Happy New Year!

This isn't exactly the way I thought I'd be ringing in 2010 but apparently we all needed some family time. Some wonderful things have been happening here. Some things that maybe you only dreamed about happening, dad, but they're happening. Mom is seeing M.B. right now and I know that will be a huge step in the right direction. I'm glad you're seeing emails. Did you notice that James hacked your account? Darn that son-in-law who knows way too much about computers, huh? We're glad you changed it back....we just wanted to know that you were out there.

Thank you for keeping yourself safe. Thank you. My kids need Papa Tom. I need my dad. But right now, I want you to know that I realize our needs don't come before your needs. You need to do what you are doing, and I understand that. I *feel like* I need you home, but why? I've gone weeks on end without seeing you before, and we live in the same town. I don't want to be selfish. You and mom didn't raise me to be that way.

It's almost noon where you are and you're already hours into 2010. Is it better in 2010? I sure hope so. And I don't mean that flippantly or rudely, I just mean I'm praying the best for all of us. I'm praying (and believing) that in 6 months we will be in such a better place than we were before all of this. That we'll look back on this time and be GLAD it happened. And that will take some time and a lot of work and healing.

More people are going to be supportive about this than are going to gossip about this. You know there's a lot of concern about what this is going to look like, and so many people know so very little about the whys and the hows of all of this. I agree with you dad - let them talk! There's freedom in the knowledge that we have, and I am confident about the truth in what you are saying to us. I will defend your honor and I will speak loudly on your behalf, should I need to. But I don't think anyone's ready for a good a$$-whooping from me if it should come to that.

I'm doing all I can to support and love on mom. You're right - she gets an A+ for being a mom. I love her to death and am doing everything in my power to support and encourage her through this. This is very difficult for her as I'm sure you knew it would be. She's also hearing some very tough things from all of us which is also difficult for her to process. Her heart is in the right place, and I see the desire for change there. All good things!

Happy New Year! I pray for God's richest blessings upon all of us in 2010. May this be the year we don't get pregnant or have any more babies!!!

Dear Dad,

Did you assume I'd worry? Did you worry that I would worry? Did it bother you that I would worry? I'm sure it did, as I know your heart. I know what you're doing. I understand. I am behind you 100%. I just can't be behind the WAY you're doing this. It's too hard. It's too painful for me - do you KNOW I have been saying the things you're saying? Do you know I get it, I want to help? But now I can't, or so I feel. What do you want me to do daddy? I'm your princess, your little girl, your only daughter. You are my first true knight in shining armor. I expect you to rescue me with your smile, your wit, the way you cherish my precious children, your love. Your hug on Christmas day stuck out to me. I didn't know then what you meant but I get it now and I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

I'm going to share a bit about what's been happening here. I can only pray that you will seek this blog out from your little corner of this big world. That you will use it to connect with us in some way. I'm sharing for your sake, and for the sake of those who are reading this with absolutely no idea of what is going on. I don't share for the sake of drama, lord knows we have enough, but I share to draw you in and to draw the body of Christ around our family.

Last night (Tuesday) around 6:15 mom called me to say that you weren't home yet. She was concerned, and you know that Jeff had already been calling you multiple times. You wouldn't answer your cell phone but we knew that it was on. By 7pm the concern was growing deeper - I was at home to put all 5 kids to bed alone, worried about you, while James was at church for practice. I got that accomplished and started feeling very worried. I tried to pray my fears away but it wasn't working. Chris and Cathy were keeping me informed - mom just filed a missing persons report on you (7:30 or so). By 8 I called James at rehearsal to tell him to come home so I could go be with mom at her house. When I arrived Amy VW was there and P. Art joined moments later. Honestly, I can't remember much of this time, but lots of phone calls were coming in and going out, we just had lots of questions without answers. Around 10pm Chris came over to your house. In typical guy fashion he couldn't handle just sitting around and waiting and wanted me to ride with him to take your usual route to work. So up we went, taking 2nd and all that. We drove the entire campus and agreed with campus police - your car was not there. Chris believed we should drive through the airport parking lot. At 12:39am we found your car. Chris braved checking inside of it and you were not in there, just your coat and some papers in the front seat, one of which had mom's name on the outside. Long story short, P. Art drove all the way up to the airport to meet us with your keys, at which point we read your prose (it was absolutely breathtaking, incidentally). I wasn't convinced you'd really gone, so we went inside and they checked all gates for us. You were really gone.

