It's IDENTICAL twin GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or at least they are 99% sure, lol. After figuring out they were both girls, then they started looking for placentas. At my last u/s with them they said 2 placentas. Today - just one so the tech figured she didn't see it right last time. The perinatologist came and and looked - again, both girls and one placenta. I was praying for a girl and then to get two, hooray!!!! They do have separate sacs, but they said the membrane between them is "thin and flimsy". I have absolutely no idea what that means, or if that's good or bad, or how exactly they can tell they are identical already, but I figure a perinatologist knows what he's talking about! They are measuring nearly identically at this point, within an ounce of each other which is very good - twins who share one placenta often have more issues or could have more possible issues, so we'll be watching that closely (twin to twin transfusion is the biggest worry). Anatomically everything looks perfect and I am just excited now!! IDENTICAL TWIN GIRLS, omgoodness, I see oodles of matching Gymboree!!!!!!

I am completely sporadic with this thing lately.

I don't really forget so much as I don't have time. I have a feeling that is going to be my mantra starting in a few months. Or maybe blogging will be a welcome relief. I have no idea, trying not to think that far ahead.

Ok so guess what's exciting? Tomorrow morning at oh-dark-thirty we have our big ol ultrasound for these babies!! To be technical it's at 7:15, but that is early to me. My dad, bless his heart, is coming out here by 6:45 to stay with the kids and get Caden off to school for us while we're there. I would have had James just stay home and do all of it but he already missed the ultrasound where she told me we were having twins, he's NOT going to miss the one where they tell us what they are! If you ask Avery, it's one boy and one girl. She is ADAMANT about that. James and I really think it's one of each as well, or I think it *might* be two girls, but I'm just positive it's not two boys. Time will tell!

Oh and if you wanna know, call us or check back here. I am not paying $300 again. Nevah.

Our first clue as to how expensive twins can be

came in our online statement for our cell phone bills. Many of you know that we use cell phones exclusively, we do not have a landline/house phone at all. Which typically works out great. Typically. However, our usual phone bill is going to be $210 MORE than usual, payable in early March for, you guessed it, the dates over which we found out about the twins. So those of you who found out bright and early, we must think you're pretty worth it. Literally. Cha-ching.

A glimpse of Caden.

It's an interesting thing to get to know a child without verbal interaction. I've found it so easy to bond with Avery and get to know her deeply because of her talking with me. She jokes, she laughs, she tells me stories, she shares concerns, etc. It's profoundly difficult to feel like I really know who Caden is, but this morning while getting ready for school he and God gave me a huge smile.

I am not a morning mommy. Caden needs to be on the bus at 7:35 (a suburban that pulls right up the driveway and all I have to do is walk him out there and strap him into his carseat). I typically go in to get him out of his crib at 7:15 or so. Yeah so I enjoy chaos (I guess that's going to bode well for me in a few months). Lately Caden has been really balking at stopping his playtime with his RC train and coming to me to get boots, coat, hat, mittens on. He usually says "uh uh" when I tell him to come. Today we went through the same whole ordeal, I started requesting and he started "uh uh" refusing. We went through it a few more times until finally he turned to me and signed "sick". Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you trickster!! I am not keeping you home from school because you alledge to be sick!! So I laughed, he smiled, I went over to him and did the usual, picked him up and started putting the coat on.

It was a really great moment.

Just trying to process, I think.

I haven't had a lot to say this week. Well, in truth I HAVE, but it's all somewhat negative. I'm not sure where to place the emotions I am having about the news of these precious gifts from God. I know that's what they are - gifts. But I can't help it, I'm a little miffed about it. To make a long story very short, I feel like God repeatedly gives us "something extra" with our kids (RTS, an extra baby, etc.) and I don't want it. I didn't want RTS but I'm stuck with it. I didn't want a 5th baby but I've got it. I know, there are plenty of people that want babies and can't have them and here I sit complaining because I get 2 at a time.

It's the same feelings I had with RTS. Do I think I can do it? Yes, I think I can. The problem lies within the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. I feel like so very, very little of my life is in my control (and I know in my head it isn't, but let me explain). Funny thing is, when we decided to try for this pregnancy we decided that we were going to "give our fertility to God" and let Him decide if we should have more children. We were prayerful about it, we were sincere and forthright. I felt confident in that decision, and in the first month we were pregnant. So obviously God said yes! And all the while I said it was because I tried to take so much control of my own life and wasn't giving any control to God. Ironic that now I want so much control back? Perhaps...

