I wasn't ready. And honestly, he was right. I wasn't. We did a heck of a lot of growing up in those 5 years. We made some mistakes that should have ended our marriage, but we fought for it and came out on top. Those years were terribly difficult, but those years were very necessary. Looking back, those were the years that taught us how to be a couple. They taught us that just because you never fight doesn't mean that you have a great relationship. They taught us that communication was key. The rest is just details, but you must must MUST communicate. Those years taught us to fight for what's worth it, to let go of what isn't, and to love with all your heart. We learned that our marriage was not 50/50 but 100/100. And we gave it 100% each. Those years broke our hearts, but not our spirits.
And then came children. The first one, bursting into the world with rapid speed for a first delivery, but yet, something was so not right. Those days and weeks were agonizing. There was something so.not.right yet our hearts swelled with pride. We loved him. He needed us. And that was all that mattered. The months and first year were filled with doctors appointments, therapists, diagnoses and a constant longing for "typical". Typical was not to be for our first born. Once that desire began to wane...no, once we decided that we didn't necessarily even WANT it anymore, we began to relax. We loved, no matter what. We accepted, unconditionally. We saw that slow was fast enough, and we embraced it.
Of course, it wasn't perfect, and we didn't do it perfectly. We grieve sometimes, and that's ok.
The second born, just 22 months after the first, was sugar and spice and everything nice. We marveled in her easiness. We marveled at how easily she figured things out. She was, by our standards, a prodigy! She was so easy to love, and continues to be so.
The third we waited a bit for, but he was worth the wait. He was so SO sweet. You've never met a sweeter baby. He was amiable and quiet and slept through the night lickety-split. His older siblings adored him and so did we all. He was SO easy, in fact, that I talked James into "just one more" when he was only 10 months old...
Halfway through that "just one more" 4th pregnancy came the news that just one more was going to be TWO MORE. Twins. And oh, was I overwhelmed at the thoughts. On July 8, 2009 those identical twin girls came into our family, moving us from a family of 6 for 3 minutes' worth of time to a family of 7 forever. Their first year was a blur. I survived. I made it. Oh it was hard, and I had 4 in diapers for quite some time. But I was thankful. Grateful for the ability to carry these precious ones to term and care for them while James worked hard to provide for our family.
When the twins were not quite 2 they became sick. It wasn't your usual sick, it was the inability for them to move their bodies. They were locked inside there, for weeks on end. We were terrified, but they slowly came around. They were back to high chairs for feeding and eating from a spoon instead of from their own hands. But they were coming around. And then. The unthinkable happened. On their 3rd birthday we came home to decorate the cupcakes we'd baked that morning and found our beautiful home, the home James had spent years remodeling, fully engulfed with flames. The horror of standing in your yard, watching everything, everything you loved and had painstakingly chosen as your identity disappear with you being helpless to stop it...indescribable. But we had each other. We were all together. We were heartbroken, but we were together. We had our camper to sleep in. We had loads of love from our friends and family.
And we've rebuilt. We live in a home that we've rebuilt that is fully handicap accessible for those twins, now diagnosed with Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. I am decorating it and making it mine again. There are holes in the walls and scratches in the floors already, but it is ours. There's landscaping to be done. There's a playset to be put together. And there's loads of love inside.
Tomorrow marks 16 years of marriage. We've experienced more than most. We've loved harder and cared deeper and feared more than most. But through it all we have each other. And we have the 5 beautiful, imperfect children we've created. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you James. Happy Anniversary.
Avery told me today that she realized it was 5 years of marriage before we had kids. "Why was that, mom?" she wanted to know. Good question. When James asked my dad if he could marry me, my dad said I wasn't ready. And honestly, he was right. I wasn't. We did a heck of a lot of growing up in those 5 years. We made some mistakes that should have ended our marriage, but we fought for it and came out on top. Those years were terribly difficult, but those years were very necessary. Looking back, those were the years that taught us how to be a couple. They taught us that just because you never fight doesn't mean that you have a great relationship. They taught us that communication was key. The rest is just details, but you must must MUST communicate. Those years taught us to fight for what's worth it, to let go of what isn't, and to love with all your heart. We learned that our marriage was not 50/50 but 100/100. And we gave it 100% each. Those years broke our hearts, but not our spirits.