We drove home (we left your car there dad, and we know you have the other set of keys. I needed to leave your coat in there, too - it's supposed to be really cold the next couple of days) and Chris had to head home so Cathy could get to work. Mom read the letter to her and we talked about a lot of things. A lot of hard things but a lot...things that you know I have been working at already. The Pella PD called and we had your itinerary. New Zealand. Beautiful I am sure. I would love to visit there some day. But I can't believe you really went. All the way across the ocean to a different country. Wow. I'm speechless, and that just never happens.

I love you daddy. I feel like the little girl who is standing on the front steps, watching her daddy walk away as he grows ever smaller and smaller. She's squinting to try to keep him in her sights. Daddy! Come look what I've made! (caden, avery, declan, macey, madelyn) Don't go, daddy! I don't know how to heal your broken heart. I believe in you, and I cherish you, I want you to be happy. If this is what you need to be happy then please don't let my crying take you away from your happiness. Right now I have been awake for 36 solid hours. I have babies who need me, I have a mom who needs me, and right now all I need is YOU.

Will you please, PLEASE just call one of us, anyone, I don't care, just call and give us something. We need something from you, and not just a letter with no answers.

Day 3 of big boy unders!

The rest of yesterday went very well after I blogged. Around supper time Caden actually got on the potty and peed some!! Now, I've never actually seen Caden pee, but when he was on the potty it all came in little drips here and there and tiny spurts randomly. I know, not exactly a great mental picture but hey, it is what it is. I don't know if he just has that much control over it (would be a very good thing!) or if we have a stream issue, but overnight his diaper is just absolutely SOAKED so I have to assume he does pee a good stream...only when his pullup is on!

This morning he's again naked running around. That's pretty much Caden's favorite attire anyway so it isn't like we're putting him out to do this. We'll keep on keeping on!

My sweet Caden is wearing big boy underwear!

Saturday night Caden had a poopy diaper. As usual, I took him to his bedroom to get him cleaned up, and I asked him if he was done pooping. He told me he wasn't done, so I told him we would sit on the potty and finish up. He likes for me to sit on the side of the tub next to him as he sits up on the big potty (he does this at school, so he knows how to get up and all of that, which is nice!) and we chatted for a bit. I just felt it. I just felt he was ready, so I asked him if he was ready to wear his Thomas underwear and be done with pullups during the day. He said yes. Then I told him we would wear big boy undies all the next week while he was home for Christmas break, and if he did well we'd take him to Wal-Mart to buy something special. He immediately said and signed "train!" so it was settled - if he did it and was mostly successful, we'd be going and getting him a train!

Sunday morning dawned and life went on as usual. I didn't even REMEMBER we were going to go for it until James reminded me! So I went and grabbed his big boy Thomas undies and put them on. He was just fine with it, didn't mind at all. He went to the potty a couple of times, once after I saw a tiny bit of wetness on his undies. He sat up on the toilet, scooted way back, but then told me he wanted me to go, so I went out and tried to spy on him...and he flushed before I could tell if anything happened! I certainly didn't hear anything like peeing either of those times, but truly, could a kid go for 10 hours without peeing? I have to think he did pee in these one of those times. He stayed completely dry until bedtime at 7pm, when we put a pullup on him.