Maybe it's a jealousy thing. I dunno. I see other people planning their lives and having their kids when they choose and their kids come out all fine and dandy and they are off to Kindergarten in proper time without IEPs and 1:1 aides and diapers. No, I don't know their stories intimately but it sure SEEMS like there's an uneven balance there. Thinking out loud really.

Ok, the more I write the more I realize I think this has a LOT to do with Caden's special needs and very little to do with the actual idea of twins. Twins should be exciting! And I'm not excited due in large part to the fact that my 6 year old is going through a horrific stage of hitting, scratching, pinching, and pulling hair, so much so that my 4 year old doesn't like to be near him. I am hyper-parenting him at all times, I cannot relax and enjoy life like I want to. I want to sit around and read about twins and how they grow and what a miracle they are, but I just...can't.

Yes, I do have an appointment with my therapist for next week, don't worry too much, lol. I just needed to get it out. I've already made some revelations in my head while writing this. Thanks for being part of our journey.

He's home!

His breathing still sounds atrocious, but he's doing much better. We brought Declan home late morning, and my parents kept Caden and Avery so we could take a long nap. Declan slept for 4 hours!! He's a happy boy and I'm glad he's home.

And as IF this week couldn't be any crazier

Declan is now in the hospital. He was admitted this morning after a follow-up appointment to his earlier appointments this week. His oxygen levels actually went DOWN (from Wed) after receiving the treatments we've been giving at home and he sounds really coarse, horrible cough, that kind of stuff. He doesn't have the flu, RSV or pneumonia. Our awesome dr actually isn't sure what he has exactly, but said it sounds like a bizarre virus. James is staying with him overnight while I have Caden and Avery here and in bed finally. I am headed to bed too, so we can go back in the morning and see how he is!

So now I've known for 24 hours

and I really thought I would feel better this morning. Fact is, I don't. I am overwhelmed. I told my friend Heather this morning that I was disappointed, and she assured me that it probably wasn't disappointment - rather, it was huge overwhelmingness (is that a word? I feel it, so it should be.). James is excited. He feels like God has doubly blessed us. I'd like to get there, but for now I am just "wow".

Yesterday I was in for a follow-up on Declan. I asked our dr what might be causing my discomfort - lots of pelvic floor pain and cramping in my uterus (now I know, it's called STRETCHING). He called for an ultrasound for me and it was scheduled for 12:15 already. Basically the tech put the probe on my stomach, smiled at me HUGE, and went to turn my screen on so I could see...I KNEW it (plus Avery's been saying all along that there were 2 babies in there). I said to her "Please don't tell me it's twins." and she said, "Do you want me to lie to you?" and I thought...um, kinda!!! Then she said, "I'm checking to make sure there's only 2" to which I replied, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But there they were, 2 beating hearts, one at 160, one at 153.

I'd like to share the ultrasound pictures with you. I'll explain a little bit, but some are kind of difficult to see I realize. They tell me I'll have LOTS more ultrasounds and many more appointments so yes, we will be finding out the genders!!

Here's some looking down at them from "above" - the tops of their heads:


Baby A moved over a bit, you can see the profile:


Baby B's bottom, Baby A's head:


Baby A:


Baby B in upper left corner, baby A in lower right, all 4 hands between:


Baby A:


Stacked babies, here's B on top of A:

I thought 4 kids was going to be overwhelming...

no one told me that it'd actually be FIVE. Yes, I'm 15 weeks and just today found out that I am carrying TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You haven't seen freaked until you've seen me today folks. God is good, yes He is, but dear heavens, He has a big sense of humor. Pics to follow later, but there are 100% 2 beating hearts inside my uterus and I'm not sure how good the sleep will be tonight.

Sorry I've been scarce!

Caden was recovering from strep throat, went back to school only to have school call his first day back because he vomited on their lunch trip to a pizza place. Lucky them! So he got to come home and stay home for the rest of the week. Lucky me! (Yes, both times that was sarcasm.)