And then came children. The first one, bursting into the world with rapid speed for a first delivery, but yet, something was so not right. Those days and weeks were agonizing. There was something so.not.right yet our hearts swelled with pride. We loved him. He needed us. And that was all that mattered. The months and first year were filled with doctors appointments, therapists, diagnoses and a constant longing for "typical". Typical was not to be for our first born. Once that desire began to wane...no, once we decided that we didn't necessarily even WANT it anymore, we began to relax. We loved, no matter what. We accepted, unconditionally. We saw that slow was fast enough, and we embraced it.
Of course, it wasn't perfect, and we didn't do it perfectly. We grieve sometimes, and that's ok.
The second born, just 22 months after the first, was sugar and spice and everything nice. We marveled in her easiness. We marveled at how easily she figured things out. She was, by our standards, a prodigy! She was so easy to love, and continues to be so.
The third we waited a bit for, but he was worth the wait. He was so SO sweet. You've never met a sweeter baby. He was amiable and quiet and slept through the night lickety-split. His older siblings adored him and so did we all. He was SO easy, in fact, that I talked James into "just one more" when he was only 10 months old...
Halfway through that "just one more" 4th pregnancy came the news that just one more was going to be TWO MORE. Twins. And oh, was I overwhelmed at the thoughts. On July 8, 2009 those identical twin girls came into our family, moving us from a family of 6 for 3 minutes' worth of time to a family of 7 forever. Their first year was a blur. I survived. I made it. Oh it was hard, and I had 4 in diapers for quite some time. But I was thankful. Grateful for the ability to carry these precious ones to term and care for them while James worked hard to provide for our family.
When the twins were not quite 2 they became sick. It wasn't your usual sick, it was the inability for them to move their bodies. They were locked inside there, for weeks on end. We were terrified, but they slowly came around. They were back to high chairs for feeding and eating from a spoon instead of from their own hands. But they were coming around. And then. The unthinkable happened. On their 3rd birthday we came home to decorate the cupcakes we'd baked that morning and found our beautiful home, the home James had spent years remodeling, fully engulfed with flames. The horror of standing in your yard, watching everything, everything you loved and had painstakingly chosen as your identity disappear with you being helpless to stop it...indescribable. But we had each other. We were all together. We were heartbroken, but we were together. We had our camper to sleep in. We had loads of love from our friends and family.
And we've rebuilt. We live in a home that we've rebuilt that is fully handicap accessible for those twins, now diagnosed with Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. I am decorating it and making it mine again. There are holes in the walls and scratches in the floors already, but it is ours. There's landscaping to be done. There's a playset to be put together. And there's loads of love inside.
Tomorrow marks 16 years of marriage. We've experienced more than most. We've loved harder and cared deeper and feared more than most. But through it all we have each other. And we have the 5 beautiful, imperfect children we've created. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love you James. Happy Anniversary.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Five months, really?
It's been 5 months since I wrote anything here. I like to write. I do. So why am I not using it as an outlet? I think it's time to pick up the pen once again. Or hammer on the keys. That actually feels more cathartic.
Tonight we're facing a strong line of Iowa thunderstorms. I've been prepping the kids for it all day. NOT SURE why, because honestly, they act like morons at the THOUGHT of storms. Well, not all of them, just the 3 youngest. So I prepped them a bit, but then came actual thunder. Oh lord, the thunder. I made a huge exception and allowed all of them (except Caden, who wanted to be in his bed, bless him) to snuggle under blankets on the couch to fall asleep. This lasted about 5 minutes before they started filtering in, with the "I'm scaaaaaaared!" routine.
Which I understand. When I was about 6 I remember being terrified of storms, and once my dad took me outside INTO THE FACE OF THE STORM to "get brave" about it. Folks, that didn't work. I have always had a very vivid imagination and this was just too much for me. I thought I might get sucked into the wind. Not a good move for me, and one I'm not willing to risk with my scaredy-cats.