This morning Caden woke up absolutely soaked and also poopy. Think he knows what he's doing much? We got him cleaned up and then put Thomas undies back on for the day. He hadn't tried to pee or anything that I was aware of, but I started pumping him full of liquids early this afternoon. At 2pm he was sitting and watching tv when he got up and looked down at the chair he was sitting on. Uh oh. He went immediately to the bathroom where I peeked in at him via the mirror on the bathroom door...I saw him lean over to look at the front of his undies for a short while, then grab the hand towel and start mopping something up. He was standing RIGHT next to the toilet this entire time. I went in and sure enough, he had peed. I didn't make a big deal, just helped him get up on the potty and told him, "Oh no! You peed on Thomas and Thomas doesn't like that! Can you put your pee on the potty next time?" and he said he would! Now he's running around upstairs stark naked, pushing the bubble mower around. (Incidentally, I felt the chair he got up from and it was completely dry, so he did have the sensation, then get up and make it to the bathroom and get right next to the toilet before going...all good things!)

I feel very encouraged by this. Previously, Caden did not care at all if he was wet or poopy. He didn't seem to be anywhere near ready, but I had the feeling and went with it. If he would potty train, I would feel on top of the world. I've always joked that when Caden potty trains I'm going to take out a 1/2 page ad in the Town Crier (local paper) to congratulate him and let the world know! I have no idea what that costs, but I'm still thinking on it. :)

Spreading (out) a little Christmas cheer.

Christmas seems to come and go in the blink of an eye. This is the first year that we've had any child (Avery) actually be excited about Christmas and understand what's happening, understand that gifts are going to be opened and all of that. It's been fun to watch things through her eyes, but in typical 5 year old fashion she cannot WAIT to get to opening presents when she knows that might be an option. And truly, who are we kidding? We ALL like that part!

Christmas Day was spent with my parents and family. We had a good time, presents were opened, all that jazz. We came home to take a few obligatory pictures with everyone in their good clothes. That was NOT a good thing. Declan was MAD about it all (no nap) and ended up whacking Macey on the head a good 7 times in a row. That made me MAD and I brought him to his crib, then got MAD at James for trying to take too many pictures and setting up the $*^%& tripod when all I wanted was a quick snapshot of our lives. I guess he captured it, but it was total chaos and lots of pent up anger. Merry Christmas!!

I don't know what we were thinking, but we decided to haul the kids upstairs to see the Step 2 roller coaster we had set up the night before. That was a HUGE hit truly, with Avery absolutely loving it and Declan, still tired, tossing fits about it. Caden liked it too, but what he found was the Fisher Price bubble mower we had bought for Declan. Caden fell in love. He pushed that mower ALL around, sending bubbles up everywhere and just enjoying all the noise it made! We decided not to open the few gifts still under the tree for them and sent them to bed instead....where Avery didn't fall asleep until nearly 11pm due to all the excitement!

This morning we headed to James' parents to do Christmas with his family. We had a great time and spent the whole day over there. Then James headed home and I headed to Wal-Mart to check out some 50% off Christmas deals with my mom for an hour. She brought me home and then we had dinner...with Avery begging to open those presents still! God love her, she does NOT forget easily! So we compromised - after dinner we opened stockings (Target dollar spot and Dollar Tree items!). This seemed to appease her, but both Caden and Declan got Slinkys and apparently she wanted one as well. She never threw a fit, but was insistent that she hold one. She finally got to and now she and James are reading the Bible and doing prayers.

Tomorrow, we have promised, we will open the gifts under the tree upstairs. I hope it doesn't disappoint her! I'm sure it won't, she is quite easy to please really. We just feel it's best to spread these things out and not have a bunch of crabby children because they aren't sleeping due to so much excitement. Or perhaps we're shooting ourselves in the foot, because the anticipation of opening gifts is still lingering, causing them not to fall asleep!

Promise you won't tell our kids?

Because if you do, I will tell YOUR kids there is no Santa Claus.