Then we ended up going overnight for a weekend trip to Des Moines with my parents this weekend, which was a lot of fun. Caden and Avery (especially) really enjoyed the swimming and, while the sleeping arrangements did NOT work out we had a good time overall. Let's just say it's a good thing Declan will be staying home with grandpa and grandma when we go to Wisconsin for the RTS Midwest Reunion at the beginning of March, wow - hated the pool, hated to sleep in an unfamiliar place. Then he also came down with a nasty cold and is battling that now, so he's just grouchy all over. Which is quite funny, because today his new word is "happy"! He is anything BUT!

Concerns about Caden = STREP THROAT!

Of ALL things, strep throat. Sure, he brought a note home from the nurse last week that he'd been exposed but I tossed it. Caden doesn't get the normal stuff like strep throat and he'd been acting so weird I assumed tumor or something, honestly I did, I was really worried. But it's starting to add up - cranky, tired, being mean to people (I hurt, you hurt). Strep throat, who'd have thought??

He was scheduled to see our doctor tomorrow morning at 11:15, but at noon school called me to come get him. He didn't eat lunch, had a low grade temperature and wasn't acting himself. I took him home and he was falling asleep sitting on my lap and then it happened - I stood him up from my lap (was playing Candyland with Avery with one arm, Caden in the other arm, on the FLOOR in my pregnant state, not cool) and he promptly fell down. I pretty much felt my heart drop into my butt (line stolen from my favorite movie "Mean Girls") and I called the dr to see if they could get us in. They did, so we hauled over to the clinic and our wonderful dr checked him over and found the nasty throat nearly immediately. So no pokes for Caden! No CAT scans, no MRI or even x-rays...just a nasty throat swab which came back positive for strep in seconds.

I've been asking God for some more normal in our lives. I've really been struggling with Caden's differences, having a hard time that he is so vastly different from other 6 year olds. God came through, as always. It's strep throat. About as typical as a kid can get.

Bella is with Jesus.

I posted about little Bella a few days back. Last night she went to be with Jesus. Please keep her family in your prayers, as well as the RTS community. Losses like this are just plain hard, no matter if we "knew her" or not.

Concerned about Caden.

I just got off the phone with his 1:1 aide from school (on a Sunday night no less, she called me back, she is a TRUE GEM of a person). Last weekend and a few days previous Caden had a bit of a tummy issue, throwing up a few times over the course of 3-4 days. He never quite got over that, or at least never came back around fully. What we notice at home is that he is VERY tired, going to bed eagerly by 6pm some nights, then sleeping until 7:15 and refusing to stand up out of his crib and get ready for school. Normally he is hollering in his crib from 6:50am on, but this week he won't stand up, just wants to stay laying down and covered up. I mean, I liken that to being like his mommy in the mornings, but it's SO unlike Caden. He has also nearly fallen asleep at school, in the 100th day of school party at Kindergarten no less! He is also very irritable at home, downright defiant and aggressive at times. At school they're saying that he's increasingly loud and getting louder. To me, almost like he's trying to tell them something but can't convey it like he wants to, so he just gets louder instead of more articulate, which makes sense. He is also very pale, and his aide noted they have commented on that as well. I know, now you're thinking "anemia" and I have gone there, too, but I've also of course looked up things like HUS and now am slightly more concerned. (I might note here that I also looked up Rubinstein Taybi Syndrome over 6 years ago, alone at home with my newborn son and fell apart for hours, so sometimes the internet gets me into trouble.) I think it's definitely time for a call to his doctor in the morning. I know that is going to mean a CBC and other pokes for him, but it's time for some answers as to what's bothering him. He is not himself, and many of us are concerned about him.

I am testing something.

For some reason, nothing will refresh on this blog until I post something new, which just simply ANNOYS me. So I am simply posting this so all the other blogs on the side will update and I can see what's new today.

Anyone who uses blogspot have any suggestions as to why this happens??

Please pray for little Bella!

Bella has RTS. She will be 2 on Feb 16. She is VERY sick and needs our prayers. Go to Gena's blog (Frankie's mom) over to the left under "My RTS Family" and read the updates about Bella. Her mom Monica could use the prayers as well.