So yes, Declan was scared. So I made another big exception and allowed him to sleep on our floor, but I made a few rules. #1. Lay down. #2. Don't be a jerk. #3. Be quiet. Declan couldn't handle any of the 3. He was lunging at the dog and just generally being ridiculous. And he was laughing, showing absolutely no signs of being scaaaaaared. I gave too many warnings and then finally carried him upstairs to the room he shares with Avery (he has his own room, but he's been "too scared" to sleep in it since we moved in...sigh).
He screamed. Boy can scream. He screamed bloody murder for 15 solid minutes. I know why some animals eat their young.
Finally we asked Avery (bless her heart) to go up with him, and James offered to go as well (bless HIS heart). It is now quiet upstairs. Declan has my ipod and is listening to the Frozen soundtrack. Macey and Madelyn finally cashed out on our bedroom floor next to Chloe's kennel. The dog is having some sort of dream in said kennel where she is outrunning a Great Dane. Caden is fast asleep in his bed and James is just tucking himself in as well after coming downstairs. I am blogging. And sipping a Diet Dew. Most all is right with our little world.
Please storms, be as quiet as possible tonight. Mama's tired.
Tonight we're facing a strong line of Iowa thunderstorms. I've been prepping the kids for it all day. NOT SURE why, because honestly, they act like morons at the THOUGHT of storms. Well, not all of them, just the 3 youngest. So I prepped them a bit, but then came actual thunder. Oh lord, the thunder. I made a huge exception and allowed all of them (except Caden, who wanted to be in his bed, bless him) to snuggle under blankets on the couch to fall asleep. This lasted about 5 minutes before they started filtering in, with the "I'm scaaaaaaared!" routine.
Which I understand. When I was about 6 I remember being terrified of storms, and once my dad took me outside INTO THE FACE OF THE STORM to "get brave" about it. Folks, that didn't work. I have always had a very vivid imagination and this was just too much for me. I thought I might get sucked into the wind. Not a good move for me, and one I'm not willing to risk with my scaredy-cats.
So yes, Declan was scared. So I made another big exception and allowed him to sleep on our floor, but I made a few rules. #1. Lay down. #2. Don't be a jerk. #3. Be quiet. Declan couldn't handle any of the 3. He was lunging at the dog and just generally being ridiculous. And he was laughing, showing absolutely no signs of being scaaaaaared. I gave too many warnings and then finally carried him upstairs to the room he shares with Avery (he has his own room, but he's been "too scared" to sleep in it since we moved in...sigh).
He screamed. Boy can scream. He screamed bloody murder for 15 solid minutes. I know why some animals eat their young.
Finally we asked Avery (bless her heart) to go up with him, and James offered to go as well (bless HIS heart). It is now quiet upstairs. Declan has my ipod and is listening to the Frozen soundtrack. Macey and Madelyn finally cashed out on our bedroom floor next to Chloe's kennel. The dog is having some sort of dream in said kennel where she is outrunning a Great Dane. Caden is fast asleep in his bed and James is just tucking himself in as well after coming downstairs. I am blogging. And sipping a Diet Dew. Most all is right with our little world.
Please storms, be as quiet as possible tonight. Mama's tired.
Saturday, January 04, 2014
You take the good, you take the bad...
I really thought we were getting all on the mend over here. The twins have been done throwing up for a few days now. We finally settled on the right meds for Caden's miserable ear infection. We were getting there!!
And then Declan throws up in the wee hours of the morning. And Avery follows just a few hours later. And they continued right up until bedtime. They are both loosely tucked in with towels and buckets...
But you know what? I'm so thankful. I am thankful that we are warm and cozy at home for them to be comfortable. I am thankful it is MY OWN CARPET they're hurling on, I own it (or at least it's my mortgage on it, lol) and I don't have to worry about stains. I am thankful that they waited until we were home from our trip to deluge the home with illness because really, who wants to be sick away from home? I am thankful, that's what I feel overall. Thankful.
And then Declan throws up in the wee hours of the morning. And Avery follows just a few hours later. And they continued right up until bedtime. They are both loosely tucked in with towels and buckets...