Ok so over the course of the past few weeks I have discovered amazon.com. Now if you know me at all you know that finding something else to obsess about online is not exactly a good thing. Actually it's not a good thing at.all, but I have discovered it and thanks to amazon.com I have scored some AHHHHmazing deals. Most of my packages are due to arrive today and tomorrow. Not a great thing - our driveway is glare ice right now and tomorrow it's supposed to be even worse. But I will not freak out if the items don't make it in time - our kids don't know the difference yet! I just wanted to show you a few of the awesome deals I got for the kids. I signed up for a free trial of amazon Prime which means you get free 2day shipping on nearly all items - totally worth it for these last minute deals! Next year I think I'm going to just wait entirely until mid-Dec and do all my shopping from the laptop!

For Declan:

Melissa and Doug Large Knob Wooden Farm Puzzle 4.99 (retails for 19.99)

For Avery:

board game 4.99 (retails for 14.99)

For Caden:

Melissa and Doug magnetic 'Joey' dress up 4.98 (retails 12.99)

Macey and Madelyn:

Fisher Price Amazing Animals Sing-Along Mommy and Baby Elephant 5.99 (retails 14.99)

And then we splurged a little. With free shipping and some Christmas cash from great-grandparents, we got this for the kids:

Step 2 Up and Down Roller Coaster

We have the room upstairs, and it will be great for them to burn off some energy in these winter months. I know they're going to be so excited - Caden and Avery have played with it before at Menards and we had to drag them away from it.

Money's tight for us. I know this sounds like a commercial for amazon.com and basically it is, but I'm not getting reimbursed for it! I'm just so thankful that they had items at awesome prices so we could give our kids something for Christmas! They wouldn't have known the difference, and we know it's not about the presents anyway, but it's important to me that they got something with a bit of a "wow" factor. YAY!

The tummy bug strikes.

James started feeling queasy yesterday already. He stayed home from getting the groceries with my family to try to feel better before we left for Des Moines...unfortunately, it didn't work. We all decided we didn't want to go without James, so we postponed dinner.

I had to take Caden, Avery and Declan to get their second dose of H1N1 after the groceries. Things went pretty well, thanks to my brother and SIL going with us. We were getting ready to get coats on and Avery starts throwing up - and continues to throw up just standing there. UGH! Total mess, thank goodness I had Chris and Cathy there! We leave from there and head home...

It's at this point that I start feeling queasy. James throws up and then James and I spend a few hours in bed after the 3 little ones go down for nap (Caden helped himself to some yogurt, opened by some scissors, sigh) and I wake up from a snooze to run to the bathroom and throw up. Oh joy!

All the kids are in bed now. James is snoring on the couch. I'm feeling pretty tired so I think it's time to head off for bed. Here's praying we all feel loads better in the morning! Tomorrow night is the kids' Christmas program at church...we shall see how that goes!

We had THREE snow days!

Thanks for checking in with us and wondering if they were back yet, but nope, 3 full days off of school! Was not fun. However, when I had to wake Caden for school on Friday after having 3 days off, he said, "stay home mommy" - it was worth it to hear that much talking! Oh and last Saturday at Christmas program practice at church? All the kids were chatting and Caden was actually doing a decent job of attending, and he decided to put his finger to his lips, "shhhhhhhh"ush everyone, and say, "no talk"!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahahaa!! It was hilarious.

So real quickly...Sunday I brought Macey and Madelyn in to urgent care. They weren't doing well with their colds and I was concerned. Sure enough, Madelyn had her first ear infection, her left ear. Macey didn't have an ear infection, but I found out that with twins they treat them both with antibiotics, "just in case". Fun! Remember how I told you twins were doubly expensive? Yup.

Avery finally had her Christmas program for preschool on Tuesday. It was supposed to be the 8th, but got pushed back to the 10th, and pushed back AGAIN to the 15th. It was very cute! She actually sang and did some actions this year, not without playing with her bracelet though, and staring at people behind her, and generally zoning out at times. I'm not sure what is up with her as far as that goes - she rattles off every line and every word here at home but it must be different up on stage.
Christmas activities start for us this weekend, going on Saturday with my family to buy groceries for the food shelf and then going out to eat to Spaghetti Works. Excited about that! M&M have been going to bed around 7:30, wide awake, and last night they made it all the way to 5:30 before waking!! It's usually 4 or so, but last night was great. They have been so down and out with bad colds that there really isn't that much new to report with them, other than they are VERY good babies and my initial prediction is that they are actually mirror image twins - a form of identical twins where they "mirror" each other. I've seen evidence in a few pictures where their mouths are turned down in opposite corners. And most obviously is their self-soothing technique, learned with no assistance from us - Macey sucks her LEFT pointer and middle fingers and Madelyn sucks her RIGHT pointer and middle fingers: identical, yet opposite. Fascinating.