Father God, we lift before you precious Bella. We know you are in control, and we pray for you to watch over and protect her and her family. Her future is so uncertain, Lord - she's "here" but yet she's somewhere else inside her body. Please, work a miracle and bring her back to her mom! It's hard to understand things like this. Please grant Monica strength as she needs to make some huge decisions about Bella's future. Give her calm and insight. We know you love her Lord. Please grant everyone what they stand in need of during this time. It's so hard. Amen

A good appointment day!

You're thinking Caden, aren't you? Actually, several years ago you might have been correct, but today was about Declan and me/baby!

I had my first prenatal checkup this afternoon, and Declan tagged along for his 1 year well child checkup after that. In a nutshell, things are going well for the precious little one inside of me and for myself! We did a lot of talking about my meds for my bipolar, OCD and anxiety but we feel good about how things were handled with Declan and will go that route again. We will, of course, taper off the Zoloft when we get closer to delivery time so as not to cause some of the issues that Declan had immediately after birth, but that's all stuff we don't need to worry about yet. My blood pressure and all of that was just fine. I'm 100% positively pregnant, confirmed by a sweet little whoosing sound on doppler of 156 beats per minute. The sound of the baby's heartbeat would go in and out, and I felt him/her moving like crazy during the whole ordeal, so it doesn't suprise me that the sounds varied a bit. I am 13 weeks today, and things are looking wonderful!

Then we moved on to little D. He's 29 inches long and 25 pounds big, to which I say he is "short, fat and proud of that", just like sweet little Winnie the Pooh! And sweet he is - he just sat in his stroller through my entire 1 hour appointment, no toys, no snacks, nothing...AND it was during his naptime! He fussed a couple of times but wow. Declan is really doing well. The dr called him "gross motor delayed", but that comes as a shock and concern to no one because my dad didn't walk until he was 22 months, I didn't walk until I was 19 months and Avery didn't walk until she was 19 months! So we're laid back and chilling. Works for me! Declan does have some issues with excema and with yeast infections, so we got some creams for that. He also had to have 2 shots which he sobbed for, but a little snuggle from mommy brought him right back around. Then he had to give 2 small vials of blood from a finger poke, to which he didn't even CRY about, not one whimper.

Dear Lord, PLEASE let baby #4 be as docile as Declan. If s/he isn't, I fully blame James. Amen.

Happy 1st Birthday Declan!!!!

You are truly a ray of sunshine in our lives. Today we remember that cold day you were born, and how you scared us at first, but how you rallied and came around and finally cried! You are so easy-going, laid back and loveable. I don't know what I did before you or how you managed to warm my heart so completely, but you are truly wonderful. Here's some pictures to share of you through the past 12 months. You're such a cutie pie!!! Happy Birthday sweet boy, we love you!!!!!

Going home from the hospital:


A few months old here:

I should have known it was too good to be true.

First, it was too good to be true that Caden only threw up the one time. Second, it was too good to be true that my kids let me sleep until nearly 9am - it should have been my first clue that something was wrong. And sure enough, walking into Caden and Declan's room I see it: Caden is covered in puke once again. God's blessing was that there is no school today due to the extreme cold, so I didn't have to worry about calling him in or anything.

Long stories made short, Avery has been crying off and on due to tummy cramps for over 24 hours now. We're pushing the clear liquids and hoping she comes around, but as of today she's still upset and hurting. Caden is back to puking, and Declan just thinks he needs to add to the din by crying a lot. James is on his way home, but not simply because I am stressed and need the help...

He's headed home because our furnace quit working this morning. HAHAHAHA! You might as well laugh, it's funny at this point. It's 62 degrees in here. He figures it's as simple as the vent outside is frozen over, and we truly hope so!

Another one bites the dust...

sir Caden is now officially throwing up. He tossed his cookies at 7pm. Avery's been done now for over 24 hours and Declan seems to be mostly on the mend as well. James was home sick today, but hasn't thrown up...just stomach upset and "that other stuff". I had something similar about 9 days ago, and I am truly praying that I started it and I won't finish it!!!

Did you know...

that Audubon Iowa is code for "stalker from Pella"??? LOL, no it's code for "great friend from Pella who I miss talking with" - I will not embarass you (unless you want me to, haaahaaaa) but let's just say I feel MUCH better knowing that YOU are my multiple times per day visitor, woot!!!!!!