But you know what? I'm so thankful. I am thankful that we are warm and cozy at home for them to be comfortable. I am thankful it is MY OWN CARPET they're hurling on, I own it (or at least it's my mortgage on it, lol) and I don't have to worry about stains. I am thankful that they waited until we were home from our trip to deluge the home with illness because really, who wants to be sick away from home? I am thankful, that's what I feel overall. Thankful.
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
Soooo over it
Alright. Not even 24 hours into 2014 and I am SO over it. It being sickness.
I think we finally have Caden's massive ear infection figured out, but it took 3 ER visits and countless hours of him sobbing during the night. Tomorrow he has to go back to the clinic for a follow up and possibly more antibiotic injections AND we have to wrestle the brute down for drops 4x a day. After holding him down he said with all the fury he could muster: "THAT'S NOT NICE!!!!" HE MAD.
Then the twins have been vomiting off and on since Saturday...Madelyn screamed about her ear hurting a couple of days ago along with the vomiting so I started her on antibiotics that we had in case of strep throat during our Montana trip (we have the world's best doctor, just fyi). Well, Madelyn is STILL throwing up and of course tonight she begged to sleep in Avery's bed and yes, you guessed it, puked all over in Avery's bed just after bedtime. So Avery is bawling because "she threw up all over my STUUUUFFFFFFF!" and I'm ready to be mad at Madelyn for her puking (I know, stellar mom moment) and just GAH!!!
Macey felt like she had a fever when I kissed her goodnight. I'm guessing the odds are in my favor that she does indeed have a fever upon waking. I do also have antibiotics left for her but really REALLY don't like to use them unless I know for sure there's a problem...
And Declan. The only one without real issues, except Madelyn slid down the slide on his loft bed last night and her toenail scraped along the fleshy part of his hand. And you'd think he was dying, right on his deathbed.
HAPPY FREAKIN' 2014!!!! It's not starting off nice, but I bet we'll see brighter days ahead. We better, anyway.
I think we finally have Caden's massive ear infection figured out, but it took 3 ER visits and countless hours of him sobbing during the night. Tomorrow he has to go back to the clinic for a follow up and possibly more antibiotic injections AND we have to wrestle the brute down for drops 4x a day. After holding him down he said with all the fury he could muster: "THAT'S NOT NICE!!!!" HE MAD.
Then the twins have been vomiting off and on since Saturday...Madelyn screamed about her ear hurting a couple of days ago along with the vomiting so I started her on antibiotics that we had in case of strep throat during our Montana trip (we have the world's best doctor, just fyi). Well, Madelyn is STILL throwing up and of course tonight she begged to sleep in Avery's bed and yes, you guessed it, puked all over in Avery's bed just after bedtime. So Avery is bawling because "she threw up all over my STUUUUFFFFFFF!" and I'm ready to be mad at Madelyn for her puking (I know, stellar mom moment) and just GAH!!!
Macey felt like she had a fever when I kissed her goodnight. I'm guessing the odds are in my favor that she does indeed have a fever upon waking. I do also have antibiotics left for her but really REALLY don't like to use them unless I know for sure there's a problem...
And Declan. The only one without real issues, except Madelyn slid down the slide on his loft bed last night and her toenail scraped along the fleshy part of his hand. And you'd think he was dying, right on his deathbed.
HAPPY FREAKIN' 2014!!!! It's not starting off nice, but I bet we'll see brighter days ahead. We better, anyway.
Thursday, September 05, 2013
On Wednesday when I picked Declan up from Kindergarten his teacher bent down to him sweetly and said, "Declan, what are we not going to say on Friday?" My heart hit my butt and he insisted he had no idea. I tried to figure out a way to explain that my 3 youngest use the phrase "stupid idiot" like "chocolate milk" when she said, "Remember, we are going to only say I CAN DO IT! or I WILL TRY!" WHEW. Declan had only pulled out the ol' "I caaaaaaan't" mantra, not anything else.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
God has been using one of my love languages (Facebook! hahahaha) to really get through to me lately. In the past days several people have shared things with me or shared things themselves that have spoken to me loud and clear. Here are two of them:
"I am continually at work in your life, even when you can see nothing happening. It’s easy for you to feel stuck in a situation you’d like to change because you can see only the present moment. But I look at the big picture—all the moments of your life—and I am doing more than you can imagine." -Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 302 (need to track down this book!!)