It's a snow day!

They've been forecasting this one for a long time now. Supposedly, we are looking at upwards of 14 inches of snow, plus blowing making for blizzard conditions. So far, nothing is happening and they've canceled school. Which makes me happy on one hand - nothing is happening! Yet sad on the other - they've canceled school. You know I love Caden, I just love him more when he's away from me for scheduled periods of time, lol.

So we're watching Dora's Christmas Carol Adventure, which Avery previously shrieked about, saying it was scary, she didn't want to watch it, turn it off mommy! You get the picture. But I turned it on and recorded it the other day, and now she requests it incessantly. Sigh. I also have a little Macey who has a fever, and just now she took her whole bottle and promptly threw it up ALL over me. Score one for her! The twins are 5 months today, can't believe it!

I was supposed to see my dr today at 4pm for my post partum depression. Um, that's not going to happen. It's somewhat lessened now that I have them going to bed at a more decent hour (7:30-8pm) but I still don't feel like myself at all. Hopefully I can reschedule for when there isn't a blizzard. For now, James is out getting a bunch of groceries...mostly formula which we are too low on for my comfort with an impending snowstorm. Then he'll be home this afternoon and he's thinking tomorrow as well to ride this thing out. You should hear James though, he's always the cynic about these things. He is convinced we're going to just get an inch or two and it'll be over. While I don't love the snow, for once I'd like for him to be proved majorly wrong so I can say, "Ha! God told YOU!"

Thought you might enjoy this picture.

I never knew you could do so much fun stuff with Photobucket nowadays! Enjoy.

I think it's here

and I am truly scared. I think I have post partum depression. It makes it real to say it I guess, somehow. I've been muddling through, thinking it would get better. I thought it was the stress of all of this. I thought I would be fine once they started to get on a schedule. But they are still not on a schedule, not anywhere close. James took over the nighttimes for the holiday weekend and now their sleeping is atrocious. I love him, but I do not know what happened there.

I just feel...sad. I feel blue. I could cry very easily. The colors in my world aren't as vibrant. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hearing things and they are very far away, when in fact they are very close by. Today is the first I've even mentioned it to James, because depression has a way of making you feel you aren't important and that you're a terrible burden to everyone else. But today I said it to him, and he hasn't treated me like I'm a terrible burden.

I want to curl up for a few days (weeks?) and let it pass. I keep praying it will just resolve, but mostly I think I am trying to will it away so I don't have to deal with it again. Most of you know I have bipolar disorder so depression is no stranger to me, it's just that it's been so long really. I have the priviledge of going to the same church as our family dr, so I chatted with him just a bit this morning and he mentioned I could just be cycling low right now and if we tweak my meds I'll feel better. Hopefully that's it.

To be perfectly honest, I DON'T know if it's PPD or if I'm just that overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Pray for clarity, would you? I can handle feeling blue for a while, but I'm still determined to be the best mom I can be. I will still smile and tickle my kids and laugh when they are being silly. But it's going to take an effort right now.

I have failed you...

poor blog. I just don't have time. Imagine that?!?! I want to...I want to keep abreast (sorry, had to use that word) of what's going on but before I know it a day is GONE! Plus if I'm being perfectly honest, by the time I get to morning I don't truly even REMEMBER what time who was up! Yes, it's that bad. James is back in bed with us and we've worked out a system where he goes to sleep with earplugs around 9pm and then he takes the early morning hours shift. I get to put them down for the night but at least I don't have to be up around 3 or 4am. Lately it's still the same - down for sleep with cereal bottles (no, I did NOT mention that yesterday at their 4mo checkups) around 10pm, up between 3 and 4, then up between 6 and 7. Truly it's not so bad, but I sure miss those days of sleeping all the way through the night. I praise the good Lord that our other 3 are excellent sleepers - down at 7pm, up at 7am!