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John16:33
I am really trying to be still and listen right now. It isn't easy, but it's something simple I can commit to.
"I am continually at work in your life, even when you can see nothing happening. It’s easy for you to feel stuck in a situation you’d like to change because you can see only the present moment. But I look at the big picture—all the moments of your life—and I am doing more than you can imagine." -Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 302 (need to track down this book!!)
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John16:33
I am really trying to be still and listen right now. It isn't easy, but it's something simple I can commit to.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Something's missing...
God, I feel like you have betrayed me. I have trusted for so many years but now, every morning, I wake up just sad. Sad, all the time. I haven't been brave enough to share this with anyone until just now. I don't know how to reconcile how hurt I am with what I know about You from forever in my past. Right now you are far away and you are quiet. I don't need my friends and family to tell me I need to reach out to you - maybe you could throw me a bone now and again. I'd really like that joy that comes from deep within and the "peace that passes understanding" but for now, I feel completely empty inside, and it honestly feels like you don't care. I realize this is the only way I have communicated to you in several days, but I really am not sure what to do. I will keep on keeping on, as I always do, but something is missing and I have no idea what.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Raw honesty...
This isn't going to be a pretty blog post. It isn't going to be one that gives you a laugh and lets you walk away from the computer lighthearted.
This is honest.
I am depressed. It is kicking my butt. I thought all along I have been doing ok with it. And I WAS...sorta. I've dealt with depression since high school, and have dealt also with knowing I have bipolar since the early 2000s. I've dealt with them and I have really found the right combo of meds which help me to function well and more importantly, to FEEL well. But now, that is all being threatened.
I'm sure it's situational, and I give myself some credit there, but at the same time, it is so disappointing, scary and frustrating. On one hand, I think I might be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have crazy "flashbacks" of the fire, my heart races, I can't breathe, I can't calm down, I can't function. And again, that's understandable. I'm seeking some help for it but then comes depression. Depression is one of those silent things. One of those things where you think you're doing ok. You tell yourself you're doing ok for SO LONG that by the time you accept you're really struggling, you're past the point.
I'm sleeping. All the time. I fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day...with the kids. I snap at my kids. I cry over everything. I usually cry when I look at my twins. I see them, running, twirling, playing and I think...one day, they won't be able to do that. One day, they won't be able to do anything but sit in a wheelchair. And my heart feels like it's so heavy over that it sits in my gut. I find myself avoiding them. I don't want to see how sweet and cute and funny they are because I fear one day that will all be gone and those memories will hurt too much.
I'm becoming angry about the fire. Moreso than before. I'm angry that we lost everything. I'm angry that the subsequent house building is taking so long...and that is no one's problem but the weather! I can rationalize all of it, but it still just angers me. I'm so upset that it feels like we have NOTHING to look forward to. I am truly feeling HOPEless. Nothing's happening. Nothing's moving forward. I feel stuck. Completely stuck.
I don't want to do anything. I barely want to go anywhere. I just fake it. Force myself. Keep moving. And that's something that lots of moms have to do, but I feel like I am moving underwater to get anything done.
I don't talk about it a lot. I have barely shared this with ANYONE at this point. I'm afraid of reactions. I'm afraid that people will think I'm being a drama queen. I'm afraid. Of a lot.
Depression is something we just don't talk about in America. And I think we need to. Real people live with it every day...probably a lot of people that you know.
I needed to get this out. I'm deciding to trust a lot of you with it, if you'll take the time. As I said, I am seeking help for it, the appointments just had to be changed and I am waiting on them. Until then, I would love your prayers.
This is honest.
I am depressed. It is kicking my butt. I thought all along I have been doing ok with it. And I WAS...sorta. I've dealt with depression since high school, and have dealt also with knowing I have bipolar since the early 2000s. I've dealt with them and I have really found the right combo of meds which help me to function well and more importantly, to FEEL well. But now, that is all being threatened.
I'm sure it's situational, and I give myself some credit there, but at the same time, it is so disappointing, scary and frustrating. On one hand, I think I might be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have crazy "flashbacks" of the fire, my heart races, I can't breathe, I can't calm down, I can't function. And again, that's understandable. I'm seeking some help for it but then comes depression. Depression is one of those silent things. One of those things where you think you're doing ok. You tell yourself you're doing ok for SO LONG that by the time you accept you're really struggling, you're past the point.
I'm sleeping. All the time. I fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day...with the kids. I snap at my kids. I cry over everything. I usually cry when I look at my twins. I see them, running, twirling, playing and I think...one day, they won't be able to do that. One day, they won't be able to do anything but sit in a wheelchair. And my heart feels like it's so heavy over that it sits in my gut. I find myself avoiding them. I don't want to see how sweet and cute and funny they are because I fear one day that will all be gone and those memories will hurt too much.
I'm becoming angry about the fire. Moreso than before. I'm angry that we lost everything. I'm angry that the subsequent house building is taking so long...and that is no one's problem but the weather! I can rationalize all of it, but it still just angers me. I'm so upset that it feels like we have NOTHING to look forward to. I am truly feeling HOPEless. Nothing's happening. Nothing's moving forward. I feel stuck. Completely stuck.
I don't want to do anything. I barely want to go anywhere. I just fake it. Force myself. Keep moving. And that's something that lots of moms have to do, but I feel like I am moving underwater to get anything done.
I don't talk about it a lot. I have barely shared this with ANYONE at this point. I'm afraid of reactions. I'm afraid that people will think I'm being a drama queen. I'm afraid. Of a lot.
Depression is something we just don't talk about in America. And I think we need to. Real people live with it every day...probably a lot of people that you know.
I needed to get this out. I'm deciding to trust a lot of you with it, if you'll take the time. As I said, I am seeking help for it, the appointments just had to be changed and I am waiting on them. Until then, I would love your prayers.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Friday, January 04, 2013
In some more honest news...I totally blew it tonight. Totally, utterly and completely.
I only had about 300 calories remaining before supper. I blame the dear, sweet friend who brought me a homemade cinnamon roll today. (No, I LOVE her for it.) But I really didn't pay attention to that mere 300 calories and had pizza, plus Smores dessert pizza PLUS a regular Smore over the fireplace with my sweetie. Oh yeah. BLEW IT.
It's one meal. And deep down, I knew I was going to do it. Now the trick is...don't do it again tomorrow. Don't let one slip up become a landslide.
This, I can do.
I only had about 300 calories remaining before supper. I blame the dear, sweet friend who brought me a homemade cinnamon roll today. (No, I LOVE her for it.) But I really didn't pay attention to that mere 300 calories and had pizza, plus Smores dessert pizza PLUS a regular Smore over the fireplace with my sweetie. Oh yeah. BLEW IT.
It's one meal. And deep down, I knew I was going to do it. Now the trick is...don't do it again tomorrow. Don't let one slip up become a landslide.
This, I can do.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Yesterday's starting weight was not pretty. Not at all. When I FIRST started my weight loss journey 3 years ago I was 267. I was just 9 pounds under that yesterday, which means the 70+ I had lost had turned into 9. NINE. So sad.
But. There's nowhere to go but back down. And that's where I'm heading.
This morning I was down 1.6 pounds from yesterday. So in one day (plus 3 years, shhhh) I have now lost 10 pounds! Woo hoo!
And I actually exercised yesterday. Granted, it was 20 minutes of walking at only 2.5 (a few minutes at 3.0) and I was winded and sweating. But again. There's nowhere to go but healthier from here.
Some observations about my weight/size/health:
a) I am not able to go up a flight of stairs without breathing harder.
b) Carrying a twin (30ish pounds) up the same flight of stairs nearly makes me have to stop to collect my breath.
c) I have quite a few aches and pains in my joints.
d) It is difficult for me to bend over for the time it takes to help one of my kids get dressed or put shoes on.
e) I try to avoid squatting to help someone with shoes because I just about can't get up from that position.
f) I have a difficult time putting on socks and shoes (the bending over/forward part).
So there's some honesty for you. My hope is that, along with weight loss, all of these items will be things I have no problems with in a matter of a few months.