Shopping to help the leukemia and lymphoma society!

My friend Heidi's little boy Ian was just diagnosed with leukemia last month. We've been praying for him, but now there's more we can do. This weekend only, shop at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy and enjoy 30% off your purchase while giving 5% of those proceeds to the leukemia and lymphoma society! What could be better? Print your coupon (to be used multiple times at all the stores) here. Happy shopping!!!

A few stats while I remember them.

Blogging is like the ultimate baby book. Only problem is, I have to actually remember to go back and write down all the stuff they did once I haul out their baby books! But I had Madelyn in at the dr on Friday for a nasty diaper rash. Turns out it was a reaction to the POS cheap Wal-Mart diapers. Figures that she would have a reaction to something less than Cadillac worthy! So we got that all figured out and I wanted to see what they weighed. My guess was around 12-13 lbs each, with Macey weighing less than Madelyn.

Madelyn was 12lbs9oz, Macey 12lbs3oz. Spot on! They are doing really well. Sleeping is going well. They are swaddled, flat on their backs in their crib, side by side the short way in the crib, sleeping usually from 10pm-4am, bottles, then back to sleep until 7. The 3hr. schedule I've implemented is going very well, and it's nice to know what to expect and when to expect it as far as eating goes. They are still only taking 4oz at a time and Macey is handling medium flow nipples. Madelyn hates those, but she is such an aggressive sucker (lol) that it comes too fast for her!

Your support means so much!

Thank you to all of you for the phone calls, emails, notes on facebook, all of it!! It means so much. I think I am pretty foggy, and I am just not seeing things as clearly as I'd like to. The twins are still very young to be sleeping huge amounts, but I'm comparing to Declan, who slept 10+ straight hours by 7 weeks!

Last night was better. WAY better. We fed them for the last time around 9:30 or so and had them asleep and in their crib just before 10. They didn't wake to feed until 4:30!! That was absolutely wonderful. And then they made it again until 7am. I think I am going to start a 3 hour schedule during the day and allow a 6 hour time frame overnight, so feed at: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm...4am. They are still only taking 4oz at a time and they still seem to need the slow flow nipples (Macey accepted a medium flow one today without issue but Madelyn got MADDDDDD!) so feedings still take SO LONG, but this schedule would work well for our family and I don't think it's ridiculous to expect them to be on SOME sort of schedule by now. They will be 4 months on Sunday. So we'll go with that. I had to sort of force the 10am bottle this morning but I don't think it will take long for them to get used to it.

Any experience with schedules like that? I can honestly say that I have never regimented myself with any of my other kids but then I've never had twins before either. I'm sure undecided what to do about overnights - like if they ate last at 10pm but are screaming by 2:30 should I just feed them and screw up the schedule? We'll see how it goes.

Thanks again for the support. I do promise pics soon - I even have a new video of them and they are not screaming this time!

I kicked James out of bed again last night.

No worries about our relationship, but honestly we might have issues if these twins keep waking up at all hours of the night. It's driving us insane. I know babies are supposed to be unpredictable and all of that but dear lord, they are so inconsistent we might as well call them politicians.

So I kicked James upstairs to the bedroom to sleep in peace. Apparently I am able to snore through them screaming in stereo, so we deemed it most appropriate for me to remain in the same room with them. Things started off ok. We put them down around 7:00 and they were both asleep! And then it happened. It always does with them. They woke up. And they fussed and fretted, so finally at 8:30 we fed them again and put them down again. Macey fell asleep. Madelyn fussed until 9:30 when she finally fell asleep. And they were out for good. Which leads me to my first question - would you just let them cry at that earlier point until they fell asleep? They will be 4 months on Sunday.

And the night continues. At 2:30 they started crying. I'm not sure who woke up first, but they were both crying before I knew it. And I ignored it. And was able to sleep off and on for another hour. I know, you might think it's horrible but they were right next to me and no one was hurt. At 3:30 I got up and gave them pacifiers, which worked...for about 15 minutes. I finally succumbed and fed them at 4am. Success? Or failure? Again, what would you have done? They had already cried for over an hour at this point....

So yeah, they ate at 4 and I got Madelyn up to change her diaper as she was poopy. I know they were both wide awake at 4:30 when I went back to bed but I turned the light off and I did not hear from them, so I'm assuming they didn't cry too hard to go back to sleep after that. James fed Macey around 6:30 and Madelyn got a bottle around 7am. Not too bad but I'm just unsure of how to go about all of this. I'm serious, if you have advice (even if it's "you did this ALL wrong!") please let me have it. I've never done sleep training with a baby, let alone twins so I don't know how to do it best. I just can't decide if they are young enough that they need to be eating during the night like that or if I should let them cry it out (which I used to be totally against, now I just need my sanity) at various points during the night. Help!!!

Oooohh pictures...

They were not good. Not at all. The short version? Declan was COMPLETELY uncooperative and Madelyn wouldn't stop crying. It was terrible and hilarious all at the same time. Enjoy these pictures, they are doozies.

http://www.photoreflect.com/pr3/ThumbAccess.aspx?e=5477817

password: kids

Wow, just...wow.

Things are a tad crazy here. And by that I mean right now. Madelyn is SCREAMING in the crib next to a wide-awake Macey who is just looking around. We've resorted to letting Madelyn cry for the time being (tonight) because she is fed, changed, dry, burped, everything. I feel like I am somewhat losing it with this lack of schedule thing. If you know me at all you know I am not a highly scheduled person, but I do love knowing what to expect with my kids and when naps will happen and how many times I'm going to be up at night, and with these little girls it's all a crap shoot. NOTHING is the same from day to day and it's really HARD. The first few weeks/months I would swaddle them and put them down to sleep (in their carseats, which we don't do anymore, hmmmm) at around 1pn and they would sleep until 5pm, sometimes until 6. It was glorious. I thought I had wonder-babies who regulated themselves into a schedule. Ummmm, no. That has gone away and now it's anyone's guess who will sleep and for how long and how crabby they might be on the other side of it. I'm honestly tired (hahahaha) of it and it's hard of all of us. I am short with my older kids and all of that.

I'll try not to whine from here on out....some updates on our lives.

Caden. My big boy will be SEVEN years old tomorrow, Oct 24! I just cannot believe it. I am so proud of him and all he has accomplished. He is excited about his birthday and says "happy song" a lot...I think that's what he wants to have sung but still won't let any of us actually sing it.

Avery is still really enjoying preschool and doing very well. She's also having a blast with ballet once a week and it's so cute to watch her do that!

Declan is walking. I'm sure I've mentioned that before but it begs repeating. He's such a precious boy toddling around and taking in everything around him. James took him tonight for a haircut because tomorrow we are finally taking all 5 kids to have their pics taken together in their Big Brother Big Sister Little Sister shirts. It's about time, no? I'll share those when we have a link.

It's 11pm

and I am sitting up with a still fussy Macey. This baby girl has decided that you must replace her pacifier every 10 minutes at bedtime and you must attend to her needs for several hours after her twin sister has already been asleep at night. It is getting QUITE frustrating. Madelyn has been asleep for 3 hours now and Macey is finally having another bottle which I hope will send her into sleep as well. She has also decided that she HATES to be swaddled so she wakes herself up during the night as well, again requiring that you replace the pacifier. James has been kind enough to take the 4-4:30 feeding while we are on vacation which I am so thankful for.

Speaking of thankful, I adore my husband. He let me sleep in until 11am this morning. I know some of you just spit out your coffee that a grown woman can sleep that long and others of you are all kinds of envious but yes, I slept in until 11am and enjoyed every second of it! I always say the best sleep happens after 5am. And I got a ton of it today!