But. There's nowhere to go but back down. And that's where I'm heading.
This morning I was down 1.6 pounds from yesterday. So in one day (plus 3 years, shhhh) I have now lost 10 pounds! Woo hoo!
And I actually exercised yesterday. Granted, it was 20 minutes of walking at only 2.5 (a few minutes at 3.0) and I was winded and sweating. But again. There's nowhere to go but healthier from here.
Some observations about my weight/size/health:
a) I am not able to go up a flight of stairs without breathing harder.
b) Carrying a twin (30ish pounds) up the same flight of stairs nearly makes me have to stop to collect my breath.
c) I have quite a few aches and pains in my joints.
d) It is difficult for me to bend over for the time it takes to help one of my kids get dressed or put shoes on.
e) I try to avoid squatting to help someone with shoes because I just about can't get up from that position.
f) I have a difficult time putting on socks and shoes (the bending over/forward part).
So there's some honesty for you. My hope is that, along with weight loss, all of these items will be things I have no problems with in a matter of a few months.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
So it's 2013. I know, thank you, Captain Obvious. But I'm just feeling GOOD about this year. So many people make New Year's Resolutions. I never really have. I always SAID it was because of one thing or another, but the truth remains this: I never made them because I was terrified of failing. And now, I'm on the other side of a typical NYResolution fail - I lost almost 80 pounds and gained over 60 back. Truth be told, that sucks, it really does, but that doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change my personality or the fact that I could have the a$$ of a $40 mule and my kids would still adore me. It truly doesn't change ANYTHING (ok let's be honest, it does change what size clothing I wear and it changes some things obvious only to me in private moments, but I really can't type that out...).
I'm going to be honest here. This is going to be my "safe place" and I really don't care who reads it. To me, weight is just a number. To some it's a private word only to be shared with your doctor...and then only because s/he already saw it on the scale. But weight is a marker of where you've allowed yourself to go. You don't get fat from simply not exercising...you get fat from eating too much food. I have spent a lot of time eating too much food. I use food for comfort and the past 8 months have been torture in some emotional ways. I turned to food.
I am going to start learning some coping mechanisms that don't involve food. I am going to start being positive, even when I screw up. I am going to be proud of every stage my body is in. If I give the stages my kids are in my full embrace, of course I should do the same for me!
I'm going to be honest here. This is going to be my "safe place" and I really don't care who reads it. To me, weight is just a number. To some it's a private word only to be shared with your doctor...and then only because s/he already saw it on the scale. But weight is a marker of where you've allowed yourself to go. You don't get fat from simply not exercising...you get fat from eating too much food. I have spent a lot of time eating too much food. I use food for comfort and the past 8 months have been torture in some emotional ways. I turned to food.
I am going to start learning some coping mechanisms that don't involve food. I am going to start being positive, even when I screw up. I am going to be proud of every stage my body is in. If I give the stages my kids are in my full embrace, of course I should do the same for me!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
I'm going to write. I'm going to write, and I'm going to put it all out there. I lost lots of weight, but then I let life take over and I am totally fat again. And I hate it. I am not happy about it, but it is what it is and I will own it. I will own it and I will say, in 2013 I'm getting a handle on this. I am going to take ownership of my actions and of my life. I am going to have a new house. I am going to have 5 fully potty trained kids (we are alllllmost there). I am going to embrace the little things and love life and be cheerful and just DO IT. Let's roll.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
If you're a mom, you're probably familiar with that time in a child's development where they don't TECHNICALLY need naps, but you do. Ok, no, where they don't TECHNICALLY need naps but they are awful from about 4pm and thereafter. It's trying when they go through this. It's DOUBLY trying when it's twins going through it.
Tonight James ran to the store (it's super nice to live in town!) while I put the kids to bed. All went well until Macey decided she wants "up". Um, no, it's bedtime, it's not time to get up. Guess what happened today as a precursor? You're right, they had a nap. They had a horrible afternoon with multiple meltdowns so James and I tag teamed and brought them to their beds. They took a great nap, but here we are, paying dearly for it at bedtime.
Yes, she's still screaming.