Today has been pretty quiet. Caden and Declan have both been napping every day with grandma or grandpa. I think Caden is coming down with something and not feeling 100%. During naptime today I took all 3 of my girls and we drove around for a few hours while James, my dad and brother went to a casino. I found some neat shops that sell primitives that I must get back to before we leave as I couldn't go in anywhere, just drove and found out where they were. Did I mention that we forgot to bring any strollers whatsoever along with us? Brilliant move, for sure. Ugh. But I was able to go into Wal-Mart with the 3 girls. Do you even KNOW how many people say, "Oh, twins?" and I say, "yes", and they say (with 2 pink carseat covers), "boy and girl?" and I say, "no, girls" and they say, "are they identical?" and I say, "yes!" (sooooo thrilled that I know for sure!) and they say, "I always wanted twins."? And I honestly reply, "I never truly wanted twins, but now that I have them I couldn't imagine life without them!"

Does time truly change?

I mean, it has to. How can time move so quickly when you're on a vacation and so slowly when you're at home. Maybe it has to do with monotony. I'm not sure, but I can't believe Monday is drawing to a close already and we're looking Tuesday in the face!

Traveling to Galena was a dream. We never stopped one time except for James and me to use the bathrooms at a rest stop. We each took a turn and left the kids all in their car seats. My parents took Caden and Avery with them so we just had our 3 littlest so it was very quiet. Declan watched Dora's Puppy Power DVD (it's "Daa doo" = Dora to him) and the twins slept. The entire time. Not one peep! Granted, it's only just under 4 hours but still, we thought that was pretty amazing. I got to read some of the "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" that I got from the library and I'm trying it out...more on that later.

Kristi, before I forget, the jumper is from Southpaw Enterprises that we got for Caden. I can give you more info on it once I get home.

So let's see. We arrived Saturday early afternoon and got settled in. My mom and I took Caden and went to get groceries and eat at Culver's while everyone else stayed in the hotel/condos and ordered pizza. Then it was bedtime - Caden, Avery and Declan are sleeping in with my parents and brother and we have the twins. They are fighting a nasty snotty/full nose so haven't been overly happy here. And then James came down with it last night and today has been taking Alka Seltzer left and right and is just downright miserable. Right now we just caught up on Amazing Race online and he is now snoring next to me.

Ok so sleeping. Um, it's not going the greatest. Mostly it's Macey who doesn't like to settle down and go to sleep without a lot of intervention. The book I'm reading asserts that you put them down after a brief (but consistent) period of soothing, whether or not they are asleep. No problem, that's what we've always done with all of our kids. However, twins are a different ballgame, especially when they are sharing a crib. Macey likes to cry her blessed little eyes out, while Madelyn looks around and then finally goes to sleep without usually any pacifier replacement at all. Last night it took nearly 2 hours to get Macey to finally fall into a deep sleep on her own in the pack n play, and this included MANNNNNNNNNNNY times putting the pacifier back into her mouth (which I'm not even sure is "allowed" according to this book honestly) and tonight it took over an hour. Progress? Sheesh, it's frustrating. But this book says children wake up early and wake up repeatedly during the night because they don't get enough sleep, and putting them to bed earlier will help. So we're trying that. And we're trying to let them cry a little longer (maybe 10 minutes is all I can handle of full-out crying). So far, I can't say I am impressed with the results, but we ARE on vacation and they ARE sick. So we'll see......

Caden and Avery have truly enjoyed the indoor pool. It's nice to see the changes in our kids. Today I was able to take Caden AND Avery to the pool by myself for an hour! Previously, that would have been impossible, and mostly due to Caden, but recently he's come around and is really showing that he can be more enjoyable with things like this, which is SO good for a mommy's heart. Declan got in yesterday, but we put him into his floatie and he SCREAMED so loud I thought the whole place would come running. He was terrified. It took him a long time to smile again, but he did stay in the floatie for a good, long time. I think we'll try again tomorrow when James can help again.