And honestly, it would have been ok except the stairs in this house creak when you ascend or descend. I went down (sneaking through Caden's bedroom) and Macey knew it. Hence the screaming.
Note to self: when building, do not allow stairs to creak.
Tonight James ran to the store (it's super nice to live in town!) while I put the kids to bed. All went well until Macey decided she wants "up". Um, no, it's bedtime, it's not time to get up. Guess what happened today as a precursor? You're right, they had a nap. They had a horrible afternoon with multiple meltdowns so James and I tag teamed and brought them to their beds. They took a great nap, but here we are, paying dearly for it at bedtime.
Yes, she's still screaming.
And honestly, it would have been ok except the stairs in this house creak when you ascend or descend. I went down (sneaking through Caden's bedroom) and Macey knew it. Hence the screaming.
Note to self: when building, do not allow stairs to creak.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
It's so sweet, yet sad at the same time...
When we're driving around, Declan consistently points out what he deems "pretty houses". He tells me, "Mama, when the brown house (the one we're currently living in) burns down I want to find you a pretty house to live in."
He has such a beautiful, tender spirit at age 4. I hope with time he doesn't automatically assume every place we live is going to burn down. Although I would be lying if I said at 34 I didn't sometimes worry the exact same thing.
When we're driving around, Declan consistently points out what he deems "pretty houses". He tells me, "Mama, when the brown house (the one we're currently living in) burns down I want to find you a pretty house to live in."
He has such a beautiful, tender spirit at age 4. I hope with time he doesn't automatically assume every place we live is going to burn down. Although I would be lying if I said at 34 I didn't sometimes worry the exact same thing.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
We went camping this weekend. Yes, it was "cold", but that's a pretty relative term. The nights were cold but we made it. The kids slept well. It'll probably be our last time going out for the year, and we had a good time.
It was just me and James at the campfire for a while on Saturday night. We both sought the fire out. Sort of ironic, but yeah, it was cold. We wanted to build it bigger, higher. We find ourselves mesmerized by fire, how it just needs fuel and can just go on forever. We throw things in to watch them burn and we think, "I wonder what the kitchen looked like...." James slipped away for a minute and I was alone by the fire. It was captivating, and I couldn't stop watching it. Suddenly I very clearly heard God ask me if He could speak to me through the fire. He knew it had caused me great pain but wanted to be a comfort through the flames. I listened, and the message He had was simple, but astounding: "Fire doesn't seek to destroy, but to persist."
I needed that perspective change. Fire didn't destroy my life, but it has served to persist in helping us to move forward with hope. Sure, we're sad and it's not something we'll just get over super soon, but wow, just to persist. I can do that. I can persist, in spite of fire. I can persist, no matter what.
It was just me and James at the campfire for a while on Saturday night. We both sought the fire out. Sort of ironic, but yeah, it was cold. We wanted to build it bigger, higher. We find ourselves mesmerized by fire, how it just needs fuel and can just go on forever. We throw things in to watch them burn and we think, "I wonder what the kitchen looked like...." James slipped away for a minute and I was alone by the fire. It was captivating, and I couldn't stop watching it. Suddenly I very clearly heard God ask me if He could speak to me through the fire. He knew it had caused me great pain but wanted to be a comfort through the flames. I listened, and the message He had was simple, but astounding: "Fire doesn't seek to destroy, but to persist."
I needed that perspective change. Fire didn't destroy my life, but it has served to persist in helping us to move forward with hope. Sure, we're sad and it's not something we'll just get over super soon, but wow, just to persist. I can do that. I can persist, in spite of fire. I can persist, no matter what.
Friday, September 21, 2012
The twins are chasing each other around the house right now. I just went to a tent sale at a local store I love going to, and we picked up a set of 3 cloth pumpkins for decor (they were clearanced at 70% off because they were last year's but it works out perfect because I had them from last year but lost them in the fire). So yes, they're chasing each other around and one twin said no, she wasn't going to do something. I then heard the other twin say, "Then I will poke your eye."
Last I checked, they have never watched The Three Stooges.
"Then I will poke your eye." Seriously, kid??
Last I checked, they have never watched The Three Stooges.
"Then I will poke your eye." Seriously, kid??
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